Saturday, May 27, 2006

The Voting Booth Is Open

First, writers might want to check out James Lincoln Warren’s post yesterday about characters. He’s written a few Writer’s Cookbook articles on his blog lately and they’re full of good points.

Now, don’t forget! Read the post below and vote for the best definition.
Voting closes Monday afternoon.

Because we haven’t laughed enough lately

Q: Did you hear about the guy who had his left side bitten off by a shark?

A: He was all right.

Q: What did the ballerina wear after half her body was eaten by a shark?

Q: A one-one.

A bill collector
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.
"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly,
"Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

The gentleman
A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady tricked out in a modest but very becoming cocktail dress.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Rules of Housekeeping

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

Great Female Comebacks
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and me hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Never Argued
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the counselor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

A sense of Humor
"Women claim that what they look for in a man in a sense of humor, but I don't believe it. Who do you want removing your bra...George Clooney or the Three Stooges?"

Please send all groans and complaints for these jokes to Forrest.

The movie of your life should be an erotic thriller

Erotic Thriller

You've made your own rules in life - and sometimes that catches up with you.

Winding a web of deceit comes naturally, and no one really knows the true you.

Your best movie matches: Swimming Pool, Unfaithful, The Crush

Why is the movie always so much better than reality?

Now, don’t forget! Read the post below and vote for the best definition. Voting closes Monday afternoon.


JT Ellison said...

Go figure, my life would be a cult classic. I want to go back to that site and see what kind of donut I'd be... Mmmmm, sweet and tasty. Homer Simpson simply does not translate in print.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

I voted yesterday!

Those jokes are great. Can I borrow?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Absolutely Bonnie - borrow away!

JT, a cult classic? Okay, where's Brett when you need him? I wonder if I'm the lone erotic one.

JT Ellison said...

I bet JB is too. You know how you have to watch out for the quiet ones!

Elizabeth said...

Sandra, I stopped by because it seems like every single blog I commented on today, had a comment by you, too! And I'm so glad I did, because your blog is a riot!

See you in the blogosphere!

James Lincoln Warren said...

I also came out as a Cult Classic.

And I don't even wear eye makeup.

Sandra Ruttan said...

LOL guys! Elizabeth, welcome! Nice to see you - I have noticed you in the blogosphere.

James, I'm sure somebody can help you out with the eye make-up.

Brett Battles said...

Sorry, been out and about today (including seeing X Men!)

And you're out of luck, Sandra...I'm Cult Classic. Yeah, baby! Cult Classic!

Brett Battles said...

But on the "Are you Hot?" test, I got "You Are More Mild Than Wild."

Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn't advertise that.

Sue said...

I ended up with... "The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times.
Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness!"

Sometimes these quizzes can be eerily accurate.

BTW... great link. I've now added James Lincoln Warren's blog to those I'll check during my writing breaks each day.

James Lincoln Warren said...

Thank you for becoming a reader, Sue, but I should mention that most of my comments are intended less for published writers than for neophytes who feel a need to polish up their craft and might not know exactly where or how to start. Opinions expressed thereon are tailored to my own tastes and practises and are not necessarily useful to those with different sensibilities.

Comments are always welcome, and please feel free to disagree with pontifications. I have a pretty thick skin and I only delete spammers.

Lisa Hunter said...

"Why is the movie always so much better than reality?"

I just watched Annie Hall for the zillionth time last night, and Woody Allen answers this question. He says we're always trying to make things work out perfectly in art because it's really hard to do in real life.

For The Trees said...

I'm afraid to look at what movie my life would be. I don't know WHAT type of flick The Rocky Horror Picture Show is.

For The Trees said...

And James Lincoln Warren **IS** a Character. Him and his cookbook: he's got too much Thyme on his hands, for an old Sage. And he does sentences Parse-ly. Wonder if his wife's Rosemary? or Marjoram? Bet he goes to the movies to see Basil Rathbone.

James Lincoln Warren said...

It's Margaret, actually.