Friday, February 24, 2006

The Friday Funnies

For John, because of his special use for cereal.

Not Cheerios

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
“You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he
wants for breakfast.

"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be

Yes, that’s right ladies and gentleman and others who frequent this place, it’s time for the Friday funnies.

Brevity. It’s the order of the day. Less me, more to laugh at.

Although some would say more of me is much more to laugh at.

And because I’m a glutton for punishment, especially your punishment, I’ve come up with a usable photo for now.

I’m going to make due for a couple months with this one. Bottom line is, yes, it would be nice to get the professional shot done, but at the pricetag…ouch. Not when I’ve just paid for Harrogate and am registering for BoucherCon and am saving up for my bar tab and, well, frankly, don’t need a headshot for my book yet.

And when I do, I’ll bit the bullet. And hope this wasn’t the early work of the make-up artist.

I must say, I'm disappointed in all of you.

I'm disappointed that, despite my error in not putting the footnote into yesterday's post, nobody took the opportunity to comment on me landing on my head potentially explaining a few things. Shame on you people! You're falling down on the job! Every exposed weakness is supposed to be an opportunity to slam someone. You just aren't cruel enough!

What will next week hold? Well, a mix of writerly and non-writerly topics, as per usual, and a big surprise. I can't tell you, or it would ruin the surprise and I'd have to kill you for spoiling it for everyone.

So don't make me tell you.

I'll likely be posting as usual this weekend, but I hope all of you are doing something far more fun and exciting and that you have a safe, happy time, whatever you're doing.

And on that note, I bring you True Doctor Stories - for M.G.

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her

Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's
anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.

"Yes, they used to be,"
remorsefully replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer
of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later,

I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical,
including the visual acuity test.

I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and

"Cover your right eye with your hand."

He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

"Now your left."

Again, a flawless read. "Now both,"

I requested.

There was silence.

He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.

I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what
I had asked; he was standing there with both his
eyes covered.

I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester , MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

"Which one?" I asked. "

The patch.

The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,

I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered ...
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
"So, how's your breakfast this morning?
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

And Finally, the one worth waiting for
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.

To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said,

"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name


Boy Kim said...

"And because I'm a glutton for punishment, especially your punishment..." sounds like something I'd put on a query letter when I'm looking for a new top.

And there's me thinking I was the only sub around here.

Smiled out load at the Doctor funnies, btw.

And I'm saving up to buy you some colour film/pixels for you camera. I'm fed up of sepia. It reminds me too much of my youth.

JamesO said...

That's much the best photo so far, Sandra - a good setting to frame it. I've seen much, much worse done by the professionals.

As to why we didn't mention the head smashed in (buffalo jump) thing, I suspect it was because each of us was reeling at the sheer weight of the post. Certainly by the time I got to the end I was exhausted;}#

Anonymous said...

Kentucky Jelly...I cringed on that one. LOL!

I like the picture!

Erik Ivan James said...

Great picture, Samdra:)

Sandra Ruttan said...

LOL James - this is coming from YOU?!

Glad you guys liked the jokes and the photo.

Kim, I have it in colour. You're so silly.

M. G. Tarquini said...

Those doctor jokes are old as the hills, Sandra. They are the cleaned up ones. The nice ones. They don't send around the others because, well, medical humor is just...gross.

Good photo. Definitely good.

Sandra Ruttan said...

But I'm not old as the hills MG, so they're like new to me!

Trace said...

Oh I love that photo the best. Excellent choice.

Trace said...

*looks more closely* Holy shit! You've got my glasses! Are those Christie Brinkley frames? They look exactly like mine.

Sandra Ruttan said...

No! They're Anne Klein. That's what the Chinese symbols inside translate to!

Trace said...

They look *exactly* like mine. Freaky!

M. G. Tarquini said...

I know. I'm getting so old that old people look young to me.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Yeah, don't leave home without the walking stick!

Bernita said...

For John?
That' cruel!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Bernita, have you seen what John writes? Hardboiled Jesus?

And you might not know about his little side-hobby... Trust me, he's snickering somewhere on the coast of England ATM.

Kate said...

Landing on your head doesn't do any harm. I know because I've done it and there's absolutely nothing wrong with me!

Sandra Ruttan said...

I second that!

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

Wow. Nice pic, Sandra! Good choice.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

That's a really nice pic...but I still love the "c" one from the first set...LOL

Those jokes were really cute...especially the Oscar Myer one!

I didn't mention the missing thing at the bottom of the post because I figured you'd had a hard enough week without getting ragged on again!

jamie ford said...

Nice pic. Looks professional to me.