Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Okay, so it's not as original as yesterday's story...

...but it took less time to write. Proof that I either have way too much time on my hands, or that I'll look for any excuse to avoid housework.

T’was the night before Christmas, over in the UK
Little Miss was sleeping, Mrs. MacB was away
John’s naughty nurse costume elicited regressed fears
Rickards stomped off in a huff and burst into tears

Grendel was all nestled, snug in her bed
While visions of fat mice danced in her head
Thinking of John’s outfit, Stuart huddled in a corner
Repeating over and over, “The horror. The horror.”

From up in the attic there arose such a clatter
Stuart’s high-pitched scream made the glass he held shatter
John stopped his sulking and ran up the stairs
Snagged his skirt on the railing, the hem he did tear

The attic was once a haven for mice
But now it was just a horrendous sight
A humongous rat had completely demolished the roof
He was chewing on Rudolph, who was caught on his tooth

Santa reached in his sack and pulled out a Harry Potter wand
“You big evil rodent, I command you! Be gone!”
The rat swallowed and belched and then he started to laugh
“You stupid old fart, are you really that daft?”

“Harry Potter isn’t real and that toy’s just a stick”
He moved towards Santa, licking his lips
Santa started to cry and he begged for his life
He wanted to see elves again, and even his wife

Santa was slobbering, snot ran down his nose
John was freezing from a lack of proper clothes
He yelled down at Stuart and told him to motor,
To bring the whips and gas and the flame-thrower

Frightened fat Santa had already peed in his pants
When Stuart reached the roof and took the whip in his hands
He cracked the rat on the ass with one flick of his wrist
Winked at John and said, “I’ve had plenty of practice.”

John fired up the flame-thrower, he never hesitated
When it was all over the rat had been cremated
The sleigh and toys were saved and most of Santa's crew
Though the top of Stuart’s house reeked of reindeer poo

Instead of being grateful for being saved from the rat
Santa pulled out his paperwork and he cursed and he spat
“You’re harbouring rodents and I’m really pissed!
I’m putting you both on my naughty list!”

He got in his sleigh, though it wasn’t that easy
To move his legs ‘cos the urine was freezing
Santa drove away and left them on the attic floor
Once he was gone they heard the sound of the door

Stuart ran down the stairs trying to think of an excuse
How would he keep her from noticing the lack of a roof?
Mrs. MacB swore, “What the hell happened here?”
John was no fool, he ran and hid in fear

Stuart tried to smile sweetly as he said, “What the heck.
You may as well know I was going to build a sundeck.
It’s taken me months to come up with the plan
But I needed John here to give me a hand.”

Mrs. Mac B stared at him. “You must think
That I’ve had an outrageous amount to drink
Now tell me what happened and tell me the truth
Or I promise that I’ll beat it out of you!”

Stuart shuddered with horror. “No, not that! I confess.
Santa crash-landed his sleigh and a giant rat did the rest.
The rat, he was evil, he had sixteen toes
And he ate poor Rudolph, even his shiny red nose.”

He thought the hard part was convincing his wife
But ever since then folks have called him Mad MacBride
His life, it has never been quite the same
Because he tried to tell the truth on his insurance claim

And what became of our friend John the nurse?
It's a matter of opinion but it might have been worse
The insomnia lasted through a few all-nighter's
Then he sobered up and became a crime fiction writer

If there’s a moral in the story it should be perfectly clear
That the truth can sometimes be something to fear
So remember when you file a claim when the unbelievable happens
That people believe in giant rats but they don’t believe in Santa


Stuart MacBride said...

I'll sue!

And Rickards had on the rubber nun's outfit. It only looks like the naughty nurse one because it's needing a good clean.

I'm going to have to have a word with Evil Kev to get you something else to do with your time. Unwholesome fish that you are ;}#

Sandra Ruttan said...

The nun's outfit would work for the secret verse, the one where John says, "Bend over for your injection..."

I had a great rhyming word for that line too.

John R. said...

I feel like someone's been spying on my private life. There's a career as a papparazzi in there somewhere...


Bernita said...

Are you my husband's long lost sister? Or has he had a child I know nothing about?
Our tradition on Xmas eve was for me to read Luke and him to read "T'was the Night" - except he amended and abridged it in a similar fashion... "the politicians were hung by the chimney with care" and "and sticking his finger inside of his nose" etc. The kids loved it. Different every year.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Bernita, I may act like a child, but I'm not that young! Well, I'm not an old hag either!

I was inspired by recent remarks made on Stuart's blog. It's all his fault. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!

Sandra Ruttan said...

and I meant to say the nun's outfit wouldn't work for the secret verse... duh.

M. G. Tarquini said...

*peeks out from her corner**

Is this holiday over yet?

Sandra Ruttan said...

almost there m.g. - I promise!

and nothing so tawdry tomorrow, if I can pry myself away from the wrapping to finish it up!