Thursday, December 01, 2005

Round One: Batter Up - yep, the truth can be revealed. The gingerbread man is getting offed next week.

Diary of J. Dough, Gingerbread Activist
It was a dark and stormy night. First there was the staccato rhythm of gunfire. I was on my way out, but that stopped me cold. After all, I don’t want any thugs mistaking my buttonholes for targets. The wind was howling and then, ta da, the lights flickered and went out.
Which is, of course, when I decided I wanted to read. So I lit some candles, found a baker’s mitt to snuggle up in, and started skimming the classified. That’s when I saw it.
How Ginger Snapped starring CSS. There she was, playing the part of Ginger, the chainsaw-wielding gingerbread cookie, grinning with an evil look in her eye.
I confronted her outside the theatre on opening night. She cackled like a witch when I reminded her that she used to be one of us, one of the few promoting acceptance of gingerbreads around the world. She told me not to remind her of her crummy past and rushed off inside.
I hadn’t realized until then that she’d gone super-Hollywood. She’d had cosmetic surgery. So now, instead of being a gingerbread playing the part of a psycho gingerbread, she was actually a gingerbread who’d had surgery to look like a person who was using make-up to dress up as a gingerbread. It was horrifying. Like Michael Jackson using make-up to play the part of Mandela** in a movie. Uh, my apologies to Mr. Mandela for even thinking that…
I was speechless, but only for a few moments. When I’d seen the advert I’d had a flash of inspiration as bright as the Hollywood lights. I was ready.
I went inside, took my seat and waited until she raised her weapon for the first time. Then I ran onstage, dodged the security team and waved my sign, complete with pictures of CSS before the surgery. She couldn’t deny she was really a gingerbread then and ran off-stage, her fake icing smudged from her tears.
For days the story made the papers. Her career was over, but do you think she saw the error of her ways? Nope – it wasn’t long before I found it, CSS's blog, where she ranted on and on about the fact that some gingerbreads were clearly half-baked, and tasteless. I knew she was talking about me! So I hacked into her website and posted messages of love and goodwill towards gingerbreads everywhere.
The battle went on for months. I heard she sought counseling at the Pillsbury Clinic and then moved to Canada. That’s when I decided that I needed to come north to make sure she wasn’t causing any more trouble.
I started off checking out her schedule, with general background on the people she was meeting with. It was then that I learned that she was involved with the most insidious group of gingerbread persecutors in the world, disguised as a writer’s group, of all things. She was spreading her poison amongst the members of Mystery Writers INK.
September 13, 2005 Met with the president of INK. I wanted to see how much damage CSS had already done. I spoke at length about the misrepresentation of gingerbreads in the media, how gingerbreads were becoming the stereotypical villains. She nodded and appeared to listen patiently.
For a while, things were quiet, but it was all a ruse. It wasn’t long before I heard about it on the news.
“AJ, president of Mystery Writers INK, has endured 40 sleepless nights writing a story she had a recent flash of inspiration for. Her novel, BURN G-MAN BURN*, exposes the truth about gingerbread culture, the violence and the story centers around an horrific murder…”
I went on-line. Yep, there it was, being hailed by critics as “an incendiary new novel” with a quote on the front from JC, CBC Homestretch, “The revelation of the killer is a complete surprise; all I can say is it’s just icing on the cake.”
And there it was, in bold caps, an invitation to learn more about other books being released by INK authors. A few looked alright, but there were two that caught my eye.
HOW THE COOKIE CRUMBLES Killer Gingerbread Recipes* by JB Fletcher
COOKIE MONSTERS* by Sandra Ruttan
And then I learned the webmaster was CSS! No wonder she was giving prominent advertising to the evil stories about gingerbreads!
For a while I paced the floor until my feet started to crumble. Then, it hit me. The perfect thing to do.
I started with a letter-writing campaign. Newspapers, rights groups, MP’s – you name it. That’s when I found out about the NAAGP – NORTH AMERICANS AGAINST GINGERBREAD PERSECUTION.
November 7, 2005 Joined forces with the NAAGP and began candlelight vigils and letter-writing campaigns. BURN G-MAN BURN fell off the bestseller list and into fires at book burnings, which helped keep us warm during those late-night protests. It got to the point where you couldn’t give a copy away.
November 15, 2005 We tackled the recipe book. “Promotes Cannibalism”, one prominent spokesperson said. Oprah went on the record, saying the book incited hatred towards gingerbreads. Her legions of unquestioning fans followed predictably, and started a Wal Mart boycott until they agreed to nix the lucrative book deal JB Fletcher had been offered. The scene got pretty ugly and I do feel a bit bad for kicking her in the foot – I heard she’s been vowing vengeance ever since over the loss of income and the cast she’s had to suffer with for the past few months, and she’s armed herself with a solid steel cane that only looks like its made of wood.
November 24, 2005 I went after the most insidious author of all: Sandra Ruttan, who wrote a book for children. Brainwashing and conditioning of the worst kind. I found out every school she was scheduled to speak in and campaigned to come in and promote my children’s book, CHOCOLATE CHIP SAVES THE DAY exactly one day before she was scheduled to come in. I spread love and goodwill amongst the children and was sure to donate free posters so that she’d see them when she came in. It made the news. The children booed. Parents proclaimed their disgust and the publisher quickly cancelled the second print-run they’d ordered.
November 30, 2005 The NAAGP has scheduled a special event tonight in celebration of our recent victories and success at stemming the tide of discrimination against gingerbreads. I’m getting an award for all my hard work. And my book has knocked Sandra Ruttan’s into oblivion by selling ten times as many copies in the first week of release. She’s been spouting off on any talk shows where people are bored enough to listen, and I know all four of them hate me. I think I’ll hack into the website to remind CSS that I beat her. Just for old time’s sake. There are also going to be some award ceremonies over the next few weeks, including the Governor-General’s award.

Now, here's my question. Who do you think has the best motive for killing J. Dough? I only left my name in, 'cos, well, it's me. But it could have been CSS. It could have been AJ. Or JB Fletcher... I haven't finished the plot yet, so I'm open to suggestions...

** I'm really sorry about using you as an example...
* All books are ficticious. As is the plot. As is the hit that's been taken out on the gingerbread protester.
How will J. Dough's story end? Laid out on a baker's sheet or taken down with a cookie platter? Tune in next weekend to find out more.

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