Friday, December 01, 2006

Guttersnipe

Well, it’s official. Readers can pre-order Out of the Gutter - and shipping will be waived on all pre-orders, according to an interview on The Rap Sheet with Gutter guru MLB.

Now that the site’s official I can tell you I’m so excited having my name next to Swierczynski’s. It’s the closest I’ll ever be to Duane without Al getting in between us. ;)

Still on newsy updates, the other day the charming Chris Well posted part one of his interview with me. Today, Chris has posted part 2. If you feel so inclined to drop by and have a moment thank Chris for taking the time to do this interview. Some tricky questions, and the closest I’ve ever come to having a rant in an interview yet, I think. Who me?

And there’s a new post up at In For Questioning.

Since it is December 1, I feel it’s appropriate to post these holiday tips Norby sent me. First, I want to thank Norby. Something she sent the other day is probably going to be the catalyst of another full-scale rant in the days ahead.

I’m not sure yet if I’ll do a blitz of mad holiday stories again this year, but those of you who know Stuart and Rickards might enjoy clicking on that link for the flashback. My apologies – I don’t profess to be a poet.

One thing I do plan to do is pick some of my favourite posts from the past year. There’s the story about the Viagra cookies that I wrote ages ago, and I suspect there are a lot of new faces here who haven’t read that.

But first, I have another deadline. Ah, you know, right now I’m really looking forward to Monday!
Subject: Rules for holiday partying and eating - start preparing NOW!!!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have an amazing day!

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

"1. Avoid carrot sticks."

You're missing the whole point of carrot sticks, celery sticks, sliced peppers, etc. I love seeing them on the buffet. Know why? It means I can use them to gobble up huge amounts of dip and keep a straight face while lying to myself about eating healthy. It's like ordering two bacon cheesburgers, large fries and a diet soda. Not that I'd ever do that. I hate diet soda.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Yeah, that is the plus to carrot sticks. Um. Dip.

I could never order two bacon cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet soda either. I don't have room for two bacon cheeseburgers. And it depends where you are. Some places, the fries suck.

Anonymous said...

Okay, my only addition to the Christmas buffett is cheese ball. Gotta have a cheese ball. And plenty of crackers.

If the rant is going to be about what I think it is, I apologize in advance. Although I did think she was being suspiciously quiet about that email. norby

Sandra Ruttan said...

It took me a few days to recover from the shock, Norby!

Eileen said...

I worship your holiday tips.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

I, er, um....okay...LOL!

Daniel Hatadi said...

I'll definitely be ordering some of that Out Of The Gutter.

I'm just a sucker for anything with the word 'gutter' in it: even something like Caramel Bowling Gutter, a high concept action drama revolving around a group of old men and women with blood sugar problems.

Sandra Ruttan said...

LOL Daniel! Sounds like a medical drama!

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