Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Butt Cheek Blues*

It's time to start thinking "bathing suit season" everyone.

Which means it is also time to consider those rolls.

Not the ones you eat with dinner** or any past conquests in hay or other strange places.

No, nothing as nice as those things. Something far easier to acquire that isn't as appetizing or appealing.

One of the hardest things for me about last week was that I couldn't work out in the morning. Well, I couldn't really do anything. But I feel a lot better if I just buckle down, get up at 4:30 when evilkev does (this is why he's evil) and putter around cyberspace until I'm awake enough to have sufficient coordination so I won't hurt myself by falling down a flight of stairs*** or something.

Now, I have luxury. Yup, a whole 230 feet of sidewalk I have to shovel when it snows, plus a double driveway, plus the inner sidewalk on our property out to the dog pen and between the back and front doors and way off to the lane where we put out the garbage. I don't call it luxury when we get a pile of snow, though. I call it the complete stupidity of living in the country and not having purchased a condo. It takes me forever to mow the lawn come summertime.

But the sad reality is the older I get, the more I need to do. And working at a computer all day only helps Jenny Craig and the Plus-Size stores and the people who make those weight-control shakes.

So, with that, I've come up with some extra tips for all of us office-bound folk, for how we can battle the beer bellies and the thigh flab. And the best thing is that wherever possible, I've tried to integrate things we all have so that this is an ultra-cheap work-out routine I'm giving you for free**** out of the goodness of my heart.

Sandra's Office Aerobics Plan
by Sandra Ruttan^


The Monitor Manuever
Tilt your monitor sideways, or reprogram the desktop to rotate in a counter-clockwise motion so that you can get those head rolls and neck stretches in.

Tower Toe Tap
Place your computer tower as far away from where you regularly sit as possible, just within kicking reach so that you fully extend the leg when you have to reboot it.

Shelf Stretch
Move your handy resource books onto a shelf barely within reach so you have to fully extend your arms in order to grasp the books you need - it allows for the laziness of remaining seated like having the shelves right beside you used to, but gives you a good torso stretch.

Upper Body

Disable the damn computer functions and buy the enlarged version of the dictionary and thesaurus and use- access a minimum of 12 times daily before you're allowed to use the computer spellcheck again.
**If you want to get really funky, lie on the floor with your arms outstretched, the thesaurus on one side and the dictionary on the other. Pick them up and lift them both, keeping your arms straight as you bring them together in front of you. Try to guess which book weighs more. Then slowly lower your arms, turn your body around so the books are on the opposite side and repeat. This particular exercise is vastly entertaining when drunk.

Place your waste basket as far away as possible, so that any candy bar wrappers, chip bags and shake cans have to be weighed down before thrown, requiring extra effort. Be sure to put your recycling bin beside the waste basket for the pop cans and beer bottles.

Arm extensions: option 1
Gum up your mouse so that you have to work twice as hard to get your pointer across your screen - good for a writer's version of "wax on" - you'll have to work it in the other direction as well for "wax off".

Arm extensions: option 2
Use two desks. Put your computer at the far left end of the left desk, your mouse on the middle of the right desk so that you have to do a full extension to reach it. Reverse for people left-handed.

Push-ups (involves leg exercises)
You must have a swivel chair, so that you can spin round and round and round and round by pushing off the floor with your foot, until you fall off the chair. Then do a push up and climb back on. Spin in the opposite direction. Again, this exercise is particularly easy and interesting when you've been drinking heavily.

Those Abs

Reach Down
Raise your chair up a foot higher than you need it. Exhale as you lower your body down towards your knees, type, then inhale as you straighten back up. Do this between posting 20 comments daily on
Mark Billingham's Talk Zone
MG's Blog
Dana's Blog
Trace's Blog
Stephen's Blog (and follow the title too for an extra workout - John's in southeast England if you can catch him)
Daniel's Blog.

Plus visit Stuart. Laugher is, after all, great for the abs.

And if you can type sideways, then do this with your knees full chair width apart, lowering your self to the left knee and typing, then swiveling the chair and lowering yourself to the right knee and typing. This gives you the side ab workout.

Lower Ab Lift
Once you've done the required reps on the arms, place your dictionary and thesaurus at your feet, along with your beer and wine glass. Whenever you need one of these items, use only your feet to lift it up. Breathing out while lifting the feet up together targets the lower abs. Just make sure you use a big plastic sheet under your desk if you don't have one already. And it is definitely easier without socks.

Cardio and constructive uses for rejection letters

Exercise Ball Bounce
So what if you have to buy an exercise ball and get a little workout video? Plaster the ball with rejection letters and work that baby until you've sweated (and if you're a guy, farted) all over those letters. Take back the power.

Boxing, Head-butting and Kick-boxing
Get a punching back - plaster with reject letters and punch, kick and butt your frustration away.

Dart board
This is a no-brainer. Save it for the person who tells you your work is absolutely shit without explanation. The letter can be replaced with David Hasselfhoff album covers and George Michael posters on occasion.

This one's a no-brainer. Put the hoop over your garbage can.

Liquid Jiggle **Perfect for the butt cheeks**
Drink 2 litres of water, then set a timer for 60 minutes. You can't get up to go to the bathroom until the timer goes off. If you aren't mopping, you will be wiggling up a storm, which is great for working the butt cheeks.

No doubt, I'll think of more after I've gone to bed. But do you have some office exercise suggestions? Fire away!

**Beer Bottle Bowling
Bending over and using the proper arm and leg technique is all good, as long as you can get back up. And you can use a variety of balls for this one, with or without plastered rejection letters.

Cheek Spreader
Pry those suckers as far apart as you can and sit down. Gradually tighten up the cheeks until you've got the padding under you instead of squished out to the sides. Then stand, pry, sit and repeat. And do stand. Don't cheat and do the cheek shift on the chair. Standing calls those leg muscles into action.

*And for some simple advice - move the plug-in fridge to the other side of the room! And the phone! Plus, replace your kitchen cabinets with only upper cupboards so that you have to get a step to reach them, thus incorporating stair-stepping into your daily routine.

And if you leave a number of things scattered on the stairs, you get the side to side varied muscle use of an obstacle course."

Laugh the abs off
One morning Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies," I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.
He replies confidently,"How about a quickie?"

"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude! You're starting to talk like Mr. Clinton! You are a pig and I am disgusted!"

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced "quiche".

^ All rights reserved, yaddi yadda. Past elsewhere, just tell everyone I'm brilliant.
* Inspired by fan mail from an admirer*****
** Though they probably don't help
*** Yes, I've done it, and I don't need you asking and bringing the trauma back!
****Don't send sweaty socks, send a picture of the six-pack abs
*****Not totally true, but I'm sticking with it


JamesO said...

Sometimes I wonder if it isn't just easier to be fat.

Daniel Hatadi said...

20 comments daily! That's gonna hurt.

Sandra Ruttan said...

James, likely yes. But your weiner dogs will never forgive you for abandoning their walks.

And you know what they say Daniel - no pain, no gain. Which unfortunately doesn't mean that if you lead a cushy life you won't gain weight - in fact, usually the opposite.

I forgot the Thigh Presser - get a ball with a bit of give to it (NOT a soccer ball or basketball) and plaster with reject letters, then place between knees and squeeze. Do that as you type.

Trace said...

Oh my God. You're killing me this morning!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Shhhhh Trace. I don't want any evidence of my crime.

Gabriele C. said...

I wonder how Americans pronounce quiche. Keesh?

Damn, and now I want some. so not good for those rolls.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Yep, keesh is it, more or less!

That was a rotten joke for me to put on after all that exercise talk. I shouldn't be posting anything after 9 pm. Ever. I don't think straight.

JamesO said...

And you do before 9pm?

Erik Ivan James said...

Ok, Sandra, if I don't eat keesh (which I don't anyway), do all of your suggested routines 6 days per, how long before I fit into french briefs 30 lbs. smaller?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Ha ha James. Those who disagree with James's remarks about me can send complaints to: You're a big weinerhead.com*

Thank you. Thank you, all my wonderful fans.

And Erik, it might depend on how often you get chased around the bedroom. But think of it this way: it's a place to start?

But briefs? OMG, out damn thought, out.

*It doesn't work - I don't give out email addy's. Unless sufficiently bribed.

M. G. Tarquini said...

I'm so not commenting on anything here. Especially the cheek spreader.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Hey, I didn't even put the butt-check-presses on!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Hey, just trying to keep up with your banter is a mental workout!

See, I can play well with others. Occasionally.

Boy Kim said...

I think it's best if I take the MGTarquini route too. Otherwise... well, you know "otherwise".

Lisa S. said...

mmmmm..beer bottle bowling. 'Scuse me while I go make some empties. I'll need twelve pins, right?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Okay, that's freaky. Boy Kim's comment arrived in my inbox before it got posted here, so my reply beat his original comment.

Or I'm just so damn amazing I knew what he was going to say before he said it.

Lisa, I think it's 10-pin, but heck, make it 12. Why not?

M. G. Tarquini said...


There goes the diet coke again.