Friday, March 31, 2006

Where you’re coming from (From Oral Sex To Prophetic Breasts, and more)

I know. You thought you’d heard it all from me. Between the open discussions on porn and the occasional need to send the smut police over here, you didn’t think I could go any lower.

Brace yourself, Ethel. We’re getting down on our knees today.

Every now and again, I check out where my blog traffic is coming from. This week, I found myself on a Tesco search engine. Someone in Sweden dropped by after a google search for “head struck pavement” (shut up Stuart). Curiously, someone in Ontario got here after a search for “questions most likely asked in a safety job interview with the British Columbia.” I’m not even sure what that means, and I have no clue how it links to Sandrablabber.

Slightly more relevant was the hit from the Republic of Korea, after googling “made by oops.” Sounds about right.

Most notable? From South Africa:

“I am horney I want to be fucked without registering.”

Now, as I’ve already explained, I only fuck the registered. So something went awry with that google search.

I also discovered traffic from The Lipstick Chronicles. I was intrigued, so I went to check it out. Take a look for yourselves. Part of my post one day, about the husband getting a promised blow job, was referenced in the comments by Cornelia Read.

But it gets better. Read the post. Oh my. Oh oh… well, what can I say? I never tricked evilkev into marriage with spontaneous blow jobs in public places.

I swear.

Now, Cornelia posed the question, “In the interest of fair play, what are the monuments that suggest interludes of reciprocity on the oral sex front? Grand Canyon?” And really, there was no answer.

So, what would be the monuments that would inspire a man to drop to his knees and, well, satisfy his woman?

Now, this blog is read by a lot of men, so I’ll be very disappointed if none of them toss out a thought or two. I can’t speak from personal experience, because I’m a prude. Growing up I thought there was one kind of sex: dirty. And I never saw the need to involve a woman in digital sex when a man’s arms are plenty long enough.

But for some reason, Cornelia, I’ve got the Irish Sea in my head, and I don’t know why…

Now, not only are we to think of what prompts spontaneous oral sex, but we must consider the new science. Yes, courtesy of Russel (via agent Phil) I am now up to speed on the new technique of predicting the future by feeling a woman’s mammaries. “The novel tells the story of Dr.Schwartzball, inventor of the science of mammarology. As a phrenologist tells the future by feeling heads so Schwartzball makes his predictions by feeling mammaries. From his Parisian chambers he achieves immense popularity amongst a select female clientel…”

Oh, yeah, I bet he’s popular. He’s had plenty of experience refining his technique.

Some guy comes up to me and wants to predict the future by feeling my mammaries, I can tell him what I see in the future without him doing a thing. It involves my foot impacting his crotch, and I hope I’m wearing something steel-toed for a change.

What would a Friday be without something to smile about?

So, whether you muster up the courage to discuss oral sex, or your insights on the mammalogist, whatever you do this weekend, I do have some advice for you. What not to say during moments of intimacy.

1. Are you trying to be funny?

2. Oh my Lord in Heaven, please forgive me for this vile sin I am about to
commit.

3. Remember.... I don't want to get involved.

4. Have you gained some weight?

5. Whoops -- sorry!

6. SHAME on you!

7. Hup, two, three four....

8. Oh Leroy ... I mean ... (insert his name here)

9. Careful! Don't muss my hair!

10. **RING RING (phone)** What? Oh nothing, what about you?

11. Woman: I love you! Man: Let's not spoil it, okay? (or vice versa)

12. You done yet?

13. I forgot to tell you. I'm leaving for Alaska tomorrow.

14. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Foot in mouth, or something else?
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true
story...
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman on live TV and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?”
Oh, naughty
Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?!
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Have a good weekend everybody. Don’t forget: if you’re as old as Boy Kim, use a cushion. Hardwood and pavement is hell on the knees.

35 comments:

Bernita said...

Don't think I'll touch this one with a ten-foot pole...

JamesO said...

There is a slight problem with your question about reciprocity, Sandra. It assumes that men's minds work in the same way as women's. Surely you should have worked out by now that, when it comes to sex - oral or otherwise - us men don't have minds.

Bernita said...

"We know, James," she smiled.

Sandra Ruttan said...

LOL Bernita!

James, damn you for giving every man the reasonable escape here. Oh, come on then. Just tell us the location for your ultimate sexual fantasy.

As long as it isn't on a table in the bar at Harrogate with Rickards and MacBride, we'd like to know.

JamesO said...

Eww. Now there's an image I could have happily lived the rest of my life without.

But, putting my best psychology hat on here, it speaks volumes about the sort of fantasy you seem to indulge in, Sandra.

As for location... hmmm... The SF hack in me thinks weightlessness might be fun - outer space in a Barbarella-esque spaceship, perhaps.

But I suspect the reality of weightless sex would be a lot of motion and not much action. So much like normal sex then;}#

Sandra Ruttan said...

Nah, I don't indulge in fantasies. I just recycle the ones Stuart and John talk about regularly.

Weightless. I think they did that on an episode of Deep Space 9.

One thing I completely DO NOT understand: rape fantasies. WTF? I'm talking women who fantasize about being forced against their will here. Is that so they don't have to feel guilty about what they're doing?

You guys all probably think I'm a pretty lewd person at times, but it's all strictly intellectual curiosity. One thing I did, writing mainly from the POV of men as I do, was read a lot about what men think about sex and various other things. My husband is absolutely no help on such stuff - he can go months without, and when I asked him why some people preferred the, uh, rear entry, he said it was because they're abnormal.

Which I've sinced learned is his way of dismissing something he doesn't want to talk about.

See? No help at all.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

OMGosh....OMGosh...snort, snort...LOL

Sandra...you..LOL..are a bad girl!

ROFLOL...LOL

Sandra Ruttan said...

Thanks Bonnie! Making you laugh is quite an accomplishment, because you routinely have the funniest blog!

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

"Their balls are just for decoration."

Now ain't that the most truthful line I've heard in the last ten years!

Cornelia Read said...

Irish Sea.... *SNORT*!

So here we are, right back to "Brace yourself, Bridget!"

And then there's the old "what's foreplay in Maine?" "Get in the truck."

Sandra Ruttan said...

Dana, that's me. Poster child for education, at your service!

Cornelia, you know why the Irish have the gift of eloquence? Good with their tongues but not much else.

Or so I've heard.

Ahem. And I suppose in southern California, it would be the double O's in the Hollywood sign that inspire?

Cornelia Read said...

I draw the line at Paddy O'Furniture.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Not really conducive to the recreational activities we're discussing anyway. Not sturdy enough.

Erik Ivan James said...

I'll take a taste, so to speak.

I enjoy giving my female partner the pleasure of oral sex, if it pleasures her. After all, a healthy sexual relationship is brought about by the willingness of each partner to please the other.

Regarding fantasy location; I'm not much into exhibitionism.

Boy Kim said...

If evilkev thinks people who prefer the "uh, rear entry" (and by this do you mean doggy style or anal intercourse?) are abnormal, I dread to think what he would think of someone with my preferred sexual activity.

"... if you're as old as Boy Kim, use a cushion."

That's all well and good, but there's a problem: when visitors sit on my settee, it can be a little tricky explaining what the squelching noise is.

Sandra Ruttan said...

I meant anal. I just couldn't think of the word.

It isn't that he thinks that. That's his excuse for not talking about it. Because we just have sex occasionally, but never discuss it.

The squeaks? I'm not even asking.

David Terrenoire said...

I can't speak for other men, because men don't usually speak about these things honestly, but, honestly, I don't need any encouragement to go down on a woman. None. Once I'm there, a little aural encouragement is nice to hear, even if it's just a quickening of breath.

And I once dated a woman who was so tall I had to go up on her.

Thank you, I'll be here all week.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Either that woman was very tall or you're very short.

And I'm not asking for more details.

But Erik and David have proven one thing: some men are happy to please their partner. So not all men are just interested in what satisfies them, contrary to common assertions.

But men don't speak about these things? Really? I mean, women don't, which is why everyone snickers and blushes when they drop by my blog. You won't get me discussing this in person, though. Not unless I've had enough to drink.

Bernita said...

Harumph.
I neither snickered not blushed.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Okay, okay.

Everyone but Bernita.

(Shame on me for generalizing!)

Boy Kim said...

Anal oral stimulation can also be very... ummm, stimulating and pleasurable.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Huh, and here's me thinking you were going to discuss sheepskins and the advantages of wellies, being Welsh and all.

David Terrenoire said...

Sandra,

Men do speak of these things, but it's usually in a rowdy, locker room type way. But most men wouldn't bring up the subject of cunnilingus because, well, it's like masturbation. Nine out of ten guys say they do it and that tenth guy is a liar.

When I was in the service, men did talk about everything, because of long periods of intense boredom, and the saying there was, "You show me a man who doesn't go down on his woman and I'll show you another man who does."

But, while we're on the subject, the thing almost all married men complain about is no oral sex from their wives. Maybe a birthday BJ or anniversary hummer, but it's the dark secret of straight marriage.

I was at a party recently, surrounded by gay men, and the conversation turned to blow jobs and we were laughing about something and one of them said, "David, you're the only straight married man in the room, so you haven't had your dick sucked in years."

What could I say? He was right.

And I went back and looked in the marriage brochure and it's not there, not even in the tiny type. Someone should tell single guys about this, and I think it should be his fiance, the same girl who will go down on him in a car, but after the ceremony? Nope, not so much.

I'd be interested to hear married women talk about this.

Bernita said...

I'll risk a couple of comments on the understanding that no personal inference be made.
(1) If there were not so many derrogatory/contemptous references made to "cock-suckers", fellows might find women more willing.
(2)some women have a physical gag reflex - which makes even dental work difficult for them.
Not so much won't -but can't.

David Terrenoire said...

bernita,

I can't talk about the first one, because I consciously don't use cocksucker as a dreogatory term , just for this reason.

But no. 2, that's not what at issue here. The married men I've heard talk about this, and most don't because it's embarrassing, the same women who were energetic, adventurous, sexual dynamos before the wedding, after the wedding shut down. Not all at once, but over the years.

Not to get too personal about this, (ah hell, I've already done that) but my wife gave the best head I've ever had, and I spent my 20's single in the 70's, so I knew good head. I once told her, it's like living with a gifted artist who's quit painting.

After a while, I just resigned myself to never getting head again. In my 30's I was really angry about it, and felt like it was a violation of the contract. It's one thing to say before your married, "I don't do that," but to suddenly stop, that's just not right.

This is such a common thing that there's the joke, "Why is the bride smiling as she walks down the aisle? She's thinking, No more blow jobs."

So I know I'm not the only husband with this complaint.

And what's that Tom Waits' line, "getcha little somthing that you can't get at home."

I'll bet if you looked into why men stray, you'll find a lot of them have been shut down at home.
I'm old now, and truly happy in my marriage, but there was a time this was a real issue.

Another reason men don't talk about this, and I hesitate to bring it up even here, is that women immediately brand the man as a pig, and insensitive, etc.

It happens.

Sandra Ruttan said...

What? Someone would dare call a man a pig? Not on my blog!

Okay, wow. I can really see your points there about the shift in, um, recreation after marriage.

Actually, I would quite agree with you about some of the reasons men stray. It's the old joke about the differences between hookers, mistresses and wives: the hooker says "faster faster" the mistress says "slower slower" and the wife says "beige - I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

I know you aren't the only husband with that complaint. Not that I'm speaking about my own marriage in this regard - I have lots of friend who are guys, and for some reason, they'll talk to another woman about it. Maybe it's trying to understand?

Kevin wouldn't be happy if I said anything more personal on this topic on the blog (so email if you want to know) but I have definitely considered as a wife that if he cheated, it would be my own fault.

He hasn't and I smartened up.

animal dog lover said...

I appreciate the time you have taken to keep your blog going, thank you for the nice read.

Regards,

animal dog lover

David Terrenoire said...

I just want you to know that I was so honest, and so naked on this comment thread, that I know, I KNOW, that I'll come to regret it some day in a bar with Banks and Rickards.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Thanks animal dog lover!

David, I really appreciate your honesty. I'm sure you will come to regret this with Rickards and Banks...though I don't know if Ray actually reads my blog. Does he lurk in secret and laugh at me without me knowing? Hmmm.

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