Friday, December 30, 2005

Forget being sucked into a wood chipper...

Now this is inspiration! Where was this story a month ago when we were all prepping our heartwarming Christmas stories? Except me, who wrote them the day I posted them.

But I can see it now... a jolly ol' fat man tries to get into the house and he's got a big sack with him and out pops Rover snarling and clamping down on his leg. Or in this case, Taco, Enchilada and Burrito and the gang lure Santa into thinking that small is harmless, wait until he approaches the tree and bends over and 20 Chihuahuas jump up and bite him on the ass.

Maybe there should be a ban on owning Chihuahuas. Clearly they're a dangerous breed.

And if the injured officer was El Salvadorian, it might have been a race crime. You know, if it had been a group of street thugs, they would have looked into that. I think this reporter was slacking off. How can we stop these vicious attacks unless we understand what prompts them in the first place? Time to, uh, take a bite in the budget costs and call in the dog therapist.

I mean, Fargo did the wood chipper thing. But as anyone done a pack of killer Chihuahuas in a movie yet? I think I sense a short story coming on...


JamesO said...

I particularly like the last line of the report - 'Fremont is about 55 kilometres southwest of San Francisco.'

Quite apart from the fact that 55 kilometres south-west of San Francisco is the pacific ocean, what's it got to do with the rest of the story?

Also what a great name for a detective: Bill Veteran. Gnarled and craggy I think he'd be. Thought he'd seen it all until the day he pulled some punk over for a broken tail-light. Just a kid, escort him home, talk to his parents. Then...

The horror, the horror!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Yeah, it's a bizarre line. Why do I care where it is? If they'd established that only localized Chihuahuas were killer dogs then maybe it'd be relevant, but as it is it's one of those tacked-on lines that means nothing.

But death by small dog would likely be slow and painful. Like being eaten by rats. Just thinking about that makes my skin crawl!

M. G. Tarquini said...

Hehe. The story following also has me in stitches. Somebody who breaks into a home just to download porn while the person is sleeping right there. He altered her screen saver. What kind of perverted f** does that?

Cops must love writing up reports like that.

I'd write the story, but I'd have the intruder downloading altered pictures of Donny Osmond.