Monday, October 09, 2006

Gobble Gobble

It’s Thanksgiving today, at least on this side of the border. What that means is family and much yard work.

Okay, seriously, I like Thanksgiving. This is my favourite time of year, at least, while the leaves are still on the trees. Why wouldn't everyone love this time of year? Well, everyone except the turkeys, I guess.

Right now, I can tell you that I’m not thankful that my email is acting up again. I have stuff re: interviews and such I need to send out, but I can receive, but not send. Grrrr.

I am thankful that we found Skittles. Somehow he managed to get out yesterday. What’s deeply disconcerting is that we didn’t even know. If I hadn’t been looking for the spray nozzle for the hose, I wouldn’t have ended up in the shed, which is where I found him.

I recently crossed 28,000 hits on my blog. A while back, I set an arbitrary target for a number I’d like to hit by the time I celebrated my one year anniversary of blogging. I’m not sure if I’ll hit it or not, but I’ve decided it doesn’t matter. The focus shouldn’t be only on numbers and such. I had two readers when I started here – my husband and Stuart – and never really thought beyond that at the time. I started the blog for myself, for the discipline of getting up and writing a short, focused piece on one topic. I thought it would help my short story writing, because my brain always goes to tangents.

So, if I make the number, I make it. If I don’t, only I will know.

Now, since this is a holiday, it seems a good time to post the alcoholic horoscopes Norby sent me. I’m starting with my own, because it’s the one I can comment on.

Alcoholoroscopes

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21) Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without
changing their behavior much -- they're so naturally chatty &
short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can
amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing some-thing
unbelievable in an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking
in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully
(& uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once.
They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is
boring -- & may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon
blanc & limoncello) for their own amusement.

For the record, I do drink all over the map when I drink. I seldom know what I’m drinking and rarely get the same twice in a row, because I haven’t a clue.

But I’m always exceptionally well-behaved. I’m everyone’s little sister. ☺


CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22) Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker
-- & an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra
comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio &
Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at
ferreting out secret parties & insinuating themselves on VIP lists --
and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead,
they get "tired & emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's
nothing better than swapping stories (& spit) over a few bottles of inky
red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer
will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, & you'd be adored if
you served up a vanilla vodka & soda.

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22) Drinking style: Leo likes to drink & dance --
they're often fabulous dancers, & usually pretty good drinkers as well,
losing their commanding dignity & turning kittenish. Of course, they're
quite aware they're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They
generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing
self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue --
& perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to
break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder,
Cancer) & expect a sheepish (& hung over) Lion to make it up to you the
next day.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled
to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity
could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also
lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to
brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they
do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast
lurking within, & they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (&
surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going
to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to
the sub genius IQ!

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker,"
slurs Libra, "it's just that I'm so damned social." Libra loves nothing
more than to party, mingle & relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor
of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the
Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can
really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking
in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble
-- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening,
flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's
events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21) Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios
they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you & quietly but intentionally
keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite.
Scorpios like to drink, & screw you if you have a problem with that.
Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, & not as a
personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps
seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking
pals, brilliant conversationalists & dizzying flirts. They also remember
everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink
with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Drinking style: In vino veritas -- &, for
Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your
secrets & many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just
plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else
would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush
twins & Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in
the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else --
like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hi-jinks are
sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Drinking style: Capricorn is described as
practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they
get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign
of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the
true rock star: independent, powerful & seriously charismatic, not too
eager to please. If they make money being themselves, who are you to
quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or
totally off, & they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen
up & enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute
groupie.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Drinking style: Aquarius & drinking don't go
together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate
tendency toward know-it-allism, & if they get an idea while sizzled,
they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a
party or organizing an outing, however, they are too preoccupied with
their duties to get combative & make perfectly charming drunks in that
case. Fortunately, they 're usually capital drink-nursers. They also
make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start
raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people & capable of
holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've
probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive
personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli & Kurt Cobain. Not only do
Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that
only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who
needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously
enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right
Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas & wind up in
bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read
two ways you know.

ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19) Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to
party & sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive
streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy,
fun drunks, & they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting
Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them,
should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but
they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not
forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you --
so long as you haven't gone & done anything really horrible to them last
night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a
leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk.
Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of
bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets &
tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining & dining (or
Bud & buddies) to body shots & barfing is quite fortunate for the rest
of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler --
god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth
soup, some would say) & is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar
when intoxicated.

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have to confess that although I sent the alcoholic horoscopes, I question the accuracy. I'm a Leo and it says I'm a fabulous dancer. Hah!!! As far as usually being seen dancing, don't count on it, no matter how much alcohol you may get in me. The rest, however, is true. norby

Sandra Ruttan said...

I'm sure that when you're drunk you think you're a fabulous dancer. ;)

Anonymous said...

No, even then I know I suck. I do however find myself even wittier and more profound. Aren't my friends lucky? norby

JT Ellison said...

I be a Taurean drinker, absolutely. Drunk is kind of the same as my anger, if I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it thoroughly, completely and utterly, then it's over and no one knows what hit them.

JT Ellison said...

Happy Thanksgiving, by the by. Hope the day is enjoyable and you take a break from work.

Bill Cameron said...

Scorpio kinda doesn't fit me. I do enjoy a good beer, so that part is on. Drink for flavor. But beyond that, not so much.

So there!

(I think.)

Happy Thanksgiving! To quote my all-time favorite Thanksgiving message from the inimitable Steve Martin, "I am thankful small children don't burst into flames when we say the number 4."

Sandra Ruttan said...

Thanks for the warning on that JT!

Bill, do small men burst into flames when we say the number four?

Enquiring minds and all that.

Eileen said...

Love the horoscopes- I am an addictive personality. It's not my fault. Happy Thanksgiving.

Lisa Hunter said...

Happy turkey day.

If you can receive but not send email, set up a quickie Gmail or Hotmail account for sending. That's what I use when I have the same problem (usually when I'm travelling).

Cheers!

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah-Happy Turkey Day. Thanksgiving on a Monday, weird. When do you do your Christmas shopping? norby

Sandra Ruttan said...

Eileen, I'm an addictive personality as well!

Lisa, my problem is record keeping. I rely on my 'sends' to keep track of business. And logging online to do that drives me mad because then I don't have a record, unless I print them or cc them all all, but I don't have the email addresses in those accounts, and some people don't know the address so they delete them anyway...

Grrr.

Norby, Christmas shopping has begun already! See, we don't procrastinate as much as y'all.

anne frasier said...

happy thanksgiving, sandra!

love the horoscope!

Anonymous said...

But the crazy mad sales Sandra-do the stores have the crazy mad sales? And do you have idiots who stand outside the stores at five fifteen in the morning to be the first ones in when the doors open at six? Mind you, If I hadn't been working and getting paid to be there, I would have been in bed. norby

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Sandra Ruttan said...

Thanks Anne! Was your horoscope right?

Norby, we have crazy sales. Boxing Day is BRUTAL! I don't go near a store on Dec. 26th. or 24th.

Aw. I've always wanted someone to tell me how to get pregnant. Damn spammers.

Bill Cameron said...

I wouldn't think the demand for pugilism supplies would be that high. But then maybe that's Canadia for you.

JamesO said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Sandra.

I have the problem that I was born on the cusp of Cancer and Leo, so I get to pick which one fits depending on my mood. Mixing the two together is quite accurate, I suppose, though I'm not sure about ferreting out the VIP parties - not around here anyway. I guess I did get to drunkenly crash your interview with the great and the good of UK crime fiction at Harrogate though and nobody knew I was drunk.

Oh, and I am a fabulous dancer. But kittenish?

Julia Buckley said...

Glad you're okay, Skittles!

My alcoholic h.scope is right on. I'm the boring Capricorn who will become successful while all of you are drunk. At least that's how I read it. :)

Bill Cameron said...

*hic* Whazzat, Julia?

Sandra Ruttan said...

James, you were drunk? I still don't believe you!

Julia, so that explains why you slept instead of going to Reacher Creature and didn't mind that I stayed out partying! You sneak!

David Terrenoire said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Sandra.

As for the horoscope thingies, they've got me pegged (Pisces) although I'm a bit disturbed to find out I share this sign with Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain.

jason evans said...

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I love the Capricorn horoscope! We winter babies always get the shaft, but at least we sound pretty cool as drinkers. :D

Sandra Ruttan said...

David, I'm learning so much about people from their alcoholic horoscopes!

Jason, my sister is a Capricorn too. She doesn't drink much, though. Has a life-threatening allergy to... I guess for lack of a better way to explain it, fermented beverages. Almost died after eating a piece of steak marinated in wine.

Bill Cameron said...

I'm still wondering how I got away with "Canadia."

Sandra Ruttan said...

You're drunk, aren't you? Or below average intelligence.

Wait, maybe I shouldn't say that until after I get that email from you...

Bill Cameron said...

Verily shall I pugilize thee, but only upon the proper Day of Canadia Boxing!

James Goodman said...

lol, I'm a Sag... I wonder if that's why I used to be invited to so many parties. :D

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Hmmm...before JC I did fit that bill...but I'm not telling which one! LOL!

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Patrick Shawn Bagley said...

Hey, I'm a sagittarius and I've never gotten hammered and then groped any...oh, wait. Never mind.

DesLily said...

Hope you had a Happy Bird-day!!! Nothing i love more then turkey and stuffing!

Bill, the Wildcat said...

hahaha! I have to say the aquarius one describes me pretty much right on the mark. Probably why I never got sauced this past weekend despite all the alcohol I did drink and had a blast with all the others who did!

Really cool.