Monday, March 13, 2006

Of Dogs, Cats, and Human Stupidity

FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!

9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!

10:30 a.m Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!

11:30 a.m Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!

1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!

4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!

5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6:30a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!

8:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY
Day 183 of My Captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.


I’m convinced we have the strangest cats alive.

I’ve had plenty of pets in my life, and about 10 cats over the years. Currently, we’re a three dog, three cat household.

No plans for three kids, thank you very much.

Our cats are all unique, all bizarre. Rascal and Buttons were from the same litter. I remember when we used to worry about little Raz not getting enough to eat because he was so docile and Buttons so bossy, especially at dinnertime.

Clearly, we were borrowing trouble.

Then we added Skittles to the mix, and he’s been a character since day 1.

And the worst thing is, he’s popular. Um-hum, yep. Popular.

How do I know this?

He has a better social life than I do.

Skittles was invited to join a forum on Catster. That’s right, an email comes to my inbox, addressed to the taffy-eyed prankster of our house, asking him if he’d like to join a special forum club.

For cats named after food.

Which leaves me to wonder what they’ll think of next. Will it be phone calls for playdates with neighbourhood cats that don’t have siblings and need help being socialized before school?

PJ O’Rourke, Modern Manners, 1983:
Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have.
Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal and lazy.
It’s easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America’s favourite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs.

Cats cannot be made to do anything useful.
Other than, of course, jumping off Christmas trees and on to someone's head, which provided much entertainment in a "no, we're not laughing at you, we're laughing near you" kind of way.


What do you guys think the choice of pet says about the owner?

Right now, I'm thinking with 6 pets we're clearly outnumbered, and insane.

Especially when the cat forces its way between my legs when I'm sleeping and instead of booting the cat, I carefully extricate an appendage and shift into a really uncomfortable position so the cat can have the spot it wants and not be disturbed.

I mean, they sleep 18 hours a day, and I'm lucky to get 7. Am I mad?

24 comments:

Bernita said...

Well, it amuses me when pet owners take a righteous stance about pet choices, ie. cat people making snide comments about dogs and their owners while trumpeting the virtues of cats and vice versa for dog owners - cats are sly, devious, etc.
Becomes an ego extension for some.
Choices have a lot to do with allergies, economics, children and living spaces.
Other than that, a pet usually means people love animals.
When we were forced to do without one for a period, I grieved.
Amputated.
The worst memories that visit me in the night have to do with sad things about pets.

Savannah Jordan said...

I absolutely LOVE cats. I appreciate their 'take a message and get back to you later' attitude, their innate sense of ruthless regality...

Cute, pics, btw!!

Boy Kim said...

Yes.

And... ummm... no.

JamesO said...

Of course you're assuming all cats are alike here, which is a mistake.

Maine Coon Cats, for instance, are not really cats at all. They're more like dogs with fluffy coats and retractable claws. They'll sit for hours in the rain, wondering why they're getting wet; they particularly like to get themselves filthy (the lambing sheds are a good place for this at the moment, but when it's not lambing season then the midden will do), then come inside and shake it all over the kitchen; they are not in the least bit graceful or coordinated. In short they are the antithesis of cat, only cat-shaped.

Then you have terriers, and in particular, Patterdale Terriers, who may at first glance appear to be simple-minded, easy to please idiots, but who are in fact plotting to take over the world!

Stuart MacBride said...

Gotta take issue with that one James, Grendel is the perfect lady, and hates the rain.

And yea, Sandra, we do the legs in bed thing too.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Stuart, if Grendel is the perfect lady, what's she doing trying to get between your legs?

Ah Bernita, practical. And James is, as always, technical.

Savannah, I agree. And you know, our cats all have very different personalities, but whenever we're in the same room, all the cats come there because they like to be around us. Which is very unusual for cats, according to some, but ours are very sociable. Buttons is the most anti-social, and I think it's just because she has to put up with the other two. I'm sure if I lived with two men I'd be the same.

Trace said...

Oh my God, Sandra. I just laughed my ASS off at that joke you posted there about the dog and cat. Oh man. That was awesome!

Christa M. Miller said...

My husband and I decided, once our son started walking, that there wasn't really much difference between having a child and having a dog (which we had to give up after he tried to eat said son).

- They both race around the house in circles like madmen.
- They both love the Chase Game, especially when defying our instructions.
- You can't stay mad at either one of them because they're just so darn cute.
- They have both had "accidents" of the #1 and #2 variety.
- Both picky eaters.
- Both get into things they shouldn't. Dog: casserole mistakenly left on counter. Son: everything.
- They both test our limits, seeking to take over the house as lord and master.
- They both bite when angry.
- They both jump on fluffy covers like it's prey. (This is the weirdest thing when Son does it.)
- Son barks almost as well as a puppy.

And this clinched it:

Especially when the cat forces its way between my legs when I'm sleeping and instead of booting the cat, I carefully extricate an appendage and shift into a really uncomfortable position so the cat can have the spot it wants and not be disturbed.

We didn't let the dog on the bed, but the boy has spent 2/3 of his short life in our bed, and this is exactly what happens to us.

And the husband says we should get a puppy... HA!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Oh, but puppies are sooooo cute.

Christa M. Miller said...

Well, sure they are. But I'm not doing housetraining AND potty training at the same time. I'd end up training the kid to go outside and the dog to pee in the toilet. ;)

Sandra Ruttan said...

That could get you on America's Funniest Home Videos!

Erik Ivan James said...

We took in a stray dog about three weeks ago (Corgi). The Vet estimates it at about 1-2 yrs. old.

I'm now relegated to number four in the household.

#1 = wife
#2 = old husky
#3 = young corgi
#4 = me

It amazes me how little space I need to fall asleep.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Erik, you're a gem for taking this stray in. A real gem.

You know two of my three dogs are huskies? Love huskies.

Christa M. Miller said...

It could get me on AFV, sure. But it's much more likely to get me committed! :)

Our dog was a husky/collie/Shepherd mix. He had the husky coat with a collie nose and GSD markings (other than his white belly). He's really a beautiful animal (my IL's have him now), he's just psychotic. In fact, we joke that his blue eye is possessed and takes over his "brown eye" side.

I miss him terribly, but having him around was just too big a risk. :(

jason evans said...

The journals were hilarious!!

I have mutuants from illegal cat/dog inter-breeding. It's called a Whippet, but don't let it dog (or is it grey alien?) exterior fool you. They are, simply put, inherently evil.

Christa M. Miller said...

Shame on you for stealing the "grey alien" description, Jason! I'm going to tell Mary Louisa on you! :D

And I thought the result of illegal cat/dog interbreeding was the Chihuahua? Or, worse, the toy Pomeranian - the result of pedophile dogs breeding with kittens?

Daniel Hatadi said...

I'm a big softy when it comes to my cats. It looks like you have a Russian blue (or two) too, Sandra. Take a squiz at my cats.

Sandra Ruttan said...

LOL, those interbreeding descriptions, guys. Some animal rights group will probably censure my blog now!

Daniel, adorable. Absolutely adorable. Cats are so expressive.

Stephen Blackmoore said...

Three dogs? Dear god, how do you do it? We've got two, a lab and a lab/Irish wolfhound. I love 'em, and they're sweet and wonderful, but one of these days I may resort to pouring cement over the backyard with them in it.

We give them chew toys made out of kevlar and ballistic cloth and they go through them like they're butter. The backyard looks like World War I. There'd be fewer holes if we just had gophers.

Sandra Ruttan said...

We have a huge yard - our lots total 100x130 feet, so the dogs only get a portion of it.

But yeah, concrete is tempting...

Boy Kim said...

We have a mouse.

We had six. But five died.

I miss them.

The main lesson to be learned from this is that I'm good at sums.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Boy Kim, we already know about your capabilities with figures.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

I have dogs and cats also! Love the jokes...that's just about how my older cat acts!!

You'll enjoy this site: Stuff On My Cat

On their right sidebar, it lists all the catagories of pictures!

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

I used to LOVE kittens, but then I developed a severe allergy to cats. Poor me. I miss the cute little things.