How blogging can ruin your life (Personality For Sale, part 2)

Tidal waves swept through cyberspace this weekend, with the assertion that Laura Lippman had implied author Martha Laurence is dead.

Before you read on, let me warn you. This post is going to get back to what I was thinking about when I asked if people should change who they are to succeed in their career. It isn't one of my chipper days on the blogs.

This is an excerpt from the interview Elaine Flinn did with Laura Lippman on Murderati on the weekend:

EE: Which writer would you love to have all to yourself in a cozy corner of the bar at the next Bcon? We'll keep this from David. Sorta kinda honest...
LL: Martha Lawrence. I miss her. Or James Crumley, but you need a stick to beat off all his fan boys.
EE: I wish I'd had a chance to meet Martha Lawrence.

There was nothing wrong with what Laura said. She did not say Martha had died. However, in the context of the statements, it is also understandable that someone might think that. In fact, people did think that, and questions popped up, in the comments thread and elsewhere.

I’m not mentioning this with the intention of embarrassing either Elaine or Laura, both well-respected authors, Elaine a regular on the popular Murderati blog. I’m mentioning this because it demonstrates one thing: even written words can be misinterpreted.

Before I became a full-time writer, before I worked in education, I studied communication theory. I’m convinced that the main reason people have trouble with any medium is not understanding it, it’s power, and it’s intrinsic “message” – the medium is the message (McLuhan) - but that’s a tangent I shall not indulge myself in for the moment.

When I studied communication theory, I had the privilege of reading and writing a paper based on Neil Postman’s fantastic book, Amusing Ourselves to Death. In it, he discusses a case example, where a scholar was rebuked for attempting to cite an oral reference. He was told by professors to replace it with a documented, written reference.

Pg 12 “The candidate argued further that there were more than three hundred references to published works in this thesis and that it was extremely unlikely that any of them would be checked for accuracy by the examiners, by which he meant to raise the question, Why do you assume the accuracy of a print-referenced citation but not a speech-referenced one?”

“The answer he received took the following line: You are mistaken in believing in the form in which an idea is conveyed is irrelevant to its truth. In the academic world, the published word is invested with greater prestige and authenticity than the spoken word. What people say is assumed to be more causally uttered than what they write.”

Any of us will say things we’ll later regret. We’ll shoot off our mouth, especially when tempers flare, or when we’ve been drinking, or if we feel comfortable with someone. If you’ve never regretted something you’ve said, you must come here just to laugh at me, right? Glad to be of service…

How does this tie in with my post about changing who you are to succeed in your career? Well, I was thinking specifically of the public careers – author, musician, actor.

Apparently my internet presence has been overestimated. Now, let me back the train up and explain a few things. Okay, one. I participate on a few forums. I’ve been on Val McDermid’s 2004, 2005, now it’s 2006… I’ve been on DorothyL the same amount of time, give or take, although I don’t consider it a forum. It’s a listserve. I am on another author forum. I was asked to help get it started, and I was happy to do that. It was easy. In order for people to think a forum is a happening place, there needs to be discussion. Especially when a forum is new, people don’t care so much if there’s a small number of people posting – they know more will come. So, I employed the basic strategy – generate a number of different posts, a fair bit of discussion. Get the ball rolling. Give people something to talk about. And it was very easy to back off because when the forum went “live” people jumped in and I didn’t need to generate discussion.

But what if people think I’m just participating on forums and commenting on blogs to promote myself?

It is a vicarious benefit of having a blog, yes, that people will hear about you who might not otherwise have. But that was never why I started blogging. I tend to say I started for the hell of it, but in truth, I thought it would be good discipline to focus my thoughts on one cohesive topic and write about it on a regular basis. If I’d really thought about marketing, I would have had that I was with Spinetingler on here from the beginning, I never would have called my blog Sandrablabber, and I would have touted myself as an editor, for sure. People would have listened to me more.

But I was just, foolishly, me being me.

I first started reading blogs about a year ago, as research for an interview with Stuart MacBride. I’ve been commenting on his blog ever since. My own philosophy is, I was so excited to get comments here when I started blogging, I always want to acknowledge people. I interact. If I’m going to be away from my computer, I mention it. I try to answer everyone, for at least the first few hours following a post. And I do try – sooner or later – to track down the people who comment here and check out their blog. Because I want to get to know them. I’m interested in you guys.

I couldn’t possibly comment everywhere I visit each day. Simply, not enough time. Furthermore, some days I look at the referrals and see someone’s come off of First Offenders, or another blog, and I think, “Crap! I haven’t been there yet today!”

My friends, you stop by and read and I love you for it. I love those who comment. I completely understand those who don’t. I love all the people who’ve invested time, made this a regular stop on their cyberjourney, and made this a cool place to talk. I’m not dropping by your blogs to raise my profile. I think it’s considerate, first of all. Otherwise, it’s like being the person who gets phoned, but never bothers to call. Eventually, that friend stops calling you, right? Because it’s a one-way street.

My thinking is, if a friend has their latest book cover pix posted on their blog should I email and say, “Great cover”? Why not just post a comment – that’s what they’re there for. I don’t mean to criticize people who email, but sometimes, I end up answering questions twice, once in email and once on my blog. I don’t mind myself, but I don’t tend to do that, unless I have something really heavy to say.

The thing is, my internet activities primarily are about me as a person. Should I stick my nose in the air and snub those who’ve supported me by not commenting on their blogs or forums anymore? This isn’t an easy question for me. I feel very much like I haven’t wanted to lose myself on this journey. I’ve wanted to be the person I always have been.

Now, I’ve been on Val’s forum for a few years, DorothyL as well, and I’d bet money next to nobody knew it. Because they didn’t know my name, I was Joe Blow Nobody. Now, sometimes people notice. It’s that way for me. I used to get DL messages from people and I had no clue who they were. Then, I discovered they were an author, their books, magazine, whatever. And when their name ends up in my inbox, I don’t think, Goddamn fucking bitch is out there overpromoting herself again. I think, “Oh, (insert name here) has commented.” And depending on who it is, I might drop everything to go read their thoughts because (sue me) I’m interested in what they have to say.

I actually feel really uncomfortable with people who never speak up. Are they just a face? Who are they? Or are they someone who holds their banner in the air, decides which way the wind is blowing and goes with it until the weather changes? I don’t know those people. I’m not talking about people who don’t comment here, I’m talking about people who never express an opinion on anything, never share a personal insight, story, whatever.

If we went by averages, I don’t post as much at Val’s as I used to. I go through phases with DorothyL, where I post regularly, and then long periods of silence.

But I have always, always, always wanted my friends to know I love and support them.

I remember Ian Rankin making reference once to the difference with authors – they were people. They weren’t “celebrities” like musicians, so people could relate to them.

I’ll be brutally honest with you. I fear that if I stop commenting and interacting the same way I have for the past few years, it means I’m developing an artificial public persona, the mask I’ll wear to show my “acceptable” side.

This is something really important for all of you to think about. I never feel when Stuart or Cornelia don’t comment that they’re snubbing me. I know they’re brutally busy. And when they comment, I never feel they’re here to promote themselves – I LOVE IT! They’re welcome any time. They’re my friends - I love them. It’s that simple. And damn, if you haven’t bought their books yet, what’s wrong with you????

For myself, if I don’t take a minute to answer someone who addresses me on a forum or to post a comment when nobody else has answered a question, I feel rude. I have an obsessive-compulsive problem, and feel obligated to answer every email too. I have three main email addresses and I cleared one on the weekend – 1802 messages in 9 days. Dear GOD, someone shoot me now…

So, I have a problem. Because I want to keep it real - I mean, I’m a soon-to-be-published author, not some fucking rock star! I never want to be unapproachable. I love the fact that writers and bloggers email me, that friends email me, that people feel they can talk to me. Does it sound boastful to say that I’m shocked, and flattered, that 663 people read my post last week on Killer Year? Wow. I remember being so surprised back when I got 30 hits a day on my blog.

I’ve given you my perspective about my internet activities. I can honestly state for myself that what I primarily care about when commenting is supporting the blogger, especially my regulars here, and keeping in touch with friends.

While I’ve looked at blogs and forums more as casual conversation, when you post something, it’s out there forever. It’s almost impossible to retract what you right, when you can smooth over what you say with, “What I meant was…” and clear it up. Gone. Unless someone has a tape recorder they can’t prove you said it. Over time, people will forget about it.

But it isn’t the same with comments on blogs or forums.

Sometimes, staying silent isn’t the same as selling out. It’s about showing common sense. Patrick Shawn Bagley commented on my Saturday post, "Did you ever fear that by speaking your mind and taking a stand for what you believed in that you’d kill your career?"Sort of. I know you'll find this hard to believe, but I have on occasion kept opinions to myself...if I thought expressing them would have repercussions in the workplace. I'm not talking about a fear of being fired, but merely trying to avoid unneccesary tension in a small office. In the interests of keeping the peace I sometimes keep my mouth shut.Then, to alleviate my frustration, I go home and post dumbass comments on other folks' blogs.

Aw Patrick, we’re kindred spirits. I vent through my keyboard all the time.

And we aren’t alone. My husband did a web search on a coworker and discovered she had a blog. And discovered she’d been writing about how much she, ahem, disliked evilkev. There were references to phone conversations he’d had from work, to “his wife”, talking about his stupid coworkers…

Kevin and I thought it was funny. Not everybody would. The story I started off with, with Elaine and Laura, demonstrates that even a sincere comment can be misconstrued, even in the context of an interview.

Sometimes, you have to think about how things sound, and how things look because, ladies and gentlemen, perception is often more powerful than truth.

I’m not going to stand here and tell you to change who you are. Fundamentally, in your core, I don’t think you should. No matter what you do, there will always be people who have the wrong idea about you. I recently went through this with a phone call, about someone spreading around a hateful email about me. I’ve never met the person who dislikes me, there are no allegations involved against me that I can answer to. They just hate me and call me names.

What can I do about it? Sweet fuck all.

Lisa Hunter put a reference to a quote in the comments of my Saturday post. H.D. Thoreau said to beware of all endeavors that required new clothes.

Consider this now, my friends. If you suddenly stop posting when you sign the book deal, some will think you’re a snobby jerk who needs to be taken down a peg or two.

If you don’t, some might think you’re working every angle to sell yourself.

If you jump up and down and gush on your blog about selling a story, some might genuinely be happy for you, because they know you’re enthusiastic.

And others might think you’re completely self-absorbed.

In the blog world, words are forever. even if someone decides to remove an entire thread along with comments, it can still show up if googled. i'm not saying that was done, i'm pointing out how words remain on the internet even though they are no longer on your blog. when you blog, think etched in stone. think possibly backed up in a file on somebody's external drive. you never know who's watching and reading. This quote comes from Anne Frasier’s blog. In the wake of many things said in anger or with heated emotions over the ITW controversy, Anne’s advice is good advice, something nobody should hastily dismiss.

In the discussion on my Saturday post, I talked about someone in my extended family that I try to avoid discussions with. It isn’t about selling out but, as I put it there (the comment has the context) “There’s no point shouting at a deaf man.”

There are definitely times when speaking out isn’t going to make a difference to the situation, and all it may end up doing is hurting you. I don’t necessarily consider staying silent then to be selling out, but that’s something for each individual to work out for themselves.

We can disagree on stuff, but if you’re my friend, I’ll still love you. Friendship isn’t about 100% agreement, and it sure as hell isn’t about one-way streets. There’s give and take, ups and downs, but end of the day it’s people who like each other and want to share in each other’s lives. I support my friends.

I did have a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to something someone said to me the other day, and I deleted some comments I made. Something I normally never ever do. I spent most of the weekend unable to eat or sleep and have been trying to work this out ever since in my own head.

Because it seems that, no matter the truth about my intentions, not everyone thinks my motives are sincere.

And what I hope is that you’ll tell me what you think. Should people pull back when they sign a book deal? Should people stay the same? Not just people with book deals, but in general. How much is too much? Do you feel I’m using you by dropping by your blog and commenting? If you do, feel free to email – I want to know.

Anne’s advice is really good advice. It’s something for us all to think about.

In fact, if I’d been a smarter marketing type, I would have thought about this blog long and hard before I started. Everything would have been strategic. I’m afraid I’m just not that savvy. But if your blog is about promoting yourself, then this is something you’ll want to think about.

JA Konrath has said there’s not such thing as bad publicity, but I’m not sure I agree. And, like it or not, your web presence can be construed as a form of publicity. So, even if you mean well, well, not considering all of this might amount to cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Not a good idea.

And thanks for bearing with me through these long, rambling thoughts. And you really should read Jason Pinter's post at Killer Year today if this speaks to you, because it's like he covered the thoughts and feelings in the other half of my brain.