Thursday, March 09, 2006

Word Play, Foreplay and Friday Funnies

It’s time for the Friday Funnies, I know…

But yesterday’s first post got me thinking about words, and how we use them.

Over here, “top shelf” refers to expensive alcohol. Evidently, in the UK it refers to porn.

In my office, it refers to all the books by my favourite authors I cram into the upper shelves so that the dogs and cats can’t chew on them. Lesson learned after Nootka ate half the cover of Every Secret Thing. Laura Lippman would forgive him, though, I’m sure. She loves dogs.

Of course, then there are expressions. And every culture has them, and even within countries they very from region to region.

Whenever I say I don’t want to borrow trouble, evilkev calls me an easterner. Which is his way of borrowing trouble and getting a smack from his completely justified wife.

Yesterday I said somewhere else that someone had ‘sussed me out’. I’m still not sure I used the Brit slang right.

Every now and again someone uses a brilliant play on words. And I discovered this site that talks about the history of expressions. It isn’t exhaustive, but it is interesting.

Phrase origins

And here are some interesting things for the writers to ponder.

For all you lexiophiles

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count
that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
11. When a clock is hungry it go! es back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes o! n a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

And before I bring you the Friday Funnies…

The all nude police officer calendar for 2006 is now available!

The all nude police officer calendar for 2006 comes in an all-male and an all-female version now for the knock-out price of only $5.00. Money from each sale goes to the National Police Officer Memorial Fund.

All pictures show full frontal nudity, for both female and males. Just click on the menu to select which one you want to preview. They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers.

to view all 12 (24) totally nude police officers.

Now, the Friday Funnies...
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.. Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male…. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

He said, she said

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said ..... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing > board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ...... What have you been doing with all the grocery > money I gave you?

She said .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ...... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said ...... I would but you're never there.

He said ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

She said ...... They don't have time

He said ...... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said ...... We don't know; it has never happened.

He said ...... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

She said ...... They already have boyfriends.

He said ...... Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said ...... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Bonnie Calhoun said...

I like the yin/yang analogy between men and women.

Hmmm...on the men calendars...i have a birthday coming up in July...for anyone who knows where I am!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Hmmm, I don't think Bonnie clicked on the link!

Bernita said...

I'll admit it - those definitions and things left me going "ha" and a feeling of smug satisfaction. I wonder why.

James Goodman said...

I'll admit it...I clicked the link and yes, the speakers were turned up and yes, several of my crew came by the office to see what all the ruckus was about. :D That was awesome...

Ric said...

That was really LOUD!!

Bad enough I have to put up with Bonnie's male bashing - now I have to defend the gender on yet another blog - very funny blog, but still...

JamesO said...

Surely 'making love' is a gerund, not a noun as such.

Sandra Ruttan said...

James G and Ric, tee hee. Glad you enjoyed it! (I'm not responsible for the volume...sorry!)

And Ric, come defend your kind any time here. These guys all let it slide because they know I love men. Not as many as I might like, but still.

And JamesO, sigh. Leave it to you to be technical...

E. Ann Bardawill said...

Are you and Bonnie having a contest or something?

I didn't click.

Unless it's Grissom from CSI, I just don't care.

E. Ann Bardawill said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Boy Kim said...

Yeah, snowing, right.

And I'm not surprised the bottom of you was really, really cold if all you were wearing was a t-shirt and an unzipped jacket. I trust you had something on your feet?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Sweetie, I was wearing mukluks.

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

Bardawill - Amazing how we Bunions have similar tastes.

As to the funnies, Sandra, yes I'm fat, but that means I'm at the computer writing!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Yeah, but Bardawill did click on the link re: the nude calendar. She only admitted it via email.

Boy Kim said...

Seeing as you've mentioned it twice now (and my alopogies for not answering the first time), you did indeed use "sussed" correctly.

Good to see that you're not all "bloody foreigners".

Another play on words for you: the West Indian guy swimming in an Eqyptian river couldn't admit he was gay because he was in denial

Lisa S. said...

Thanks for the giggles Sandra, a real day brightner and so many of them are so true.

I'm passing these along to some non-blogging buddies.