Friday, August 18, 2006

I Guess It Won’t Be Hard To Find Me After All

10:30am Friday September 29 I won’t be able to hide. I’ll be on a panel at Bouchercon, a panel being chaired by John Rickards! Yes, he's coming to Bouchercon! I’m guessing that obscene t-shirts and horsefucking likely won’t go over well with the B’con people, so once we’ve figured out what we’re talking about, I’ll tell you more.

Seriously, it looks like a good group and like John has some pretty good ideas already. Hopefully, he won’t take revenge on me for writing poetry laced with sexual inferences about him and Stuart MacBride months ago.

If you’re in the mood for some righteous indignation, check out Jeff Shelby’s You, My Friend, Are A Huge Jackass. This is simply one of the best blog posts…ever.

Some People Are Just Sick and why the hell haven’t they released the name?

Don't forget to check out the book meme below. Oh, and, in case this post is still here twice, it has been deleted. When I click on the editing button, it says it doesn't exist.

From my friend Linda

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Also, remember everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. If you shop anywhere but Wal-Mart, you are just showing off! And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.


GURNEY TALK from Forrest.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says," A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

25 comments:

S. W. Vaughn said...

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

I have just gotten up off the floor after reading this. Finally, the solution to my dilemma!

Oooh, Sandra Ruttan, panelist! Has a great ring to it. Have a blast!

And now I'm off to read the blog post with the most compelling title I have ever seen: You, My Friend, Are A Huge Jackass.

Snigger.

Anonymous said...

I've worked animal rescue, so the fact that someone would do that to kittens isn't what amazes me. What I find my self wondering is why was he taking his clothes off?

Norby

Sandra Ruttan said...

SW, if you thought you were on the floor laughing already, well, you'll laugh. But if you're like me, you'll also be angry, unfortunately.

Norby, anyone with any intelligence should know not to cook naked. Enough said.

Anonymous said...

Well, it's not just the cooking, what about the kitten claws? Those little guys can scratch like crazy. Talk about inviting damage.

norby

Julia Buckley said...

Sandra,
So excited to hear your Bouchercon panel. I'll be driving as fast as I can to get there on time!

angie said...

I love reading your blog, but it takes me about half an hour to read it with all the links! Rickards...yep. he's going to B'Con. Jackass...scurries over - yep, they were huge jackasses. Sick...well, yeah. Sounds like a seriously mentally ill "visitor" - or someone completely wacked out on drugs. Double ewww. But the best has got to be the circumcision joke. Maybe not as funny if you're a dude, but I thought it was hilarious!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Norby, you don't have to tell me! I'm wearing a rugby shirt just to protect my sensitive skin!

Julia, I hope you make it in time!

Angie, sorry. And here I thought I was being so brief today. Glad you liked the circumcision joke, though. I wonder if evilkev will find that one funny?

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

Sandra Ruttan, panelist, has a naughty ring to it.

*scratches head*

I think I've been hanging out with Canuck Bunion too long.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Hey, have you noticed no guys have commented today? Must all be doubled over after reading that joke.

Dana, if 'Sandra Ruttan, panelist' has a naughty ring to it, I shudder to think what you'll say when I announce I'm a poster child...

(Joking. May that day never come, unless it involves a lot of money.)

Gabriele C. said...

'...he won’t take revenge on me for writing poetry laced with sexual inferences about him and Stuart MacBride months ago.'

You mean, they didn't have a thing going on?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Um, well, Gabriele, see, I'm trying to extricate myself from revealing something I maybe shouldn't have, so I can't exactly do that and be honest now, can I?

:)

Trace said...

Congrats on being a panelist, Sandra! I wish I could be there! I've always wanted to go. Maybe next year.

Daniel Hatadi said...

Congratulations on your panellizing opportunity, Sandra. One day I hope to go to Bouchercon myself. Maybe if it's closer to home, or at least somewhere interesting.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Thanks Trace - yes, next year!

Daniel! Next year, it's in Alaska. Which is very interesting. No excuses! Australians are supposed to love to travel!

anne frasier said...

sandra, i know where i'll be friday morning!

daniel, are you saying madison, wisconsin, isn't interesting???? no, i know what you mean. i wouldn't travel halfway around the world to go to madison, although i predict beautiful fall weather and maybe even some red maples by then. madison is a beautiful town, but quietly exciting.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Anne, anywhere but that panel?! LOL - hope to see you there. And if the leaves are turning, then so much the better. I'm going to budget time for a long walk.

For The Trees said...

Ah, obscene t-shirts and horsefucking. Boy, Hydee, Sandra, you manage to trip the keyword button on all the search engines every time. You must have an evil mind, NOT kev!!

Thought I'd die laughing over the high blood pressure joke. Twas fabulous!

However, the circumcision joke was just too too funny!! Thanks for putting it up!

Now, all frivolity aside, let's get down to brass taxes: um, tacks: Since you're gonna be a panelist, will you come and panel my house, too? I could use a new look here...the sheetrock's looking a tad ratty, with all the holes in it. (I gotta stop slamming my fist through it.) I'm thinking of some light-colored maple stuff, it's on sale at Home Depot for $9.49 a sheet. I think I can afford that. Please, PLEASE come panel my house!!

Erik Ivan James said...

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

Priceless!

John Gooley said...

You're probably right about the obscene t-shirts but I think the horsefucking would go down a treat.

Elizabeth said...

Congratulations on your panel, what a kick! So sorry that I'll miss meeting you, though. My company called a mandatory two day retreat on the 28th & 29th. Have a few drinks with the gang for me!

ivan said...

Tee shirts with Catherine the Great on them ("Gee, Cathy, you make a swell date," said the horse)?

Horsef*cking?

Enought to make me turn over in my grave.

--Forrest Tucker.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Forrest, I was corrupted by evilkev!

Erik, bathtubs would work too.

John, well, we could always ask the B'Con people...

Elizabeth, shame you won't be there! I'm hoping for more sleep at B'Con than I managed at Harrogate.

Ivan, not quite the t-shirt I had in mind, LOL!

Daniel Hatadi said...

Sandra, Anne: I guess there's always Ed Gein, but no, the issue for me is that I have friends and family in NY and so I'd rather make a whole big thing out of it if I'm going to spend that much dosh.

And I'm not a typical Aussie. Much more of a homebody. How else could I be attracted to writing?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Then B'Con 2008 it is, Baltimore. See you there Daniel.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Congrats for being on the panel. Have fun....I have to steal those jokes....LOL...I haven't laughed that hard since me ans Mimi would up on the turnpike in the Phila mall....don't ask!