Green

Green. My favourite colour. Also an interesting word, because it has so many different meanings.

You can feel green (sick).

You can be green, as in a newbie, inexperienced.

But today, it's about making you all green. Which is only fair, because it's St. Patrick's Day, and it would be a darned shame for anyone not to sport the proper colour for the occasion. Yes, that's right. On this side of the border it will be green beer and green mashed potatoes and green Irish soda bread to boot.


It was really hard to photograph this, but there you have it - commemorating my first writing award as an author. Wow. Isn't it beautiful? My publisher (TICO Publishing) really went all-out with this - I'm wearing another part of my prize as I type.

And I might joke about making you all jealous, but really, it just goes to show that if you chase your dreams, you can achieve your goals. If I can, so can you.

My leprechaun has made a rare appearance in honour of the holiday.



Truthfully, I'm green with envy that my friends are at Left Coast Crime. But that's okay. I can drown my sorrows in my green beer, and I have Harrogate to look forward to.

With not just Stuart MacBride and John Rickards and Simon Kernick, but also Ian Rankin and Mark Billingham and Val McDermid and Denise Mina.

Two quick notes:
Update from yesterday: evilkev, who communicates with me by reading my blog and emailing occasionally, has tracked down the book Twenty and Ten for me, so I'll be adding a childhood classic to my shelves. That's why I keep him around. He's well trained.

And if you're lurking, dying to comment, feel free. Commenters I've met in person from my blog? Well, evilkev. And Stuart MacBride.

I've talked to Cornelia on the phone. A few others (Boy Kim, Kate) I've been emailing with for a long time, off various forums.

And the rest are just mad people who somehow found their way here.
So if you're crazy enough to read, feel free to join in the commenting madness. Lurking is only one step removed from stalking, you know.

The St. Patrick's Day Friday Funnies
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little too much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.

"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walks to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
***

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" 

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. 

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." 

"Of Course," replies the second man. 

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" 

"Dublin," comes the reply. 

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. 

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" 

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." 

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. 
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. 

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

***
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
***

A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. The man proceeded to say, "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up. Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son."

"Well " said the bartended "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? "

"Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once!"
***

The Doctor was puzzled. "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."
***

"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?"
"No, what good is it?"

"Well if you use, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from!"
***

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."