Sunday, April 30, 2006

Lazy Sunday

"What the hell do you think you're doing? You know, if I was that old I'd be in a hurry to get everywhere because I'd be afraid of dying en route. Stupid idiot! Oh, you little bitch. Get the fuck out of my way! Oh let me guess. Saskatchewan. I know you've never seen a hill or a curve before but really. See? See that? Should be allowed to pull 'im over, take his license away and beat on him..."

Survived another road trip with evilkev.

We've been doing the road trip thing for over 7 years now. This one wasn't a real road trip. Just a few hours north to Red Deer to meet up with FIL, or Papa Smurf, as Kevin calls him.

A few weeks ago we went to meet up with MIL, and there was a big fire. So, what happens this time?

Chicken truck takes the highway exit too fast and gives new meaning to the idea of drive-through dinner. Knocked the guard rail a good 20 feet off the side of the road deep into the ditch.

Blood and feathers. Yum.

I think we're bad for Red Deer, and I'm convinced that it's a sign we shouldn't go there again soon.

And what are all of you lovelies up to this weekend? I'm replanning my day, since I had the best of intentions. Yep, I was going to start the yard work, but the earth hasn't seen this much rain since the days of Noah.

To All My Online Friends:

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these roducts are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be  pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a  water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this as an e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your  head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.


M. G. Tarquini said...

How I'm spending my weekend:


Shit. This writing thing is hard work.

Re: Traveling with husband

I have stories - of grand mal seizures and cardiac arrests - you know, those situations... when the flight attendants get on the horn and ask:

Is there a doctor on board?
Then how about a priest?

Boy Kim said...

Damn, travlleing with evilkev sounds like a nice stress-free, relaxing experience.

For me, incompetent drivers make me break my "why use five words when fifty will do" rule... I usually just use the single-word approach to letting my feelings known (WANKER!! and TWAT!! (am I allowed to say that on here?) are favourites).

Of course, I'm a coward so if it came to confrontation I'd be gone like Mr Steinman's mouse-like flying mammal with forelimbs modified to form wings out of Satan's home. Fortunately, the stereo is always up loud enough for no-one to actually hear me. God help me if they can lip read well enough though.

As far as what I'm up to, spent a wonderful weekend with The Princesses and now I'm just moping in the corner all depressed-like cos they've gone back to their mother's.

As for the rest of the evening, I'm thinking of checking out the local munch on-line. Who knows, one day I might even pluck up the courage to actually go. Now, if someone would just tell me I had to...

Sandra Ruttan said...

Bet those are fun trips, Mindy.

Boy Kim, you? A coward?

One of the funniest things I ever saw was road rage in Japan...

Mary said...

Have spent my weekend reading Dying Light. Splendid.

Monday is a bank holiday, so I am kidding myself I will catch up on some housework!

Boy Kim said...

Oh yeah, tomorrow's a bank holiday. Thanks for reminding me Mary. I think I'll pretend I'm a bank worker so I can have the day off.

anne frasier said...

and christian rock blasting out of the stereo while all this anger and cussing is going on. tsk, tsk. that IS evil. ;)

cold, dark, and rainy here all weekend. ick.

Sandra Ruttan said...

LOL Anne! If we could have turned the music off it would have been a half-decent drive...

Gabriele C. said...

I like those driver comments. Reminds me of my father, and recently also of myself. Ostharz - so backward they haven't grasped the concept of traffic lights yet; Eichsfeld - you think God does the steering for you, eh?; guest from the Netherlands - yes, we do have mountains, too bad, but there's a parking lot half a mile ahead where you can stop and cry ... and change your undies.

And men wearing hats or caps are the worst drivers. Ever.

For The Trees said...

Sitting and suffering through absolutely exquisite sunny 70 degree gently wafting breezes, I took it out onto the front porch and put my feet up with a glass of iced tea, and just sat - enjoying the quiet. It's so nice to live in a quiet retired-only mobile home park. The biggest source of noise was the 82-year-old neighbor six houses down sweeping her driveway...a few leaves had fallen and she needed to pick them up.

Drivers around here (this whole county is a retirement haven) are generally of two types: the incredibly old, putting along on the way to get groceries or see the doctor, and the incredibly angry, driving in this little hamlet like they're still in the big cities they escaped from - zoom zoom slash dart finger! zoom cut-in zoom zoom gotta get there before the old lady does...DAMN LIGHT'S RED SHIT! Squeal...

Other'n all that, Happy May Day/Beltaine!!

For The Trees said...

I'm in trouble. Bad trouble. I just posted the above comment at almost 9 p.m. on a Sunday night and the time stamp says I put it up there at 6:58 AM. Wow, Sandra...neato time warp you got!!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Yeah, I'll explain the Sandra Time Zone later this week, likely.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

The list was great...I posted that one sometime last year...still good!

Trace said...

I love remembering how my mother flipped one guy off and screamed "Fuck you, Sir!" At least she called him 'Sir'. And she was about 70 at the time.

Stephen Blackmoore said...

So glad we can be of help, Sandra. If filling your email inbox with assorted crap and forwarded stories of pox and the efficacy of guano as a food preservative makes you feel safer and more secure then I've done my job.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Sniff, Stephen, this is how I know you care. That you send me all those warnings to make sure I'm not blown up when Jon pretends to be sending Crimespree magazines through UPS...