Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Get Real

The people making tv commercials are ruining my life. Seriously. We’ve all seen them. Buy this fantastic Swiffer housecleaning product and you too will want to dance around the house dusting your heart out.

In fact, you’ll even dance and dust through the mansion your friend owns, until she tells you to stop cleaning.

Yeah, right. Like that would happen. If I had a friend over here dancing and dusting, I’d grab a book, sit down and make myself comfortable. Who wouldn’t?

Every time Kevin sees these commercials, he asks if buying me that product will produce the same results. And I have to say that after 7 years of marriage, he’s daft enough to think that? Please.

We were in the kitchen one evening, making dinner, and Buttons came in. She started chewing on something on the floor. Kevin said, “What’s she eating.”

I foolishly said, “I don’t know. It could be anything.”

I hate doing housework.**

Now, can we say duh? What was this guy smoking?

And I stole this from Bonnie’s blog, because it’s priceless. Thanks Bonnie!

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I
couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the
swelling', and I had to smile."

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...I just lost it."


** The rest of this post has been preempted while the writer mutters curses and whines as she attempts to clean up around here. Although she's discovered if she leaves a big mess, her husband usually cleans up when she's traveling. Which is very convenient and suits her just fine.


JamesO said...

Great joke, but... you can be arrested for smiling and laughing at someone in public?

And I can honestly say that the first thing I'd do if I won the lottery would be to employ a cleaner. Anyone who says they enjoy housework is a liar, and welcome at my place anytime.

Bill Cameron said...

Okay, so in Australia you can get arrested for laughing at someone?

Oh my.

And I suppose if you squinted real hard, and were really drunk, it could be a horse. The funniest thing about that wasn't that he thought it was a horse, but that he sounded so unconvinced when he said that his producer told him it was a horse. You know he was thinking, "A horse? Yeah, right."

M. G. Tarquini said...

I used to like housework, way back when I was a blushing bride and had my own place and starched curtains with lace trim. I liked my husband's shirts to have creases down the arms. I spent ages making sure the bed had no wrinkles. I fluffed pillows and used a toothbrush to get into corners in the bathrooms.

Stupid. Like there was a prize for having shiniest bathtub.

angie said...

Wish my hubby would clean when I'm not here. He's worse than I am because he genuinely doesn't notice when the house is completely out of control. Several years ago I went on a trip with a friend and asked him to wash the dishes I had left in the sink. When I came home a week later, I realized that we only had two forks, two spoons, a butter knife and a steak knife. I asked hem where the hell me silverware was & he confessed that he had left the it in the sink and it had gotten so gross he had decided it couldn't be cleaned. That's right. He threw out all of my silverware. He's better now. It wasn't a choice. So...lucky, lucky girl.

S. W. Vaughn said...

Like you, Sandra, I clean only when the spirit moves me (translation: when the pile of dishes in the sink prevents me from getting water to make coffee, or I can't shut the door to the closet any more).

Angie, your husband reminds me of mine. One morning when there were no bowls clean for cereal, he was actually ready to go to the store and buy some more. Truly a man who would rather mow a lawn the size of Texas than wash a single glass. :-)

Eileen said...

I loathe those cleaning commercials where the women have near orgasms over their ability to have completely sterile living environments. They smell their laundry like they washed it with crack. The smell of bleach should not, I repeat, should not make one sexually excited.

Stephen Blackmoore said...

"Although she's discovered if she leaves a big mess, her husband usually cleans up when she's traveling."

Now THAT is true love.

Flood said...

BUT! Have you seen the new thing that cleans the shower for you? Sprays it when you've finished? Betcha that works. (I'm a total sucker for this stuff. One time for Hanukkah, I got a new! improved! cleaning product every day. Hooray!)

Sandra Ruttan said...

James and Bill, I have no idea about that "arrest". Maybe it was a public harassment kind of thing? Who knows. We need Amra to explain!

And James, they're welcome at my house any time too.

Bill, it's like the art your child brings home. "That's great - what the hell is it?!"

Mindy, you'll get a prize for making my bathtub shiniest. And the floors and counters and shelves too. The prize of my eternal thanks as long as you can maintain it on a weekly basis. Hell, bi-weekly, I'm good.

Angie, oh boy! Don't leave the housework for your hubby!

SW, our sinks are twins!

Eileen, LMFFAO - that is the truth, isn't it?! OMG, you said it so well. Brilliant.

Stephen, it is, isn't it? First I get to go to Europe, all by myself. And I get to hang out in the bar with all the British guys I like. And not only does Kevin pay for it, but he cleans house as well. I'm living the good life.

Well Flood, if it says it'll clean it, then you can honestly spray it on and say you did clean the shower!

What I love is when Kevin gets these toys he thinks are so cool, and uses them once. Then he wants to know where his socket set is.

Wherever he left it after he used it last, two years ago.

JT Ellison said...

My only complaint is I come home from a trip and go to get something from the pantry or the fridge and it's empty. No peanut butter, but the jar's back on the shelf instead of the trash. I think he does it on purpose to mock me and my OCD.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Maybe it's strategic so you'll take him with you!

I'm off to do some shopping for the trip! Catch up in a bit!

Andrea at Lochthyme said...

Clean house? What's that? I hate cleaning..I do the least amount I can or a little more when I go insane looking at the mess. My husband and children are oblivious to the mess. I think if I threw their stuff away they might not even notice...well a little at a time anyway. :) I put things on the stairs to be brought upstairs and put away. And they sit on the stairs until I bring them upstairs and put them away. But I will say my husband does cook and clean the dishes...well he does want to eat you know. :)

Trace said...

Cleaning. *Sigh*

Sandra Ruttan said...

Andrea, LOL! If he wants to eat, why not just go for take-out?

Trace, I hear you!

Evil Kev said...

The ironic thing is "little miss messy" once complained when we visited a certain nameless person that they never cleaned their house and she could not understand how they can live like that.


Sandra Ruttan said...

Hey, just because I attach dusters to the cats doesn't mean I don't clean.

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

Er... actually, those Swiffer thingies DO work. I use them. I love them. I can't live without 'em. And I'd about went giddy when Costco started selling them in bulk. =)

Sandra Ruttan said...

Dana, the Swiffer things work, but they DO NOT make me want to boogie through my own house, or anyone else's, dusting and cleaning.

So, they're selling me not on quality product but on the joyous experience of cleaning house, and I haven't had that feeling yet.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

You're very welcome, my friend, I loved that one too!

As for the cleaning...who needs it, it's overrated anyhow...LOL!

Elizabeth said...

Oh dear. Did M.G. mention my background is advertising? But we only produced good commercials. Yup. The kind you laugh at because they are genuinely clever. Yessiree. Nope, we never swindled social security checks out of little ladies. Not us. Nosirree.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Yes, Bonnie, it is overrated!

Elizabeth, it must be true because your words have convinced me. You sound so sincere!

Bill, the Wildcat said...

I'm amazed you've figured out a way to make your husband clean! Heck, my wife is still trying to find a way to keep me from piling up dirty clothes in our bedroom.

Toni McGee Causey said...

A while back, when both boys were still here, the place was constantly a disaster zone... especially with two of the three suffering from ADD and never remembering where they put anything and the other one just didn't care. I looked up defense attorneys and saw how expensive they were for Murder One charges, and then looked up a housekeeper and discovered she was much much cheaper, and I explained this difference to my husband... who was thriled to have a person in one day a week. He would not have looked pretty impaled on all of the gadgets he leaves lying around.

Amra Pajalic said...

My husband is trained really well, except when it comes to the cuttlery. Refuses to do it. So we have a system, I do the cuttlery, he does the big dishes. Everyone's happy.

I've read this before and just googled it http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/busrider.asp. Unfortunately it's all false. But still it's a great joke.

Daniel Hatadi said...

So who added that bit about Australia? Sandra, Bonnie, or someone further up the Chinese-whispers chain?

I mean, yes we did have products from those companies, but they're American.

Court document @12659, grumble, grumble.

Erik Ivan James said...

Samdra, I'd be willing to wager that my wife dislikes housecleaning more than you do. But at least she also admits to it...then hands me the "swifter". I use it for target practice.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Bill, I'm good! Or lucky. What's your wife's email address again?

Toni, excellent strategy. Impaled by gadgets - I can relate to that! I finally cleaned Kevin's office for him. It was scary. I was nearly swallowed by a dustbunny.

Amra, what's the deal with cutlery? And a joke, but funny, yes.

Daniel, whiner.

Erik, target practice? You're bad!

Tanginika-Simone said...

Funny story about the pregnant lady. Now, about those commercials: I don't think anyone is happy cleaning. I clean eveveryday because I have a baby and two dogs and a cat, but sometimes I wonder how much less would I have to clean if it was just my husband and I in the house. I have seen the Molly Maids commercial in which they claim that the cleaning ladies are just thrilled to do your cleaning: I have never met happy cleaning ladies. I have met many nice and kind cleaning ladies, but they do not dance around my house with their mops and brooms while doing the cleaning.

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