Saturday, February 09, 2008

The Slow Goodbye

Even if you’ve come to the point where you know it’s what you want, where you know it’s for the best, divorce is like having someone slice and dice your heart into hundreds of pieces and you don’t even know how to begin putting it all back together.

And if the process of separation and divorce is dragged out it’s like someone put all those pieces through a juicer.

For as much as I’ve moved around in my adult life, having an anchor has been important to me. Essential, really. When I know change is coming down the line I’m unsettled, unfocused, anxious. It seems like a weird contradiction, because I am fairly adventurous, but I don’t like change and uncertainty.

Right now, half my life is in boxes. This house has been my home for four years, and the Calgary area has been my home for nine of the past eleven years. I’ve lived in Canyon Meadows, in Cedarbrae, in Braeside, in Mayland Heights, in… whatever you call that part of the NW where Northmount and 14th intersect.

For the past few months I’ve felt like everything was spinning out of control.

And I’ve been routinely reminded that it’s the people you think you’re closest to who hurt you the most. Perhaps because we love them so much they have that power over us.

I do feel as though I don’t want to blog much anymore. My emotions have been bubbling too close to the surface for too long, even for me. One thing this blog has always tried to be is an honest reflection of my thoughts and feelings and I don’t regret that. But last week, as I prepared to launch something new intended to profile authors and then felt someone twist the knife in my back I was left wondering why I’m doing any of this.

I’m finalizing things to move Spinetingler, and At Central Booking, to their new homes. The doors have been thrown wide open for me, and there’s a distinct possibility that I’ll be editing a print publication next year.

Which all sounds good, but I still want to fast forward, past all this stress, and just find myself five months down the road, in my new home, feeling like I finally have solid ground beneath me.

Of course, I’m not the only one coping with moving stress.

So if you’re looking for any version of a rational me, you might want to check back mid summer.



“Maybe soon there'll come a day
When no more tears will fall
If we each forgive a little bit
And we both look back on it
As just bad timing that's all”

21 comments:

Randy Johnson said...

Hang in there. Stability will return.

Anonymous said...

As busy as you are I am amazed you have time to breath much less be a little sad. Gotta say I find your productiveness in the face of all your personal woes quite inspiring.

I think you're a swell lady and I know all that chaos will settle down for you soon.

Nikki D.

Austin Carr said...

Proud to know you.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Thanks Randy. Even now, there are fleeting moments when things seem almost normal. I just can't wait to unpack.

Nikki, thanks. No sure about the lady part, though. ;)

AC, you rock. From your not-so-secret Canadian admirer.

Christa M. Miller said...

Yeah, I can relate to the adventurous-but-not-thrilled-about-instability feeling. I hope the next few months fly for you, and that you're back to feeling 100% normal before you know it. Take care.

PJ Parrish said...

Sandra,

I think every blogger gets to the point where they want to pack it in. I did. Took a rest and came back. Be good to yourself.

Sandra Ruttan said...

I'll aim for that Christa.

And I think a blogging break is a good thing, overall. I'm only planning to be here if I have something to say. Otherwise, it's back with nose to grindstone...

john dishon said...

This video is good for a laugh. A little Jimmy Stewart and Dean Martin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1dIr-4A1ic

pattinase (abbott) said...

May you find the peace and serenity you deserve.

John McFetridge said...

I lived for years in the Devonish Building at the corner of 17th Ave and 8th Street SW till the building went retail and we all got kicked out. Spent a couple years in the Woodlands, moved back to Montreal and got divorced. You're right, no matter how right it is the short term is painful.

But it passes, you move onto another stage in your life with new challenges. Mid-summer isn't even that far away, it's going to be good for you. Really good.

I'm looking forward to watching all your success, you deserve it.

RAC said...

Sandra,
Things are going your way now, and it's going to be a wonderful year for you! I hate moving, too, but sometimes it's the only way to get rid of the clutter and get to the next level. You'll come up smelling like a rose, I'm sure of it.
Best,
Richard

Grant McKenzie said...

Maybe I missed it, but what part of the country are you moving to Sandra?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Thanks to all - I've read all the comments, even the last few I haven't specifically replied to at this point...

Grant, I'm moving to the US.

Christa M. Miller said...

No way! Somehow I missed this too. Do you mind saying whereabouts?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Well, it isn't as though I stuck it on a billboard. ;)

Plan is, I'm moving to Maryland. I'm not going to be more specific online than that.

Christa M. Miller said...

Well, congrats - it's a beautiful state, and so close to so much. Best of luck!

Grant McKenzie said...

I don't know that part of the world - actually I don't know the east coast at all as I've spent all my time traveling up and down the west coast - but it sounds like it will be very convenient for this year's Boucheron ;-)
Best of luck to you, Sandra.

JamesO said...

Hey Sandra, it'll all sort itself out in time. And my stress is nothing compared with yours. I'm just going a half mile down the road.

That's if I ever get the damn place habitable...

And as for the blog thing, it's like any other writing. Force it too much and you'll come to hate it. No-one's going to blame you for taking some time off.

Daniel Hatadi said...

Damn, I never know what to say at moments like this. Maybe it's easier in person than on the internet.

But hang in there, this too shall pass, these kind of tough times open up into amazing new worlds.

But you already know all that.

James Goodman-Horror Writer said...

Egads!!! I used to live in Maryland. I was born in Delaware and still have droves of family that live up and down the east coast. I fly in to Baltimore for a visit at least every other year.

There's also a strong possibility that I'll be spending the last three months of the year working in Alexandria, Virginia (very close to Maryland).

Be sure to keep in touch (you have my email) and maybe we can get together for lunch or drinks or something...

Steven T. said...

Sorry to get to this so late, but as other have said - hang in there. The dross burns away.

Also, Maryland? I've been once. Saw Cal Ripken hit a homerun, so I guess my impressions, overall, are favorable...