Wednesday, May 17, 2006

How I'll Get 10 Million Hits On My Website & A Movie Deal

I could understand a guy making a bet with his girlfriend to have a threesome. I mean, not saying I’m into that, but I can understand.

But a 25-year-old guy needs 5 million blog hits on his site in order for his platonic friend to relieve him of the weighty burden that is his virginity?

Okay, seriously, it’s time to ask what the fuck is wrong with people.

And clearly, fucking isn’t part of the problem. A distinct lack of fucking seems to be the issue.

Now, if David wasn’t currently caught in a space-time continuum, trying to figure out what day it is, we might be able to turn this into a poignant discussion about losing our virginity. But I decided not to take a survey.

Tempting though it was.

Frankly, I think this whole web hit thing, in this case, is pathetic. Doubly sad that there’s allegedly network interest in making a movie about this guy who can’t have sex for the first time without help. And since the guy is Canadian, perhaps it explains my usual preference for British men. I mean, without thinking, the youth of Scotland are able to solicit prostitutes and even acquire an STD in the process.* There’s something pretty sad about a guy who can’t just go out there and hit on a woman in a bar like a normal red-blooded male.

Remember the good old days, when parents worried about their kids screwing around, getting someone pregnant? Now it seems like the parents have to worry that their kids won’t get any, so they’ll have to ask the world to help by going to their website. Can you imagine his parents in the interview with Jerry Springer? “We’re so proud.” Yeah, right. This guy can’t even find a sheep?

The public interest does fascinate me, from a marketing perspective. Surely, if I was JA Konrath I’d be thinking about this from a publicity angle. Maybe I should have my characters be virgins, and set an insanely high web page hit count to compel me to finally put them in bed.

You know, that actually might generate a lot of buzz. I mean, if some guy is desperate enough to tell the whole world he’s 25, hasn’t had sex and wants to (which is quite different from being 25, a virgin and proud of it) then why not tell the world my characters are virgins and ask them to help relieve them of their misery?

Oh, wait, except then I’d actually have to write it.

And I mean, if you had no shame, you could do a scale. You know 10 million hits it’s doggy style, at 15 million it’s the Rusty Trombone...

Maybe I should consider auctioning off the opportunity to have sex with Fucked Again’s Micky character in some future work. People pay all the time to be characters in books, maybe there’d be some real demand for that? I mean, some people pay to be murderers and some pay to be murdered and some paid to be fictionally laid.

I blame reality TV. It all started with that damn show, Survivor. People wanting to live in the spotlight, 24-7. And have you heard? The fat naked guy from the first Survivor is going to jail.

Welcome to a new kind of reality, Richard Hatch. Bet I can think of a few people who’re smirking now.

*And do read without thinking – it’s the funniest thing you’ll read all day, if you haven’t read it before.

$10,000 dollars

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts?!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

Thanks for the joke, Forrest.


Vincent said...

The thing that makes me uncomfortable about the sex-for-hits business is the fact that the deal is for his platonic friend, 'Jen', to do the deed. Yeah, drunken bet maybe, but... it doesn't seem right to me. Going with a prostitute, fine, that's their job, but doing it with a friend who's effectively just doing you a favour? Icky. I can see why Hollywood thinks it'll make a suitably dramatic film.

Brett Battles said...

Sandra, you might be on to something with that auctioning off the chance to have sex with one of your characters thing.

That could bring in the big bucks.

But as far as this guy goes, I'm with Vincent...Icky...

Trace said...

I know at guy who was 32 before he got laid. Then he married that girl, and she's HORRIBLE! She treats him like crap! She pretty much always has. Amazing the power that sex has.

I love the kitty pics!

sue said...

The "25-year old guy" link says: The requested document could not be found.

But just from what you wrote my first reaction was Ewwwwwww.

And I'll bet that was his platonic friend's reaction, too. I mean when one is single, presumably male friends remain platonic friends because neither person feels any chemistry or attraction for the other. Having sex with someone you're not attracted to... again... ewwwwww.

Maybe she got tired of hearing him complain about his virginal state and to shut him up told him that if he got 5 million hits on blog, she's have sex with him. Perhaps she thought 5 million was a sufficiently large enough number that she'd never have to worry about him collecting on the deal.

Anyway, after the ewwwwww factor... you provided something with an awwwwww factor. Those kittens are cute!

JT Ellison said...

Ummmmm...... What's a Rusty Trombone???
Lord, those kittens are growing. So cute!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Sue, thanks for the heads up about the link - I subbed in a new one. Burns me when they move things around, but it actually looks like they pulled the original story for the new one, where an ex is claiming he isn't a virgin.


JT, you don't want to know. Believe me, David shattered my innocence and I'm not sure I'll ever be the same.

Vincent and Brett, yeah, icky!

Trace, I actually know someone, pretty similar circumstances. Sorry, but the most vulnerable man is a virgin. Some evil bitch breaks him in and then threatens to cut off his sex supply if she doesn't get a ring... idiots don't even stop to think.

And those kittens will soon be into everything! They're so cute!

David Terrenoire said...

Lose my virginity? Hell, I didn't lose it, I gave it away. Happily. Gleefully. Not very competently, but still. I was so happy to shed my virginity that I walked around with a smile on my face for months. And if you're curious, I was 17.

Then I lived through the 70's, and spent half the decade with my pants off.

So I hear about some loser willing to climb onto his more-than-patient friend, an act that can only be followed by tears and apologies, and I automatically assume he's a Republican. I mean, who else would be so eager to fuck their friends?

And Rusty Trombone is my new pen name.


David Terrenoire said...

Or, in keeping with the subtly implied thread of this post, I should say:


How I love the pussies.

What? WHAT?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Oh, and I thought the pussy theme was so subtle nobody would get it.

Or maybe it's just that only you were willing to say!

Maybe I should do some fictional sex prize related to people guessing how old I was...


Vincent said...

I since tracked down the actual site in question after mentioning it at work. It's:

BUT, all the site shows now is a disclaimer saying that it was an exercise in 'viral marketing' that 'got out of hand'.

David Terrenoire said...

OK, one joke in the same tone as the one up there and then I have to go back to work:

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to this beautiful woman and takes out a frog. He sets the frong on the bar. He orders a drink.

The woman, curious, says, "What's with the frog?"

The guy says, "I'd rather not talk about it."

"Oh," she says. "Is there something wrong with the frog?"

The man sips his drink and says, "Other than he's magic, no."

She laughs. "A magic frog? What does he do?"

"I can't say. Nobody believes me."

"Oh, come on," the woman says, "I'll believe you."

The guys says, "This frog is a master of cunnilingus."

"Oh, I don't believe it."

"See? I told you."

The minutes tick by, finally she says, "Prove it."

The man sighs. "I have a hotel room."

"Perfect," she says and off they go.

In the room, she takes off her clothes and lies on the bed, her knees in the air. The man put the frog between her thighs and says, "Go ahead."

The frog does nothing.

"Go ahead," the man says. "Do your thing little froggy."

The frog still does nothing.

Finally the man says to the frog, "OK, I'll show you one more time."

S. W. Vaughn said...

Just wanted to go on record here and say that I've always hated Survivor, and "reality television" in general.

Since when is television reality? Reality is what goes on in the rest of the world while you're watching stupid tripe like Survivor.

Your kitties are delectably adorable, Sandra. :-)

Sandra Ruttan said...

Yeah, I don't watch any reality tv. Oh, I watched the first Survivor. But what's it been now, 27? Who knows and who cares, that's what I say.

David, lovely joke. Glad you mooched work time to share!

JamesO said...

Stuart's looking a bit tubby, isn't he.

Sandra Ruttan said...

I don't know James - you've seen him more recently than I.

Andrea at Lochthyme said...

Well I'll fess up to having watched some of the Survivors and I usually tune in a the end of them now just to see how nasty and whiny they can get but I must say this reality tv thing has gotten out of hand. Has anyone seen the Bachelor? Can we say GAG! And let's not even talk about The Surreal Life. Those people need to get a life.

Sandra the kitties are cuties! My daughters love them. :)

For The Trees said...

Now I'm REALLY bummed out. Your kitties are better looking, better behaved, far more photogenic and even sexier than MY kitten. Damn.

And David's joke was every bit as good as mine! Laughed a bit, in spite on my angst. (see blog)

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Yikes...Jt believe Sandra...YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

The two jokes were cute....won't be stealing either...LOL!

The kittens are getting to me...I want one, or two...or oh, crap...see what I mean!

Boy Kim said...

Sheep have standards too.

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

I thought there was already a movie out called "The 40 Year Old Virgin"?

And why do people 'lose' their virginity? The only things I've lost in my life are money, socks, and sleep.

Amra Pajalic said...

There was something on tv recently about people selling their friendship on ebay. People would bid to engage in a friend like activity, and this was for real, no sex involved. Fucking pathetic.

I'm avoiding the whole reality TV thing. I know it's bad, it's contrived, it's stupid, but if I start watching it I'm hooked. And I don't mean just watching the show, I watch every single minute of television associated with the show.

The putty cats are tre cute.

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