Thursday, February 02, 2006

The Friday Files

All the way from Australia comes a little story of an insurance claim nightmare. Leaping Crocodile Slams Into Car. Now, exactly how do you file that? Act of God's creation gone horribly wrong?

And I thought Kate should be worried about the kangaroos! Was death by flying crocodile not on that survey either?

In other news...
Mark Billingham's talk zone is now up and running. Even if you don't know Mark's work, drop by for a range of chatter on everything from football (read soccer), music, writing to jokes. Mark isn't just a kick-ass crime writer, he's also a comedian, and he's got some interesting choices for preferred superpowers.

Though I think he left off mind-control over the readers and reviewers.

The Sad News
I was debating when to put this up. Some of you know my dear friend Alison's father was diagnosed with cancer before Christmas. He passed away at the age of 57. I'll be returning to Vancouver sometime after the funeral to spend time with her, likely in a few weeks, but I'll let you know about that once we've made plans.

Back Update
Okay, the truth is, I put my back out shoveling the snow. At least, that's how I think I did it. But it is on the mend. I can now manage 5 minutes of typing without spasms. Wahoo. Bring on the manuscript editing...

And now, the Friday Funnies Because although life is filled with good and bad, ups and downs, its still good to smile. And because typing out some long, opinionated post is going to put me in pain, so I'd rather cut and paste some jokes.

And because you guys do such a great job of cheering me up when I'm down, so I hope I can return the favour in some small part. I've had a really rough week, one where I thought about quitting the writing, running away and joining the circus (only Rickards didn't invite me) and one where I ended up duking it out with some people elsewhere in blogdom. I did send my apologies to JA Konrath, but I should apologize here. I let my emotions get the better of me, and I'm sorry. I'm just glad it wasn't 'in person' or I'd have the medical bills to deal with after kicking your a- ahem. Sorry.

Right, then. The jokes. Some old, no doubt, but hopefully one or two that make you smile.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
(Of course . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
BEAST
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

And Now...
Repeat after me: I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never co mplain about MY kids again .. I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kid s again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ...


And, a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY old man! Nephew Athaniel has turned 7! I expect 4-digit multiplication to follow within the month.


Niece Arriel, 11 (wants to be a CSI), nephew Athaniel, 7 (wants to be rich), nephew Dashiell, 7 months, who will be corrupted by his Aunt Sandra to live up to his namesake and be a great crime writer.

17 comments:

M. G. Tarquini said...

The husband/wife jokes are good. Sorry about the back. That's why I went to a laptop. Can type in all sorts of positions. Feel better soon.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Well, I have a laptop, but I used it so much I wore the labels off the keys.

And I've been having trouble lifting anything!

jason evans said...

Sorry about your friend's father.


Did enjoy the jokes! Husband on the back of a milk carton...ouch!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Yeah, us mystery writers. We're pretty warped!

Boy Kim said...

Probably best if I don't touch MG's "can type in all sorts of positions" comment.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Yeah, well, some women study ceilings, others keep working...

Boy Kim said...

... and some do both at the same time

Sandra Ruttan said...

We're good at multi-tasking.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Well Kim, don't let the super-powers fool you. Occasionally there's a man worthy of our full attention.

Oh look, a bee...

Boy Kim said...

yep, real pros

Erik Ivan James said...

Good jokes Sandra. It's true that good jokes are based upon everyday realties.

Your husband should pamper you for a few days so your back can heal.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Thanks erik. I'll tell evilkev you said that!

Kim, tee hee. Just kidding.

Boy Kim said...

A bee? In February? That's just silly.

Oh my mistake. Just before the r.

And is there an attempt to try to break the world record for posting the highest number of words ending in 'ee' in a single blog-post?

Three so far. Four.

Gabriele C. said...

Argh, dissappearing labels on laptop keys - slippery beasts, aren't they?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Kim, I decided to pass on the beer. Ordered a Bellini instead. Yum yum yum, fruity stuff and rum.

Yeah Gabriele, I hear you! Damn things, running off and hiding under the keyboard like that!

The dog jumping on it didn't help either.

Anonymous said...

Kangaroos are nothing to worry about. And nobody's really worried about crocodiles either, because every time there's a fatal crocodile attack more tourists go to that area! People love crocodiles!

Kate

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

Love the tampons and spiders joke.

I didn't you had this posted.

Blogger's been acting up again.