Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Spiritual Sex

Because a night that ends with cries of "Oh My God" is something even pastors want their church members to have.

I decided to address the obvious lack of sex in JJ’s life yesterday because I felt it wouldn’t be good to wait. Some things require our immediate attention.

Seems I’m not the only one who thinks that way. A Florida pastor has challenged couples to have sex every day for a month. (Please note: some conditions apply. Unmarried couples have not been issued this challenge.)

It seems the randy Reverend issued the challenge as part of a challenge to tackle high divorce rates.

I certainly hope our minister will be reading from Song of Solomon all this month. Personally, I don’t find the “hair like a flock of goats” line to be very inspiring, but there’s some improvement as chapter 4 continues:

“Your lips are like a scarlet thread,
And your mouth is lovely…

Your two breasts are like two fawns,
Twins of a gazelle,
Which feed among the lilies.”

Song of Solomon 4: 3a, 5

Now guys, before you start writing that love letter, comparing her ass to truck tires and her breasts to ice cream sundaes, I do suggest you drop by PJ Parrish’s blog for the annual round-up of bad sex award-winners. Because sometimes, you really can’t say it as tastefully as Hallmark and should just admit you should leave it to the professionals.

But for those of you who’re finding some heat in your cheeks over the 30-day challenge, I want the spiritually-minded to know there are fun things for them to try too. In fact (thanks Norby) NPR just reported on Christian sex toys yesterday. No real difference between them and non-Christian sex toys, except the holy water lubricant I guess.

I’m glad they live their lives openly in front of Jesus because when I was at Bible school we were told when you achieve orgasm it’s as though God were standing in the back of the room applauding.

Which I always thought made God sound a bit perverted. Either that, or it was a real good line that pastor used on his wife. Wonder how Declan Burke explains to his wife that he’s given everyone in crime fiction The Big O.

Just remember, the boyfriend/girlfriend videos are here and if you’re still feeling insecure in the wake of reading the gushing prose of SOS remember sometimes words aren’t necessary.

I seriously need to blog about something different soon, because even I think that everything that’s popping into my mind to say now is inappropriate for my blog.

And that e-mail I got this morning from you – yes, you know who you are… - can’t imagine why you didn’t put that in the comments. ;)


Anonymous said...

My ex liked the pomegranite thing from Song of Solomon.

My new Schmoopie likes the ice cream sundae comparison, though.

Then again, she's a NASCAR fan (which I'm not. Somehow, we will make this work.)

BTW, guys, Bruce Willis' classic "Zounds! What mounds!" is NOT considered romantic poetry.

Sandra Ruttan said...

"BTW, guys, Bruce Willis' classic "Zounds! What mounds!" is NOT considered romantic poetry."

Thanks EvilJ. Really, if all men can grasp that they'll be one step closer to relationship bliss.

norby said...

'...as though God were standing in the back of the room...'

I hate you.

John McFetridge said...

I passed a church the other day and the sign said, "Lying in bed shouting, oh god, oh god, is not the same as going to church."

Years ago I used to pass a church every day on my way to work and the messages on the sign went from generic stuff to pretty personal stuff. I kept wiating for it to start naming names. I used the church sign as a running gag when I used to write screenplays.

I like the sound of Christain sex toys. I used to wonder how sex became a sin and greed stopped being one....

Anonymous said...

Just had a good laugh reading the bad sex award nominee excerpts. Haven't read something that disturbing for a while.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Norby, sorry. One of the more disturbing things someone's ever said, I think.

John, don't you know anything enjoyable must be sinful? I think that's how it works.

Amra, I get a kick out of reading those. Always worth a laugh.

Patrick Shawn Bagley said...

"And that e-mail I got this morning from you – yes, you know who you are… - can’t imagine why you didn’t put that in the comments. ;)"

Some of the neighbors might have taken it personally.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Huh, I never said it was you...