The Words We Choose To Use

A lot of news headlines come into my inbox. Today, I scrolled across one that really bothered me.

"Boy, 2, nanny drown in pool"

Now, the subject, the title, that wasn't what bothered me, although the subject is certainly a sad one. Under each story is 1-2 lines, the first lines of the news article. The lead for this article? "Residents of an affluent Richmond Hill neighbourhood were shaken yesterday after a 2-year-old boy and his nanny downed in a backyard swimming pool."

All I could think was affluent. Why was it necessary to use the word affluent? Did it somehow make the tragedy more poignant, more of a mystery, more important, more scandalous?

Now, that lead was the entire first paragraph. Paragraph #2? York Region police say the boy, his mother and their nanny were visiting the home of a friend on Crescentview Rd. yesterday. The boy's mother and the friend, who several neighbours described as pregnant, were in the front yard when the drowning occurred.

More trivial details. Crescentview Rd. is not important. The fact that the boy's mother's friend was "described as pregnant" by "several neighbours" is so fucking irrelevant, I have to wonder what the hell passes for a real, proper, hard news story anymore.

There's also a few paragraphs devoted to a consoling neighbour encouraging the grieving mother to believe in miracles before the child was pronounced dead.

No mention of the nanny's name, whether she was Canadian or a foreigner, nada. Okay, the police wouldn't release the name, but absolutely nothing? It's like she doesn't matter at all.

Now, I'm in a particularly grumpy mood this morning. Day 2, no water. Hardly any sleep last night. And I stink, because I can't shower. And I might just have to suck it up and go to the city and buy some bottled water so we have a supply for the dogs and cats.

But looking at this story just irritated the hell out of me. What *should* be important here is the tragic news of a nanny and a boy drowning in a swimming pool. What even should be important as filler, if the reporters lacked facts and were told to squeeze a certain word count out of it, is stats on pool deaths, drownings, whether or not this is the first pool drowning of the season, safety tips for how to prevent such backyard tragedies...

Not who's pregnant, not the fact that they drove off in a gold-coloured SUV, not the fact that this is an affluent neighbourhood.

Yet the article is short on facts, long on pulling the emotional heart strings. This wasn't how I was taught to write a hard news story, and it passes off more as a feature on a tragedy and the neighbourhood it occurred in than an article that's actually reporting facts.

I don't know how the incident occurred. Police arrived at noon yesterday, and no statement about the incident or the process of the investigation was available for reporters as of last night? I find that exceptionally hard to believe.

Like I said, I'm grumpy.

But I'm also annoyed that it seems so hard to find news these days that isn't conjecture and is actually reporting facts.

I'm stomping off to find my happy place.

Maybe funnies from Forrest will help.

Only Humans Stutter
Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.
Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"
"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?"replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went 'fffff! fffff! fffff!', and before he could say 'Fuck!', the dog ate him!"

Two Brothers
Once upon a time there were two brothers.
One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.
The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.
The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died.
Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.
He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?
He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it.
The blonde doesn't."

New British Invention
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough.
Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.