Obsessives Anonymous, etc.

Evilkev always says I have an addictive personality.

I say it works for him. Whatever I get hooked on, I tend to be very loyal to. Because I’m obsessive. But it makes me only slightly more likely to kill to keep the object of my obsession, and far less likely, in his case, to seek a divorce.

If he wants to get rid of me, he’s going to have to kill me.

Which is why I never leave my back exposed and have all these little nannycams wired through the house. Petty and vindictive, I am. If he succeeds in taking me down, he shouldn’t get to enjoy his accomplishment.

But I digress. I got thinking about this, reading a remark Mark Billingham made on his forum. “There's a thin line between a comforting ritual and mentallist behaviour!”

Boy, is that ever true. I can relate to that. I’m about to share all my dirty little secrets. Like when I eat peanut butter M&M’s, I eat them lightest to darkest. So all the yellows, then the greens, etc.

And when I eat dinner, I eat my least favourite thing first, followed by second least favourite and the best part of the meal I save for last.

Personal growth, for me, is learning to have some potatoes and gravy before I finish the carrots. Oooohhhh. I get an extra big slice of pie for dessert if I’m that adventurous.

The sad thing is, I’m being serious. How can someone as apparently adventurous as me – someone who’s traveled over four continents and been to deserts and mountains, snorkeled in the sea and ridden elephants in the jungle, be so fucking dull?

Well, in this case, it isn’t about being dull. It’s about being anal to the point of being almost mental.

Like my mess. I’m not a neat-freak. I lean more to the slob side of the equation. Frat boy’s dream, right? Nope. I only like my mess. I’m comfortable with the evolving state of clutter in my space.

Evilkev walks in and moves papers and I’m having a fit.

Because even if it looks messy, I have a sense of order in my head, a recollection of the last pile of junk I saw a certain note in. And it works for me, my chaotic mental filing system.

But those food rituals, what are they about? Nothing but idiotic obsessions. What difference does it make when you eat the red M&M’s? None whatsoever. Pssst, Sandra, newsflash. They all taste the same.

Now, Mark, on his forum, admitted to having certain rituals he indulges in. They have to do with performing stand-up and writing his books.

And in a moment of great shock for such an obsessive person, I realized I don’t have a writing ritual.

Which either means I’m not as obsessive as Evilkev always tells me, or this is the pièce de résistance that’s until now has been missing from my writing.

What routines do I have for writing?

Well, I’m a list person. I love my lists. I get a great sense of satisfaction crossing things off, because it gives me the artificial impression of accomplishment.

I hate being interrupted. Which isn’t limited to writing, but it definitely applies. Evilkev once walked in the room and started to say something and I wailed, “There are voices talking in my head and I have to hear what they’re saying.”

He backed away slowly, hands help up in mock surrender and said, “Okay, crazy person.”

But that’s about it. There are certain books I like to keep handy. Baby Names Around The World. Forensics For Dummies. Profile of a Criminal Mind.

I like to get up really early, work out, and start writing by 9 am. And then I’ll usually work until 9, 10, 11 pm.

So, I guess incidentally, I’m bitchy from lack of sleep and abstain from sex from lack of opportunity.

But none of those things are hard and fast rules. Just incidentals.

Talking through this has really helped me. I’m now certain at least one person* is more obsessive than I am.

Which just goes to show that normal is a status achieved by comparison. If there’s hope for me, there’s hope for everyone.

So now that we’ve established that, what rituals do you guys have? And Boy Kim, you damn well better email me about last night. Don’t make me hunt you down…


JOKE: And now, to someone who might have been too relaxed about some things.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $ 20, for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state: Over the next few minutes, he explained That his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

And a very serious note about politics.

When I started blogging, the one thing my husband made me promise to do was avoid discussing politics. He knew that my views, being strong on many things, would come off as rants and stir emotions. I’ve done political debate before, and it usually isn’t pretty.

Which is why I am always impressed to find a blog that handles political topics with sensitivity and wisdom and real intelligence. Barry Eisler’s blog is one such blog. If you are as interested in politics as I am, this is a blog you will want to visit, and it makes a very worthy addition to my list of links.

One of the reasons I have always been such a Rankin fan is that he hasn’t avoided political commentary in his writing – he is influenced by politics and world events. Barry Eisler is a name I have heard often, and my introduction to him via his blog has convinced me that he is an author I can respect, and his insights have just pushed his books to the top of my TBR list.

*Said in the nicest way possible. Because he’s both incredibly talented and very nice, which you’ll figure out if you read his forum and his books.