Saturday, April 01, 2006

Love On The Rocks

I know I hinted at it yesterday in my comments, but I’ve decided to share with you all the problems in my marriage.

I’ve taken a few excerpts out of my diary, so you can get a feel for what’s happening without reading for half your life. And maybe some of you will have some suggestions, some insight that can help us save our marriage.*

Day 1

It’s been 7 years since we met, but the anniversary came and went with not much to celebrate. When it came time for bed he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac Pills with the Viagra Pills, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5

What absolute bliss!!

Day 6

Isn't life wonderful. But it's difficult to write while he's exercising his new-found MANHOOD.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.

Day 9

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Jack Daniels whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete PIG.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous....

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a Nun, but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!

Day 15

I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to
everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.

Day 16

The bastard has started to complain about not getting enough. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18

Aaaahhhh! He's back on Prozac. The lazy bastard just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

Now, for something serious check out the Death Test

After honestly answering all questions, including the query about whether or not there’s a history of ugliness in my family (be serious) and whether or not I’ve fired a gun in the past two years (duh, this is Alberta), I persevered to the end and these are my results:

According to our research, you’ll be dead by October 2056

At age 85

Probably Cause: Stroke

Average Female Life Span: 77.1 years

As you can plainly see, you have more health and vitality than the average woman.

Why you die?

56% Stroke
24% Ulcers/bowel toughness
13% Loneliness
5% Drowning of the lungs
2% Wounds

I have lived 18500.2 days left on this earth

I have lived 41% of my life.

Now, isn’t that cheery?

I did the quiz for my husband and with the amount of nagging and sexual demands, he’ll be dead by August. Good news for someone else who’s looking to live hard and fast and die young, well insured.

* In case you didn’t get that that’s a joke, look at the date please!
With thanks to Bonnie for the joke.


Bernita said...

I'm going to live to be 80 - gives me lots of time to become an anarchist as is my plan.

JamesO said...

I've already had 52% of my life. Damn, I missed the half-way party.

Erik Ivan James said...

Well, if you confiscated the remaing Viagra supply, I have a friend.....

Sandra Ruttan said...

Don't worry James - we'll celebrate at Harrogate. Hope you're late for your funeral too.

Bernita, an anarchist - LOL!

Erik, sure, sure, I can keep a secret. Did you ever read my Christmas, Cookies and Cannibals story? You might like it -link on the side.

James Goodman said...

I will die at the ripe old age of 71.

I've got a lot to do before then...

David Terrenoire said...

I'll live to be 80.

Unfortunately, my money will run out at age 65.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Not good David.

It's all that drinking and partying...

Yes James, nothing like a forecast of your life being sufficiently over to motivate you.

When I first saw in big letters "October" I just about died. Then I remembered to look at the year. Geez, that scared me.

Kate said...

They said I'd die of old age when I'm 88.

They didn't ask about my tendency to walk in front of buses so they could be wrong.

Christa M. Miller said...

Oh, an *anarchist*... Bernita, at first I thought you said antichrist...

Boy Kim said...

"Do you have a history of depravity?" Depends on one's definition.

"Do you have a history of holding on too long?" Holding on to what, for fuck's sake?

"How much really nice beef have you consumed in the last two weeks?" None. I deliberately consume putrid beef.

Oh, and the girl wearing the red top on the third row of pictures is really cute.

Sandra Ruttan said...

LOL Christa!

Kate, not much hope for you then! The bus always wins.

Kim, so your funeral is what day this month?

Boy Kim said...

Not sure. I died last weekend, but I can give you the phone # of the undertaker if you want to come to it.

Bernita said...

Naw, Christa, the best I could hold out for is the Whore of Babylon...
Did I really say that?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Geez Kim, no wonder you've looked better.

LOL Bernita! You should change the name of your blog!

Bernita said...

But I don't know Babylon, Sandra.
Do you suppose he could keep me in style?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Maybe, but I have a feeling you'd be the stylin' trend-setter in the relationship.

Isn't every woman?

M. C. Pearson said...

That was way too funny...I'll go take the death test now.

M. C. Pearson said...

I'm much like you...I am supposed to die in February 2050 at age 83.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Well m.c., we both come from beautiful families, so that's a start!

JA Konrath said...

According to the death test, I died three years ago and no one told me.

Funny story, and a cautionary tale as well.

I'm gonna ask my wife to not shave her armpits for a coupla days...

Sandra Ruttan said...

What's even more amusing is that your name will be at the top of my blog post tomorrow. It's like you knew...

Bonnie Calhoun said...

I' supposesd to die in 2025 at the age of 75....I've lived 71% of my life....I wonder if God knows that? LOL

You done me proud with the joke! That was great for April Fools!