Friday, June 02, 2006

How to deal with stalkers or cling-on girlfriends you want to dump

I think it’s wonderful you could all be here for the 43rd anniversary of my 39th birthday…*

Okay, so I’m not that old. And proudly, Stuart thought I was 31. Well, either that or he’s damn well trained.

No, today it’s like being on top of the slide. From here on it’s all hurtling downhill until you fall face-first on the ground and lack the energy to get back up.

I actually like being in my 30’s. Much better than my 20’s. You know your own mind more, and you don’t take as much shit from people if you don’t need to, worry less about meeting their expectations and aren’t afraid to enjoy yourself.

But, being my birthday and all, I figured today should be about whatever I wanted it to be about. So, a bit about me, a bit of humour, and my wishes that you all have a great day.

How abnormal are you? (32%)

You Are 32% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul.

You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess.

You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection.

You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.

You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

If I have no soul, it's because the voices stole it from me.

And I only feel comfortable in basements if I'm carrying a cross and garlic. I'm not in love with my own reflection, which is good, because I can't look in mirrors, which explains the hair and make-up problems on the average day.

And it's not a chaotic mess. It's the "aura that is conducive to my art."

And, because I'm now old enough to dispense pearls of wisdom to the rest of the world, let's have the Sandra's self-help segment of the day. This one is for any of you famous people, like Stuart, who have stalkers, here’s one way to deal with them.

JT Ellison sent me this one. Bird Flu Hits Trailer Park

* Quote from Bob Hope


JT Ellison said...

Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Birthday, Dear Sandraaaaaa,
Happy Birthday to You!
May your day be filled with love, laughter, and many other 20% abnormal people. :)

Stephen Blackmoore said...

I was going to sing, but JT did so much better than I ever could. And in tune, too.

Happy birthday. And remember that there are moer abnormal people in teh world than you. Like me.

Daniel Hatadi said...

Get back down to the basement and clean up that pentagram. It's gonna be a long night and that 'Soul Restoration' spell is a doozy.

And don't forget to wash your hands before we start.

And ... happy birthday!

Brett Battles said...

Happy birthday! Don't play too much hockey today, okay?

LOVED that video.

Trace said...

Happy birthday, Sandra!! You share your birthday with my best friend Clare who lives in Waterloo, Ontario :)

My 39th is coming up in a couple of weeks, too. Of course you're a gemini!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Thanks JT - maybe when I'm as old as you I won't be as abnormal either. Yes, I'm ducking!

Stephen, you're what I aspire to. As a villain in my fictional creations, anyway.

Daniel, I'm on it. See, this is what Kev needs that other wife for, so I can just lord it over her and crack the whip.

Brett, too much hockey? No worries, we don't have enough snow.

Trace, LOL, yeah, we're Gemini's, aren't we?

Boy Kim said...

Can I apply for the position of "other wife" please?

Happy Bidet.

David Terrenoire said...

Happy Birthday, Sandra, one day off Miss Monroes, so that can't be all bad.

But 39, sweetie, is a walk in the park. You'll love your 40's, but the 50's get to be a bit of a drag, with premonitions of more to come as the indignities of age are so apparent even vodka won't wash them away.

So enjoy yourself. Really things get even better. Well, OK, not everything, but most things.

Do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

Sandra Ruttan said...

XO Boy Kim!

Thanks David - off to the bookstore!

And maybe I should have mentioned I'm 35...

angie said...

Happy Birthday, Sandra! And 35 is far from being at the start of the downward slide. Us womenfolk tend to live quite a bit past 70.

Loved the Bird Flu, BTW. I have a deep and unnatural love for plastic pink flamingos.

Brett Battles said...

Sadly...I'm only 12% abnormal...perhaps the test is faulty

Sandra Ruttan said...

Thanks Angie, hope you're right about the downward slide thing.

And Brett, that's just proof that psychopaths know how to fool lie detectors and other online personality tests. You're really 88% abnormal...

Andrea at Lochthyme said...

Happy Birthday Sandra! If at 35 you start hurtling downhill then i've picked up some good speed since I hit the big 40 this year. :0 So let's all look out for those rocks on our way down!

M. G. Tarquini said...

Salud! Mazoltov! L'chaim!

I actually like being in my 30’s. Much better than my 20’s.

That's good. Once you turn 40, you'll like being in your 30's even more.

Flood said...

Happy Birthday. I wish you a year of wonderful changes, with the good kind of stress that that is exciting and welcome.

Boy Kim said...

I don't get the flamingo thing.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Look out for rocks - LOL Andrea!

Ha Mindy! Yeah, I suspect you're right!

Thanks Flood. Fingers crossed.

Boy Kim, eish. You Welsh...

anne frasier said...

time for the spanking machine!!

i'd never heard of this custom until i moved to mn. i suspect it has to do with inbreeding and long cold winters. everybody lines up and the birthday girl crawls through our legs while we spank you.

happy birthday, sandra!! :)

Sandra Ruttan said...

So I get older and I'm supposed to get between people's legs and get spanked?

Right. I'll get right on that, not!

But thanks Anne!

Boy Kim said...

I have a friend in St Paul. I think I'll ask her if I can visit for my birthday.

James Goodman said...

Oh, man...I missed it. Happy Belated Birthday to you. I hope it was a joyous one.

Lisa Hunter said...

Happy Birthday!

I LOVE the flamingos. I would post them on my art blog if I knew where they came from. They're one of the most interesting "installation art" pieces I've seen all year.

S. W. Vaughn said...

OMG, how did I miss this yesterday??


'`-,/`';'-,.` <-confetti!

Forty_Two said...

I never realized how boring I am. I'm only 4% abnormal according to your survey.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Thanks James & SW... Lisa, I was sent the picture by a friend.

42... well, you can always work on being more abnormal. Hanging out here might help!

Bonnie Calhoun said...

I'm sorry I missed your birthday yesterday...Happy belated!(It's now Saturday)...just so future posters don't think I've gone over the edge...not that I haven't...oh well!

Forty_Two said...

Ironically, many of those who've read my weblog consider me to be quite over the edge. Why is it that the most normal and conservative looking people have the most radical ideas for change?