That’s Not a Man, That’s a Jellyfish*

There are times when you want to say to someone, “I have two words for you. Get help.”

That’s what I’d like to say to James Wilson. Seriously. Get the tent off the roof and invest in a marriage counselor.

Mr. Wilson is upset because his young children are affecting the level of intimacy in his marriage. The two-year-old won’t sleep without a pacifier. The two-month-old won’t sleep without Mom.

Mr. Wilson, get a grip. Like you’re the first man to have to deal with young children and their various needs.

You can’t reason with a two-month-old. Anyone who stands in judgment of parents of young kids probably – and I stress probably – doesn’t have children. I mean, there are bad parents, sure. Parents who don’t discipline. Parents who give their kids everything they want.

But a two-month-old with sleep issues? Oh yeah, there’s a news flash.

Mr. Wilson has taken to the rooftops to protest the lack of intimacy in his marriage and force his wife to deal with their children’s issues.


He says on his site that he is doing this to protest because his wife won’t take his advice (I see nothing about him considering her point of view or trying things her way) and to send a message to wives everywhere that husbands have feelings too.

Mr. Wilson, so do wives. And so do mothers.

I hope lightning zaps your tent.

I’m being brutal here, but my issue isn’t actually his concerns with his children. I worked with children for many years. I have friends with young children. I have a niece and two nephews, ages 11 years, 7 years and 9 months.

I am familiar with the issues of childhood. I’ve seen a toddler tax the patience of the most understanding person.

In fact, my sister had all of her kids sleep with them. I’m not saying I advocate this, but I must admit that for them, it worked very well. Particularly now, with Dashiell, my sister is able to sleep through the night without getting up for him because he’s in a crib that attaches to the side of the bed, and she’s been able to continue working this year (her job allows her to bring him with her to work). For her, that was important because she finally got her dream job last year, and the pregnancy wasn’t planned.

I have another friend whose baby is a nocturnal feeder. When I was visiting, I was relieved when she took the baby to bed. Then I didn’t have to hear her scream at night.

I had a cousin that sucked her thumb until she was 9. Her parents finally put molasses on her hand, cured that. What the pacifier has to do with intruding on their intimacy I don’t get, anyway.

But what really bugs me about this guy is not that they disagree with how to deal with their children. That’s not unusual. What bothers me is how he’s turned this into a public campaign. Getting signatures from random people on a website petition is going to change his wife’s mind?

Why the hell would he think she’ll change if a bunch of strangers say she should? A marriage isn’t exactly a democracy, and neither is this petition. Seriously. All the overbearing men of the world will rush to sign this in support of one man trying to put a woman in her place.

What I want to know is, where is the petition to get this ass off the roof and into the doghouse?


I’m sorry, but if evilkev ever went public like this to try to strong-arm me with petitioned support from strangers, I’d check to see if his balls had been removed when I wasn’t looking.

Because any man that I can control to the point where he feels he has to cry out to other men to support him, because we can’t talk about things and work them out like adults, is not a man. He’s a spineless jellyfish.

This isn’t a last-ditch effort – this is just a ploy for attention, to get people to take sides in his marriage. I’m sure he knows deep down that if he talks to someone with intelligence and experience – like a marriage counselor - they’ll tell him he isn’t special and he’s being unreasonable.

I don’t respect a man – or anyone - who runs away from his problems and whines for sympathy.

Mr. Wilson, you want to talk about things affecting the intimacy in marriage? Try being married to a man on call 24-7. Yep, other than when he’s working or out of town, evilkev lives with a radio attached to his hip. Last night we’d gone to bed and were talking and the tones went off. He had to jump out of bed and go running.

See me sulking about our unfinished conversation?

Happened the other day when we were out for lunch. The food came, he took one bite and the tones went off.

The reality is, it can happen any time, without warning. When we’re sharing a, ahem, private moment against the laundry room door or when we’re in the shower or – dare I say it? – when we’re in bed, the radio always has to be there. And you can’t say, “NOT NOW, dammit.”

You just hope you don’t accidentally press the talk button and transmit anything when the radio doesn’t intrude.

And you know what? That’s okay. There are some nights I get woken up at 3 am. There are mornings that come and evilkev’s still on a call and I don’t know where he is or how long he’ll be.

But I supported his decision to be a firefighter.

And for heaven’s sake Mr. Wilson, your wife didn’t create those children alone.

Please, go to this site and tell this guy to invest in a pair and try to act like a real mature married man.

The one thing we can all take comfort in. No matter how left of center we might be, we can rest assured, knowing there are plenty of people in the world who are much stranger than we are.

And Mr. Wilson is, in my books, the wackjob of the week. Psst, Mr. Wilson. Let me tell you what’s intruding on the intimacy in your marriage now: YOU. As long as you sleep on the roof, you’re sleeping alone, buddy.

And how the hell do you think your kids will feel when they realize you abandoned your role in the family because you were fed up with their issues? You expect your two-month-old and two-year-old to demonstrate a level of maturity that you have yet to exhibit. Who the hell is the parent? Who’s the adult? This isn’t an adult solution to an adult problem. It’s just childish.

Your family deserve better. I hope they get it, after the divorce.

*The planned post for today has been pre-empted due to my need to rant about this.