Finding the right publisher/politically correct funnies

Why Preditors and Editors is Wrong

“It is with publishers as it is with wives: one always wants someone else’s.”
Norman Douglas

I have worked at dozens of places. For tyrants who just enjoyed bullying. For thieving crooks who nickel-and-dime past every safety code regulation at the expense of the safety of children – which is generally when I get on my ethical high horse and give them the old two finger salute.

I’ve worked for some wonderful people who were bad bosses. And I’ve worked for some wonderful bosses who were regular people.

In my working life, I probably haven’t seen it all, but I feel I’ve come pretty damn close.

In the quest for publication, I’ve gone through a lot of ups and downs. My initial goal was to find a reputable Canadian publisher. Why? Why not? I hadn’t much insight into the workings of the book business then.

I was encouraged to try to find an agent. An arduous task almost as difficult as finding a publisher on your own.

What I ended up doing was trying a multifaceted approach. I queried both agents and publishers. Small publishers, because very few of the larger publishers accept unsolicited work.

And then the responses started coming in.

I have, in fact, been offered four contracts in the past…10 months or so I was actively looking. One agent turned out to be the kind that asked for cash when you signed. No thank you.

Why? Publishers know which agents are getting clients to pay for representation upfront. It means the agent isn’t necessarily passionate about the writing, and they have no incentive to push your work into the right market. They only commit to sending the book out to a set number of publishers.

The publishers I sent packing

I was offered a contract with a small publisher. Something about them didn’t smell right, from early on.

Then came another offer. This one seemed all very legit upfront. I did my homework and couldn’t find anything to suggest otherwise.

Until week 2 of discussions.

I got my contract, and there were problems. For one thing, they wanted rights to all my subsequent writing at the same contract terms for life. No out clause.

For another, they referred to “investing” in the publication of my book. All the percentages of returns were based on my “investment”.

Now, when I spoke to the publisher on the phone, he said I could invest for a higher return, or take a standard royalty with no investment.

So I had the contract checked over. And there were some other problems with it.

I sent off questions. The publisher would return with an email saying, “Good questions. Call me, let’s talk.”

Except once I phoned the UK at my own expense, I still didn’t have answers.

And then when things finally did come in writing, they weren’t what was said on the phone.

Turned out in the end, the publisher wanted to take 80% of my subsidiary rights.

And several days after getting the contract, I got a letter telling me the offer was based on the condition I “invest” 10,000 pounds in the printing of my book. No money, no publishing.

Fuck you very much.

Preditors and Editors has given that publisher a ‘not recommended’ rating.

Now, I was told a long time ago to use P&E as a reference. For a variety of reasons. I was under the impression they researched publishers to make an assessment.

Until I saw that they said, “Poor contract. Not recommended” about my publisher.

I’m going to get back to that in a second. But seeing that made me look through other listings. Wow.

I found some publishers of authors I know, with no warnings. And I know things about those publishers, things that contradict the P&E recommendation guidelines.

One of these publishers has it in the contract that any subsidiary sales the publisher gets all rights to, the author gets nothing.

I looked through their rating criteria, and the only thing I could find on their “not recommended” list that could even possibly apply to Tico Publishing was, “Offers a contract slanted heavily against the writer.”

Which is rather subjective.

Now, in correspondence with them what they said was that they didn’t like the publisher’s terms on subsidiary rights. Yes, the publisher asked for a percentage.

I argued the point on them. For one thing, that other publisher wanted 80% of my subsidiary rights. Tico wanted significantly less if someone made a movie.

And I think they deserve it.

Why? For one thing, it’s getting harder and harder for new writers to get agents and publishers. If a small publisher is willing to invest in finding new talent, they need to see a return on that.

For another, they are committed to shopping those rights, the same way an agent would. Since I don’t have an agent, I won’t sell movie rights unless my publisher works it out. And they aren’t going to do that for free.

How I assessed the contract.

I had two legal advisors review the contract for problems. There were very minor things, writing glitches actually, to be addressed.

I spoke to published authors about the pros and cons of small publishers and the terms of the contract. The authors essentially felt that the contract was fine, that for a new writer it was a pretty good starting point.

I spoke to a friend in the publishing business. She used to work at Mondo and now works at Rosen. She actually told me that they have people come to them all the time and ask for subsidiary rights for their writers – publishers in Malaysia, Japan, Singapore – that it’s standard practice anymore. And she asked me pointed questions about the contract – every question came back with the right answer. She works in publishing so she knows what she’s talking about and as my friend she wanted me to have a fair deal.

Also, after the last fiasco, I had read up on contracts. I knew what I was looking at. So had Kevin, and he deals with contracts in his work all the time.

I also talked to a bookstore owner about the distribution in place and got the thumbs up on it. It was, as I was told, a good option. No reason not to sign on based on that – they distribute in Canada, the UK and elsewhere.

I fired off a list of questions and points for change to my publisher.

My publisher phoned me to discuss these points. Every single thing I asked to have changed in the contract was changed. Every question I had was answered to my satisfaction.

And the conversation has been backed up via written correspondence, so there can be no “he said, she said” like what happened in the end with the other publisher.

Great editors do not discover nor produce great authors; great authors create and produce great publishers.
John Farrar, What happens in book publishing1957

I not only stand by my decision to take this contract: I will be mailing out my contract for a second book to them today.

Here’s why.

I’ve talked to a lot of authors. One of the questions I asked was, “Big or Small?”

The response I’ve gotten is that both can be very good, there is no hard or fast rule here.

In one case, the author said he made peanuts for his first four novels at a small publisher but when his editor went to St. Martin’s, he got taken along and got a six-book deal.

In my upcoming interview with Tracy Sharp one of the things she talks about is watching ebook authors get snatched up by large publishers. Starting small can mean moving big later, if you want to. Though not everyone does, and not everyone should.

Really, it boils down to the experience you have. I’d rather go with a small publisher I feel comfortable with than a large one where I feel lost.

The reality is, each person’s experience will be different. Many authors have started with small publishers – John Grisham was selling books out of the trunk of his car. Alexander McCall Smith, JK Rowling – I believe they started small.

In some cases, starting with a large publisher can be a problem. The publisher has other big names to push and you get very little of their promotional attention.

The truth is, there’s no right or wrong way.

But I find it astounding that a publisher that wanted to charge me 10,000 pounds sterling has been put on the level with a publisher that’s taking no fees from me, that’s invested in promoting my book, and that has shown me an exceptional level of professionalism. Why, just this morning at 5 am I got an email from my publisher telling me he was reading my blog.

And every question I’ve asked has been answered promptly, efficiently.

My input has been treated with respect.

If my publisher has any “alleged” flaw, it might be being too transparent on their website. I understand what they’re trying to do. Trying to be open and honest in publishing – which automatically makes many people suspicious.

But I really appreciated always knowing the status of my submissions. And these guys don’t just publish everyone who submits to them – you have to pass two review processes, minimum.

The truth is, some people have tried pretty damn hard to rain on my parade. Fine. They don’t want to go with a US publisher or a small publisher, that’s their business.

But I, for one, am thrilled with the publisher I’ve chosen. I’m ecstatic that my work will see the light of day.

And after having an agent tell me I couldn’t sell my work in the US, I’m pretty pleased to have a US publisher taking me on!

Plus, having authors tell me the contract was fine was enough. These are people who’ve supported and encouraged me.

And this was one of those times when I had an instinctive feeling – everything I’d been told I should hope to hear from an agent was what I was hearing from the publisher.


Besides, when I go into the bookstore, I don’t look at the spine and say, “I won’t buy a book from that publisher.” I go in and buy an author.

I know I’m in the honeymoon phase with my publisher and some of you are likely wondering if it will last. But let me at least say this: I did my homework on that contract. I got the amendments I asked for. And I am happy with it. The authors, editors and people in the publishing business I’ve talked to are really happy for me.

Oh, and one more thing about P&E. I can’t find on their site what qualifies a publisher as “recommended”. Does anyone know where that is? Because it’s making me pretty suspicious, considering I’ve seen people signed to questionable contracts…and dump the publisher after book 1.

As I mentioned earlier, and P&E has no warning on them, despite the fact they take 100% of subsidiary rights.

Not to mention that I wrote back to P&E about these points.

They didn’t answer any of my questions.

It’s got to make you wonder. I still think they’re worth checking as a resource, but I don’t think they’re the be-all and end-all to assessing publishers. When the time comes for you, proceed cautiously, talk to lawyers, authors, editors, people who deal with these things.

And for those that put subjective advice up on websites and fail to respond to emails addressing their ranking of publishers…Grain of salt.

Incidentally, I was surprised at how many people who are published and who are signed with agents, or are magazine editors, told me they didn’t trust P&E. I won’t betray confidences and quote names.

Don’t take their opinion as gospel, or mine. Just make sure you do your homework. At the point where you start querying, you should be researching publishers and contracts and be prepared so you know what you’re doing.

It’s the best protection you can possibly have.

And, since I've gone all taboo by taking on the might P&E today, why not encourage political correctness with everything else? Oldies, but still funnies. And Kim will likely feel all nostalgic reading them.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT ........
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK...She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER...She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY...She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB...She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND...She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD...She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY...She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS...She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU...She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT...She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS...She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE...She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT.......
1. He does not have a BEER GUT....He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER....He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME....He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING....He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER....He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK....He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS....He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG....He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT....He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not HORNY....He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
11. It's not his crack you see hanging out of his pants....It is MALE CLEAVAGE!

The Sportsmanship of Mystery Writers

Have you heard the story from the Olympics, the one that will melt cold hearts and bring tears to your eyes? Well, if you're a sap like me, anyway.

I've been sitting here reading about how aCanadian team won silver at the Olympics. And it isn't the usual back-patting kind of story.

It's all because another team helped them out.

Yep, that's right. The Norweigans, who ultimately placed fourth, noticed one of the skiers had lost her pole. Instead of using it to their advantage, a Norweigan skier gave the short-changed Canadian their pole so she could finish her leg of the race.

I wouldn't care if that was an American and a Brit or someone from France or Timbuktu - that's just plain nice.

Which is what my experience in the world of mystery writing has been.

The congrats on my book deal came in from people like Stuart MacBride, John Rickards, Steve Mosby, Mark Billingham, Cornelia Read, Sharon Wildwind, Lorna Schultz Nicholson, to name but a few. Other authors didn't think, "Crap, now I have to compete to sell books against that little Canadian upstart." Okay, maybe one or two thought it, but nobody said it.

Actually, some authors started emailing me advice. I am so blessed to be part of a generous writing community, and so touched at the encouragement I've received.

And now you may go read about why we don't see more authors naked, in the real post for today, below.

Peep Show

If sex sells so well, why don't we see more pictures of authors naked?

I mean, they have the firefighter calendars (no, evilkev isn't allowed to pose) and they have policeman calendars. Why not author calendars? I could just imagine JA Konrath holding the manual of his words of wisdom over his...what's the phrase de jour? Manhood? Is this where I say it's a good thing he doesn't need mu...

Okay, maybe I'd better not say that. Not where he can read it, anyway. But aren't you all dying to know if Stuart MacBride really does have both nipples pierced, or just one?*

Now, if you're wondering where this is going, and if it's anywhere intelligent, likely not. But I've had a lot of things going through my mind the past few days, and one of them is about the extraneous job requirements authors face.

When you start out, usually it's the love of writing, of storytelling, that's compelling you. But when you start to think about selling work and being published, you have to think about book signings and speaking on panels, public readings and such.

People who know me reasonably well usually can't comprehend how shy I can be, especially with strangers. The Blog is one thing - I can say anything here. I'm not making anyone read it. I don't have to see how you react (unless you kindly leave me a comment). But this is a very controlled medium of communication.

I was recently on a panel, talking about Harrogate, and one of the questions I was asked was how you could register to just go to one session instead of the whole thing. I was sitting there thinking, "Why would anyone from Canada go to the UK for one panel? WTF?" See what I mean? Public setting = no control. And then you say things, like Mark Billingham's admission that he generally leaves about 15 minutes for sex on a panel at Harrogate, and people never forget.

Which made me really unsure how to respond when he said he'd give me 15 minutes this year...^

I did a reading of my work last year and it was brutal. As much as I "can" put it on and perform in public, this was my work and it was the first time I was reading from a manuscript of my own. I had classic verbal diarrhea and the front row was sweating profusely from the amount of heat in my cheeks.

And lucky them, I've signed on to do it again.

Now, I think we've all heard the old saying "picture the audience naked."

Is this really helpful? What if you look out into the crowd and see John Rickards in a tutu? Would the thought of him naked help me relax and enjoy the reading experience?

I think I'd be trying to stifle the laughter, reach for the water and snort it through my nose, just for good measure.

Which reminds me of one of my most embarrassing moments. My 16th birthday party, my cousin, his girlfriend, a guy I had a crush on all at my house pre-party. We're having dinner. I'd just taken a sip of coke and someone made me laugh.

I sprayed pop all over the floor. Yep, that Sandra, she's one classy chick.

Why is it I can be such a total performer with a group of children and I can turn into a quivering idiot around adults?

This year, I've had to do a lot more public speaking than usual. Introducing speakers, some teaching again, including teaching adults. Oh fun. But it has really helped me mentally, as I start to think about reading from my actual book in public. And facing those completely off-the-wall questions.

Fortunately, I know I'm not the only one who goes through this. I was surprised at how shy Michael Connelly seemed last year at Harrogate. And when Ian Rankin was in Calgary in 2004 he put his foot in his mouth and there was probably a solid five minutes of laughter over the slip of the tongue.

It helps when you have a supportive crowd of admirers. But I think when you're able to laugh at yourself, like he did, you can also win sympathy.

At least I hope so.

Though I'm definitely not picturing the audience naked. Or co-readers or co-panelists. Or interviewers.

So what strategies do you guys have to help you get over your nerves?

Now I'm off to learn a new signature so that anyone who should ever ask for a signed copy of my book can't forge my cheques.



^ For an interview. Really, you people are just disturbed, always twisting things.
* No, I'm not telling how I know. I don't tell everything!

Obstacle Course & Sizzling Sex

If at first you don't succeed, maybe you were born to fail. Right?

Now, if the goal was to turn this into a religious or philosophical debate, we could go on forever about free will versus predestination, karma and whatnot. And no matter what I believe spiritually, I find those opposing philosophies intriguing.

Clearly, some people believe that you make your own path (free will) and others believe that you're on the path you were put on and it's out of your control (predestination). And if that's the case I want to order my future life with cabana boys, close proximity to Bunions and more money than Bill Gates has.

Let's put the religious aspect aside and look at the day to day. I believe both free will and predestination are true, in a matter of speaking. Somee people were born to be writers. Others were born actors. And others still were born artists.

But I'm convinced that the ones who actually become writers, actors, artists or whatever are the ones who choose to make it happen.

When I studied the elements of a classic quest story, it boiled down to this:
- hero with special calling or powers
- hero is given a specific task
- hero acquires helpers to assist him in his goal
- hero must overcome obstacles that try to prevent him from fulfilling his quest
- hero fulfills quest
- hero returns home from quest

I think the problems most people face are creating their own obstacles to keep them from fulfilling their quest and lose site of the goal.



This is something I did in my own life for many years. Every guy I dated was a jerk, completely uncommitted to me or a control freak, and I knew it going in, I just refused to accept it. I wanted to write but my study of journalism almost killed me. I was working full-time shift work doing care for the elderly and studying by day and six months into year 1 I was in the hospital. But I couldn't afford university and I wasn't eligible for a loan because my parents made too much money. Didn't matter that they thought school was a waste of time...

I've definitely made some bad choices in the past. Sometimes they came full circle and I ended up getting a second chance to make it right. Other times, I missed out on opportunities. When I look back on my track record for screwing up, it's no wonder I was convinced I'd never have a healthy relationship in my life and that I was going to spend my years living in my sister's basement eating kraft dinner until my teeth fell out.

Ultimately, I had to make some firm decisions about what I wanted in life, and then I had to learn to make choices that would increase the likelihood of getting what I wanted. It took me almost 28 years to find Kevin, and when I did I was the worst woman ever. I totally kept it cool, all cards on the table from the beginning, no bullshit. And I wouldn't even kiss him on our early dates. Lucky for him it didn't take long for us to get engaged.

Career-wise, I've still been learning how to make the future I want happen. Ever since I was a child I wanted to be an author. I loved putting words together and making stories.

But every time I got close to a career writing, I got scared. I put up mental and emotional obstacles and persuaded myself I should be working, even after I was married.

Finally, almost two years ago, Kevin was out of work. It was just after we'd bought our house too, so it was a super-stressful time. My work was a nightmare - a full caseload was two children and I had three. I lived out of my truck, I ate while driving, all I did was sleep and work and I was miserable.

Kevin told me to quit my job.

It may have seemed the most ludicrous thing in the world. Here we were, no income, and I was turning into a full-time writer. That was June 2004. And while I was writing, I didn't even care about if it was good.

I gave myself one attainable goal. Good, bad, whatever, I was just going to finish that manuscript.

And I did.

I couldn't write a query for it. It was impossible. It was a bitch to edit because the story is huge.

I got one place to look at it. They passed.

I got another publisher interested, but they wanted something 80,000 words. And I was still swelling at 133,000.

I thought about making it a romantic suspense and trying to sell it to harlequin because I didn't know where else to try with this particular manuscript.

Finally, I submitted it to Tico. And they loved it. It won best fiction out of six months of submissions, and earned a publishing contract.

I got my editing notes from the reviewer. "Within the suspense/mystery genre it stands out as a complete tour de force for the main character" and a ranking of 9 out of 10. And this was a manuscript I'd almost given up on.

Now, this fall, I will see another dream realized. I'll be a published author. There will be more dreams, I suppose.

But considering that even just two weeks ago, I was thinking that all the manuscripts I'd been working on might not be there yet, I can honestly say that I'm glad I didn't let self-doubt get in the way.

Part of the reason for that is that I have a helper. I dreamed. Kevin believed.

There have been other helpers too. Alison. Stuart MacBride. Marsha. Simon Kernick. Kate. Cornelia Read. Mindy. Mystery Writers Ink.

And their belief in me helped me persevere. For that, I'm grateful.

On Monday JA Konrath was posting about planning for success in your career. If you haven't checked it out, you should, because there's a lot of good advice in there that isn't only for writers. It applies across the board.

Whatever your dream is, make a plan. How are you going to make it a reality?

Then get to work on it. Life is too short to be spent living with nothing but what if's and might-have-been's.

On The Wire, Lt Daniels' wife said, "You cannot lose if you do not play."

But you definitely can't win either.

Sizzling Sex

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary Dinner together in a small tavern.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this... two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by a walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.

This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" and he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them. "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

Cloned Characters - UPDATED

PICTURE AT BOTTOM MAY OFFEND SOME ANIMAL LOVERS...OR PEOPLE WHO LIKE BABIES.

One of the criticisms often made about writing is that the characters all sound the same.

I once got the remark on an excerpt of my work that my characters “all run and jump the same way.”

That was a remark I really had to consider. And it’s a criticism that I have something of an issue with, particularly in the mystery genre.

For me, specifically, the story in question involved a team of police officers. Young officers. All in good health. Laying off the donuts.

Short of giving one a bad leg or some truly bizarre characteristic, they were obviously going to “run and jump” similarly.

Although in that particular excerpt, they neither ran nor jumped.

But they did react. And I could look at the main characters sharing a scene and see that some of their reactions were pretty similar.

However, that doesn’t surprise me either. The truth is, if you present a dozen people with similar careers and experiences with the same situation, there’s a good chance more than a few of them will react the same way.

In this case, it was the body of a child. This is not when the cops start with the wisecracks. This is when everyone gets solemn and serious. And angry.

I felt that the criticism was going a bit too far, in that particular case, considering it was a judgment on a few thousand words and hardly the whole manuscript. But the comment isn’t wholly without merit.

There are definitely times when characters appear to be nothing more than replicas. One of the things you have to do is strive to give each character their own voice, which will be defined by a combination of things. The way they speak, the way they react, what they do when nobody’s looking.

In essence, you give them life.

It is easy to criticize writers by saying that their characters all sound the same, but the reality is that if you walk down the street where I live, most people do sound the same. We use the same slang and lazy speech. We talk in cumulative conversations that have been accruing since the snowstorm of 1998. The passing chatter on the street isn’t a conversation in itself – it is simply picking up where you left off last time you were in the store, or ran into them on the way to the post office.

In my writing, I’ve had to really look at what defines a character to me on the page, and it isn’t as easy as it sounds. One of the characters in a manuscript ended up becoming a major character in the series, and it wasn’t even planned.

He just had this great attitude, and he was so much fun to write. And he demanded more than I’d planned to give him. He lives for me.

A few others, however, fall short of the mark.

As I’m editing, now I’ll be looking for what it is that makes this character seem flat, or not quite as believable. In truth, it’s this one pesky manuscript that I haven’t touched in over a year that’s the problem.

Thank God for publishing contracts so that I don’t have to look at my one stand-alone for some time to come!

But I find myself wondering what tips and strategies you use to give your characters dimension. And what makes a difference to you as a reader, what makes you believe in one as opposed to another.

I’d welcome your thoughts.



3 LADIES IN A HOT TUB - an old joke, but it seemed appropriate for today's post and I still expect laughter, dammit!

THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEPING STOPPED THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE Of TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTIN' A FAX."

A Mirror For Society and Safe Sex

Social Issues, and how they influence my writing

Every single day I find something in the news that should shock me, but I'm seldom surprised by what I read. Likely because I'm one part cynical former journalist, one part realist, stirred occasionally but seldom shaken.

I have some friends who choose to turn a blind eye to what is happening around them. They don't watch the news, seldom watch tv at all, vote according to the encouragement of their minister and try to remain shielded from the ills of society. Much as I love those friends, their choice to shut their eyes to the world and its problems perplexes me.

The day I was returning home from my grandfather's funeral I stayed at a friend's house enroute, one of the ones I refer to here. I hadn't heard about what had happened, and she refused to let me watch the news in her home.

It was the day of the Oklahoma City bombing.

I remember all too well the feeling I had on the morning of 9/11. Kevin and I were up, the news on, we heard about the preliminary reports of the first plane and actually watched live on the news as the second plane crashed.

Those are the moments that do shake you. They hurt. The thought of hundreds of voices crying out with their last breath as their lives are ripped out of their hands and cast into the unknown... It's a hard thought to bear.

But these incidents are also some of the most reaffirming moments in our lives. The ones that give us hope. Because instead of looting buildings, black, brown, white, rich, poor, unemployed, workaholic - all shared that profound grief. People put their differences aside. The boundaries no longer mattered and for a brief window in time, we saw people reach out and help strangers, house the homeless, comfort the grieving, heal the wounded.

Kevin and I went to Tunisia not long after 9/11. Many thought we were mad, but it had a profound impact on us. The people who would come up and clasp my hand and in broken English thank us for still coming.

Read: thank us for not blaming them.

I know that there are many reasons people write. For each one, it differs.

For me, much of my writing has to do with coming to terms with the problems in the world today. My way of staring into the face of evil instead of running away, and trying to understand it.

I'm one of those people that believes we don't find solutions to our problems - personally or as a society - by turning a blind eye, whispering a prayer and hoping things will be okay.

Most of you reading this likely know that I just signed a contract for the publication of my manuscript, Suspicious Circumstances. I was asked if I built my plots around social issues or just incorporated them into the story.

The answer is both.

When I wrote Suspicious Circumstances I had some very specific issues in mind. Detective Tymen Farraday and reporter Lara Kelly have to deal with their prejudices and put aside their misgivings to work together. Overcoming - or not overcoming - preconceived judgments is crucial. One of the other themes centers around personal responsibility - how people with the same general background can end up going in radically different directions. This is subtle, but an underlying issue that involves peripheral characters, as well as a main one.

Forgiveness is also a key issue. Not just the ability to forgive others, but to forgive yourself.

And acceptance.

A lot of this came about because of my own thoughts on these subjects, struggles I've had in the past working through these topics in my own life. But for fear of this turning into a chapter-length post, I think I'll have to save expounding on the storyline for my website - which I'm now redoing. For so long it seemed that Terms of Redemption would be my first book out, but once it became possible that SC would lead the way it was hard to know how to design the site.

Because as James is about to discover, they're very different books.

I know that writers write to entertain, as personal therapy, because they're compelled to - perhaps feuled by some 'god' complex in the genetic code that makes us want to create - but I also write with the hope that the reader will have a moment where they think about something. Sometimes, its not much more than a "mindfuck" - like when I write short stories. I wrote Write To Kill for one reason: when I worked with mentally challenged adults we had one man in our group who should have been a functioning member of society, but he'd been stuck in a care facility for handicapped people because he wasn't adopted as a child. The result was that he had learned how to function and behave in every respect like the other people he was with - though technically there was nothing wrong with him. He'd been socialized to be (forgive me, it's so hard to be PC) low-functioning.

So, was my character insane? Even I'm not sure. Writing the story was just my way of posing the question.

Why do you write? What do you hope that people take away with them when they're done the book?
Or, you know, the usual entertaining comments!

And, in the interest of promoting good health, I bring you the SAFE SEX DRESS!



John Rickards' evening gown inside-out?

Big Deal

The truth is out there, apparently.

And so I feel I should put it here.

Yes, I signed a contract.

Book 1, currently titled Suspicious Circumstances will be out likely this fall. I say likely, but don't get angry, because we have to discuss the date, and there are plenty of variables that can influence that.

But by saying "fall" I've given myself until December 21 to deliver, and you can't whip me with a wet noodle.

I'm sure I'll have more to say on the subject. Truth be told, I'm still wrapping my brain around it all. And if you know about my silly string brain, you know what a sticky prospect it is to get it 'round anything.

I just...guys, it's been highs and lows, you know what I mean? A very emotional death. Winning a contest. Putting my back out. Getting a book deal.

(Our kitten, Skittles)


And of course, after the last experience, I approached this one really cautiously. "Okay, bring out the legal books and send it off to the legal experts."

At the end of the day, what does matter right now is that I signed a deal that I'm really happy about, and it really looks like I'm about to see my dream realized.

Pinch me.

And there'll be more on this in a few days, once I can think properly again.

Assuming that happens.

Times when only a swear word will do

There are moments when "shucks darn" doesn't quite cut it.



And "fiddlesticks" falls far short of expressing how we truly feel.



I think it would be safe to say that there are times in the lives of each of us when our cheeks are burning, when we're seething with rage, when only a swear word seems appropriate.

Let me post the question: At the moment in time when that wheel fell off, do you think the driver was thinking, "Gee, that's too bad"?

More like "J-s-- Fcukin' C----t I'm gonna die!"

We humans are communicative creatures. We express ourselves physically, by flipping the bird, shooting darts with our eyes, smacking someone on the head...whatever. When we have those moments of crisis, the words that usually come out aren't nice.



So, would it be better for the parachutist to say, "Oh dear" if he said it with the same force and emotion as "fuck me"?

I ask because this is a contentious topic for writers. I recall at Harrogate last year, on the Sex and Violence panel, Mark Billingham talking about how people didn't complain about the murder or nature of the crime in the book, but they would write letters protesting the use of swear words.



This was something I struggled with during the early writing. I had two characters who, essentially, never swore. Boy it was hard for those two to express some things!

But generally speaking, I think that if you're writing police procedurals like I usually do, swear words are part of the package. It's part of the stress of the job. Things just come out that wouldn't necessarily come out in other circumstances.

Cops are, after all, only human. And those words say a lot.

I listen to radio traffic from emergency response teams. Anyone with a scanner can pick up police calls and sometimes, first responder action. I happen to know one of the people who responds to such calls around here, and I can hear those calls while I'm typing at my desk. One day, this reasonably mild-mannered, lay pastor for a local church was cursing over the radio. It was a stressful call, someone wasn't pulling their weight, he lost patience.

It happens. Anyone called out to clean a little bit of brain off the local highway might get a wee bit tense and let some colourful words slip.

And they can be forgiven for it.



Personally, I think the anti-cursing motto is a bit out of touch with reality. If you sit in bus stations or on commuter trains, walk through school hallways or get a drink in a coffee shop, the reality is you're going to hear people swearing. All the time. And for trivial things.

So is it really fair to expect our fictional cops - who we readers want to follow proper police procedure, to be believable in all other aspects of their portrayal - to smile and be polite when they're handling the stress of their jobs?

I don't think so. Our characters have to be real, first and foremost. Warts, flaws, cuss words and all.

Warning! Joke may contain four-letter words!
Two alligators were sitting in the swamp talking. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as  kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
 
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
 
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock  the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
 
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!

Dancing with the Cabana Boys!

Wow, it's late. Or early, if you're in the UK somewhere. But for me, this is very, very late.

And I'm wiped out! All for good reasons, though. An evening session with a bookstore owner talking about the ins and outs of book purchasing and distribution, which was fascinating.

Or I'm really, really boring and don't get out much...which is probably true anyway.

But I have BIG NEWS!

In the past six months, I've entered a couple contests. In both cases, actually for the feedback. I know, I know, that's what you're supposed to say, but it's true. October 31, I found out the intro to my manuscript, Suspicious Circumstances, had made the first cut in an open-genre competition. Which turned out, in the end, to mean nothing more than that, because the people who put the contest on didn't come through with the prize long-listed authors were supposed to get.

Though I think the short-listed people got zinged far more than I did, but that's another story and I'm not going there. The reality is, I entered the contest, I placed in it somewhere, and I felt pretty good for a bit. It was enough to get other publishers interested in my manuscript. So in the end, it worked out for me.

This time, I entered for peanuts for a pricetag ($5 US and they give feedback on the whole manuscript, not just the first 3000 words) and guess what?

I won Best Fiction.

The editorial feedback from this publisher has been very helpful. Considering what it would have cost me to print off my manuscript and pay for postage to mail it, the $5 US entry fee was a steal.

And now I'm a winner! Which is always better than being a loser.

In this era where it is so hard for new writers to get published, where it's so hard for new writers to even get their material looked at, feedback and a prize to boot from a publisher is huge. Staggering. I'm in complete shock, swaying from tears to shrieks to excessive drinking and...well, actually, I'm too tired for any of it. My mind is mush, my brain numb, and I know tomorrow morning I'm going to get up and come check my email to see if this really did happen.

But despite the mental melt-down, I feel pretty damn good.

And I'll stop boring you and bring on the jokes and general entertainment!

Does this ever ring true!

An older married couple noticed that they were both having a
problem remembering things so they agreed to start writing
everything down. The lady then asked her husband if he would go
to the kitchen and get her some ice cream. He started out the
door and she said, Aren't you going to write it down?"

He said "No, I think I can remember a simple bowl of ice cream."

She said, "Yes, dear, but I want some chocolate syrup on it too."

"I still think I can remember a bowl of ice cream with chocolate
syrup on it," he replied, starting out the door.

"Yes, dear," she said, "but I want you to put some peanuts on it,
too. Do you think you can remember all that?"

"No problem, honey," he said and was gone.

When he finally got back to the room he was carrying a plate of
bacon and eggs. The old woman shook her head and began
scolding her husband. "Well, I told you to write it all down," she
said. "Look, you've forgotten my toast!"


Pinched from James. Who clearly doesn't talk about ME enough on his blog. Hmmph. And he's so big here.

Purrfect Crime-Fighter

Link fixed...I hope!
Fred, Undercover Kitten

Because not every crime is about murder. Maybe Mark Billingham's next book really should have Elvis the cat taking a more active role.

Traffic Signs & Corporate Lessons (hang in there - funnies included)

How do we get from A to Z on the web?

Easy. Flag down a traffic cop and ask for directions. Unless you're a man, in which case you keep driving around, hoping you can figure it out on your own.

Now, seriously, we rely on simple website names we can remember, google search engines and we hope that when we look for something, we can find without too much trouble.

I recently discovered the wonders of a sitemeter. Specifically, the map that shows you where people come on from, and how they get to your site.

Which proved FASCINATING to my little brain.

It turns out that people from Saudi Arabia and Ireland have accessed my site by typing the words Sandra sex in the google search engine. Someone from the Colorado State University ended up on my site searching for bunny disection. Turns out that rabmans or bunmans or humbits post I did a while back popped up in their search efforts.

And just yesterday, someone ended up on my site because they'd done a search for ball chair and someone else dropped by during a google search of the word butt.

All of which has given me this keen insight into how to draw more traffic to my blog. Clearly, I should be posting about sex as often as possible. Sex with bunnies on balls or chairs that somehow involves a reference to a butt. Which shouldn't be hard...

Somewhat more seriously, there are ways to draw traffic, if that's all you're looking for. You can check out the most-searched words on the web and sprinkle your posts with them.

For example, here's some of the top 500 words searched for last week:

Google. Ebay. Yahoo. Paris Hilton (why, I'll never know). Lyrics. Tattoo art (thanks to John Rickards making it a hot topic on his Mystery Circus). Myspace. Anna Benson (who?). Girls. zac efron. eminem. jenna jameson. yahoo.com (shouldn't it be obvious where to find that?)...

Well, you get the idea. Although, surprisingly enough, "high school music" and "from" are both in the top 30. As well as games, dogs, from and mapquest. Sex wasn't in the top 30, or 40, and it was even beat out by thongs (#47) and lingerie (#50). But there's more good news for me - bikini came in #65, so yesterday's post has some extra clout.

And breasts was #68, babes #72, women #83 and nudist #84.

How helpful is it to look back? Well, it depends. If you want to snag excess traffic what you really need to do is be blogging about stuff before it happens. But there is a list of the top 200 long-term, based on almost 403,000,000 searches from the past 100 days. How does it compare?

#1. Google
#2. Paris Hilton
#3. Ebay
#4. Yahoo.

Girls is #6. Dogs is #9. Amazingly, poetry is #5.

Which means that if you want to go for maximum hits with minimum words, you need to talk about doing Paris Hilton and other girls the way dogs do each other, followed by reading poetry and shopping on ebay. Or something like that.

I'm delighted to see 'my humps' is #21. Thongs is #32.

Now, you might be bored out of your tree at this point, wondering why the hell I'm going on about search words. Except for the "increase blog traffic" angle. But I actually think this is a valuable writer tool. Keen insight into the human psyche. Who knew so many people were searching for 'my humps' when the word 'sex' isn't even in the top 100? And oh my, 'my chemical romance' is #67. What the hell is that? And no doubt John and others will be laughing at me, but pussycat dolls? #130 on the long-term list, and I haven't a clue what those are, and I'm not sure I want to know.

Really, I'm shocked. My pure virgin mind is on overload.

People blog for all kinds of reasons. Some blog to help others. Some blog to feel important. Some do it for marketing and communication purposes. Others haven't got a clue.

When I started, I didn't know why I was doing this. Since then, my blog has evolved into this monstrosity of baring my thoughts to all you poor, poor, unsuspecting people out there.

I'm glad I started this. Not only is it a record of what I do and the high and low points of my life and what I'm learning about writing and the business side of things, its also a great way to connect with people.

And you never know. If you make a point of using those key search words routinely, you might have a subconscious marketing advantage - after all, people have been known to look at a book and say "that name sounds familiar" and buy it.

Personally, I'm inclined to believe anyone typing Sandra sex into google has a "conservative librarian turned wild" sex fantasy. Maybe if I write a book that includes that, I'll really boost my blog hits.

And now, Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information with your colleagues and employees, you may prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The Nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Butt Cheek Blues*

It's time to start thinking "bathing suit season" everyone.

Which means it is also time to consider those rolls.

Not the ones you eat with dinner** or any past conquests in hay or other strange places.

No, nothing as nice as those things. Something far easier to acquire that isn't as appetizing or appealing.

One of the hardest things for me about last week was that I couldn't work out in the morning. Well, I couldn't really do anything. But I feel a lot better if I just buckle down, get up at 4:30 when evilkev does (this is why he's evil) and putter around cyberspace until I'm awake enough to have sufficient coordination so I won't hurt myself by falling down a flight of stairs*** or something.

Now, I have luxury. Yup, a whole 230 feet of sidewalk I have to shovel when it snows, plus a double driveway, plus the inner sidewalk on our property out to the dog pen and between the back and front doors and way off to the lane where we put out the garbage. I don't call it luxury when we get a pile of snow, though. I call it the complete stupidity of living in the country and not having purchased a condo. It takes me forever to mow the lawn come summertime.

But the sad reality is the older I get, the more I need to do. And working at a computer all day only helps Jenny Craig and the Plus-Size stores and the people who make those weight-control shakes.

So, with that, I've come up with some extra tips for all of us office-bound folk, for how we can battle the beer bellies and the thigh flab. And the best thing is that wherever possible, I've tried to integrate things we all have so that this is an ultra-cheap work-out routine I'm giving you for free**** out of the goodness of my heart.

Sandra's Office Aerobics Plan
by Sandra Ruttan^

Stretches

The Monitor Manuever
Tilt your monitor sideways, or reprogram the desktop to rotate in a counter-clockwise motion so that you can get those head rolls and neck stretches in.

Tower Toe Tap
Place your computer tower as far away from where you regularly sit as possible, just within kicking reach so that you fully extend the leg when you have to reboot it.

Shelf Stretch
Move your handy resource books onto a shelf barely within reach so you have to fully extend your arms in order to grasp the books you need - it allows for the laziness of remaining seated like having the shelves right beside you used to, but gives you a good torso stretch.

Upper Body

Biceps
Disable the damn computer functions and buy the enlarged version of the dictionary and thesaurus and use- access a minimum of 12 times daily before you're allowed to use the computer spellcheck again.
**If you want to get really funky, lie on the floor with your arms outstretched, the thesaurus on one side and the dictionary on the other. Pick them up and lift them both, keeping your arms straight as you bring them together in front of you. Try to guess which book weighs more. Then slowly lower your arms, turn your body around so the books are on the opposite side and repeat. This particular exercise is vastly entertaining when drunk.

Triceps
Place your waste basket as far away as possible, so that any candy bar wrappers, chip bags and shake cans have to be weighed down before thrown, requiring extra effort. Be sure to put your recycling bin beside the waste basket for the pop cans and beer bottles.

Arm extensions: option 1
Gum up your mouse so that you have to work twice as hard to get your pointer across your screen - good for a writer's version of "wax on" - you'll have to work it in the other direction as well for "wax off".

Arm extensions: option 2
Use two desks. Put your computer at the far left end of the left desk, your mouse on the middle of the right desk so that you have to do a full extension to reach it. Reverse for people left-handed.

Push-ups (involves leg exercises)
You must have a swivel chair, so that you can spin round and round and round and round by pushing off the floor with your foot, until you fall off the chair. Then do a push up and climb back on. Spin in the opposite direction. Again, this exercise is particularly easy and interesting when you've been drinking heavily.


Those Abs

Reach Down
Raise your chair up a foot higher than you need it. Exhale as you lower your body down towards your knees, type, then inhale as you straighten back up. Do this between posting 20 comments daily on
Mark Billingham's Talk Zone
MG's Blog
Dana's Blog
Trace's Blog
Stephen's Blog (and follow the title too for an extra workout - John's in southeast England if you can catch him)
Daniel's Blog.

Plus visit Stuart. Laugher is, after all, great for the abs.

And if you can type sideways, then do this with your knees full chair width apart, lowering your self to the left knee and typing, then swiveling the chair and lowering yourself to the right knee and typing. This gives you the side ab workout.

Lower Ab Lift
Once you've done the required reps on the arms, place your dictionary and thesaurus at your feet, along with your beer and wine glass. Whenever you need one of these items, use only your feet to lift it up. Breathing out while lifting the feet up together targets the lower abs. Just make sure you use a big plastic sheet under your desk if you don't have one already. And it is definitely easier without socks.

Cardio and constructive uses for rejection letters

Exercise Ball Bounce
So what if you have to buy an exercise ball and get a little workout video? Plaster the ball with rejection letters and work that baby until you've sweated (and if you're a guy, farted) all over those letters. Take back the power.

Boxing, Head-butting and Kick-boxing
Get a punching back - plaster with reject letters and punch, kick and butt your frustration away.

Dart board
This is a no-brainer. Save it for the person who tells you your work is absolutely shit without explanation. The letter can be replaced with David Hasselfhoff album covers and George Michael posters on occasion.

Basketball
This one's a no-brainer. Put the hoop over your garbage can.

Liquid Jiggle **Perfect for the butt cheeks**
Drink 2 litres of water, then set a timer for 60 minutes. You can't get up to go to the bathroom until the timer goes off. If you aren't mopping, you will be wiggling up a storm, which is great for working the butt cheeks.

No doubt, I'll think of more after I've gone to bed. But do you have some office exercise suggestions? Fire away!

**Beer Bottle Bowling
Bending over and using the proper arm and leg technique is all good, as long as you can get back up. And you can use a variety of balls for this one, with or without plastered rejection letters.

Cheek Spreader
Pry those suckers as far apart as you can and sit down. Gradually tighten up the cheeks until you've got the padding under you instead of squished out to the sides. Then stand, pry, sit and repeat. And do stand. Don't cheat and do the cheek shift on the chair. Standing calls those leg muscles into action.

*And for some simple advice - move the plug-in fridge to the other side of the room! And the phone! Plus, replace your kitchen cabinets with only upper cupboards so that you have to get a step to reach them, thus incorporating stair-stepping into your daily routine.

And if you leave a number of things scattered on the stairs, you get the side to side varied muscle use of an obstacle course."

Laugh the abs off
One morning Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies," I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.
He replies confidently,"How about a quickie?"

"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude! You're starting to talk like Mr. Clinton! You are a pig and I am disgusted!"

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced "quiche".

^ All rights reserved, yaddi yadda. Past elsewhere, just tell everyone I'm brilliant.
* Inspired by fan mail from an admirer*****
** Though they probably don't help
*** Yes, I've done it, and I don't need you asking and bringing the trauma back!
****Don't send sweaty socks, send a picture of the six-pack abs
*****Not totally true, but I'm sticking with it

All Bets Are Off

This could be my shortest blog entry ever.

Except I'm going to put a joke on, so likely not.

Now, after hours of cursing, swearing, conjuring spirits and resorting to drink, I think I figured out what the problem was yesterday.

Blogger.

Okay, here's the thing. I finally wiped all the code and put in new code by selecting the same template. Guess what? It did the same thing.

I tried another template - same template family, different colours.

Also infected with the disease.

So, I tried a different template. Voila. And another template. Which worked as well.

Then I swore some more because I wasn't happy with the colours or the layout or someone I know already uses it, so after I stopped with the hissy fit, I finally got it sorted out.

I hope.

Now, somebody spoil my day and tell me it isn't working again. Go on, I dare you.

But isn't it appropriate that yesterday's post was "PLOT TWIST" and blogger threw me a hell of a curve ball?

Right. Now the joke. For Boy Kim, who didn't drop by yesterday. I'm going to spam him later if he doesn't get his butt over here.

And Erik, please tell me you can see Butt Cheek Blues now!

And James, I'm really honoured that you went through so much effort.

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the customer is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.

She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the ! Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

(Don't throw tomatoes, just money.)

Plot Twist

Whenever I interview an author, I always ask them how they plot their books. Stuart MacBride uses mindmaps. Laura Lippman belongs to the distant shores camp. Other writers I know prefer to plan meticulously.

And some fly by the seat of their pants.

A few days ago I received a newsletter from an author.* In it, the author talked about having trouble with their last two books, how the usual approach they had to plotting just wasn't working.

"I was so embarrassed about the whole thing, I pretended it just wasn't happening. I was nonchalant when asked about the book, insouciant about its potential delivery date. It was awful. I wasn't sleeping properly, I was avoiding other writers and I felt like a fraud. It was desperation in the end that got me moving. I couldn't go on pretending to write the damn thing forever. I forced myself to my desk and made myself do it."

Now, this is an author with over twenty books to their credit. And here they were, struggling, feeling like a fraud. How could anyone with the sales record and track record for awards and positive reviews that this writer has feel like a fraud?

This writer eventually discovered that what they'd been going through had been a shift in plotting technique, described like this: "Imagine you're setting off at night to drive somewhere. You know where you are heading, you know the way there. But you can only see a small part of the road lit up ahead of you. And as you drive forward, the road reveals itself piece by piece until you finally reach your destination.

And that is the kind of writer I seem to have become. I am now, it appears, a night driver."

I am so touched by the humility I see in authors on a regular basis. Oh, I'm sure there are some who don't want to hear even constructive criticism, who never seem to question their talents.

They just don't seem to be the authors I know. This same author said in the newsletter, "Now, I have always maintained that writing is a process in which we never arrive at the destination. Every book is a challenge to do better or to do different than before. Every book is an opportunity to learn the mistakes of the past (and of other writers!) and to push harder at the limits of one's capabilities."

Indeed, every single thing we write is a new challenge. We can't rest on our past success. We have to keep working at our craft.

It's like muscle development. Use it, or lose it. It's that simple. And if you want the defined six pack, you're going to have to do more than regular sit-ups to get it.

I'm the type of person who wants to go give someone struggling a big hug. I wanted to go over to this writer's house and bring cookies and tea and sit them down on the couch and let them tell me about their problems.

It sounds cheesy, I know. That's just me. I really feel it when an author tells me they're struggling. Like a few months back, I heard that from one of my favourite authors. And he actually posted about it on his website.

Really, it impresses me so much that these authors that I respect, and some of whom I've had the privilege of meeting, share their insecurities. For a novice like me, it makes me realize just how much room there is for growth, but it also gives me hope that it's okay I don't know it all...because there will never be a moment that "I've arrived" as a great writer. There will be moments (I hope) when I achieve more than I have in the past, when I take a big step forward with my abilities.

But the journey is lifelong.

And that shouldn't depress us. It should encourage us. We start with what we know.

And then we strive to do better, and take it from there.

Now tell me. How do you plot your murders? Or are you a crime-of-passion writer?
(ie: how do you plot your work? Meticulous detail with forensic evidence considered, or kill now, figure out how to clean up later?)

And to lighten things up, some oldies, but still funnies:

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN .......

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait 'til they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him


* I don't know about the etiquette of this. It's a free newsletter, anyone could get it. I just don't know if the author would want to be named here or not... I mean, it isn't like it's a secret. But I also don't know that, for the purpose of this post, it matters if people know who it was or not. So I'll tell anyone who desperately wants to know and emails me - how does that sound?

Roast Feet, Anyone?

It's hard to believe, but a few years ago, I was a complete newbie to forums.

And before last July when I was corrupted by Stuart MacBride, I didn't know my way around blogs.

In the time since I first started participating on forums, I've learned plenty. Some of it, the hard way. By making big mistakes. Like using my real name. I've always been a pretty open person, but that's not always a good thing in cyberland.

Over time, I've had to come up with some rules for myself to try to reduce the likelihood of posting things I'll regret later. One of those rules came about because of a reading group I was participating in. The one book discussed, I had some real problems with it. I found it hard to walk the line, to express the problems I had with the book without having it twisted so it sounded like I was trashing the author. But I mean, when people keep pushing certain points, you either answer the question or say you can't talk about it anymore.

And ultimately, I've said some things that I wish I could take back.

Because sometimes, you can't get into a book for no reason other than your back hurts this weekend, or you've been so busy with work your brain is fried, or you've been struggling with insomnia and find reading hard. Sometimes, I'm in the mood for certain books, certain tv...and so when I try a book, it might not be the best time for it. Next week might be better.

Or maybe the book just isn't for me. That does happen.

But it doesn't necessarily mean the author failed. It may just mean that it isn't exactly to my preferred style. If I'd tried reading Wire in the Blood two years before I did, I don't know if I could have stomached it. It wouldn't have been the writing, it just would have been the shock. And I love Val McDermid.

I think we have to be open-minded. Our opinions change over time. Even in my 30's, I don't know it all. My tastes have changed dramatically over the years. I have to be prepared that an author that isn't tickling my fancy today might be one I'm gushing over two years from now.

This is why I'm uncomfortable with seeing people make harsh, judgmental statements on forums and blogs. "His books are shite." "She's a hack." "I know four-year-olds that write better than so-and-so." Oh boy.

I had a BIG REALITY CHECK this week. An author mentioned to me they'd read some comments about their books on a forum I've been active on for a few years.

It didn't matter that I really admire and respect this author and this author's work. I had one of those, "Oh my god" moments when I thought, "What the hell are you doing reading that forum?"

Well, it is a free country. Authors can read whatever forums they want to...

But I do wish that people would stop and think for a moment before they post. That they'd say, "How would I feel if I said this and turned to find so-and-so standing right behind me? Would I phrase it differently?" And then act accordingly.

The truth of the matter is, whether we're working in special education or as writers or teachers or marketing managers or being parents or lovers or a friend, there are days we fall short. There are days we wish we could take back words and do things differently.

As writers, we have those moments too.

Sometimes, the pressure to meet deadlines, external distractions, experimentation that doesn't pan out effectively...even an editor that's having a rough time - these can all be things that impact the quality of our work.

Every author I know works really hard. Puts pressure on themselves. Tries to improve.

I recently put this question to Mark Billingham over on his talk zone:
Hi Mark,

I'm curious to know what you find most challenging about writing. Is it coming up with the ideas or do you put a lot of pressure on yourself to improve your storytelling and writing with each book? Or do you find other forms of writing (eg short stories) more difficult?

Just being generally nosey.
Sandra

and this was Mark's response:
Sandra,

It's certainly not the ideas, though heaven knows I wish I had a lot more of them. It's definitely just a question of trying to improve as a writer; to write a better book. There ARE pressures, some of them commercial of course, but at the end of the day you're always trying to raise your own personal bar. I can't believe any writer doesn't at least set out at the start of a new novel with that ambition. OK, there are a few who clearly don't give a toss as long as they continue to sell, but all the writers I admire are always ready to admit that they can get better and will strive to do so. Sadly of course, we often fail but there you are. What I ALWAYS find challenging is starting a book. It doesn't matter how many books you've already written, it only takes a few weeks without writing to forget that you can do it at all. You spend the first hundred pages feeling like a novice...

Mark

Now, that's someone who has book 6 coming out in a few months, book 7 is being written at the moment. So even for those who've got an established writing career, they're putting pressure on themselves to do better.

I totally respect the sincere effort. I can relate.

So next time you read something that impresses you, maybe tell the author.

And maybe when you read a book that doesn't quite live up to what you hoped, bite your tongue and give them a second chance.

We are, after all, only human. Doing our best, one word at a time.

Make way for the ringmaster and his pet monkey

John Rickards has launched Mystery Circus. Complete with a high-wire act and Stuart MacBride in tights.*

Check it out! Right after you read my post. And comment. And check out Mark Billingham's talk zone. Because Mark's a really nice guy.

And I said so.

* I might be lying about that.

The Friday Files

All the way from Australia comes a little story of an insurance claim nightmare. Leaping Crocodile Slams Into Car. Now, exactly how do you file that? Act of God's creation gone horribly wrong?

And I thought Kate should be worried about the kangaroos! Was death by flying crocodile not on that survey either?

In other news...
Mark Billingham's talk zone is now up and running. Even if you don't know Mark's work, drop by for a range of chatter on everything from football (read soccer), music, writing to jokes. Mark isn't just a kick-ass crime writer, he's also a comedian, and he's got some interesting choices for preferred superpowers.

Though I think he left off mind-control over the readers and reviewers.

The Sad News
I was debating when to put this up. Some of you know my dear friend Alison's father was diagnosed with cancer before Christmas. He passed away at the age of 57. I'll be returning to Vancouver sometime after the funeral to spend time with her, likely in a few weeks, but I'll let you know about that once we've made plans.

Back Update
Okay, the truth is, I put my back out shoveling the snow. At least, that's how I think I did it. But it is on the mend. I can now manage 5 minutes of typing without spasms. Wahoo. Bring on the manuscript editing...

And now, the Friday Funnies Because although life is filled with good and bad, ups and downs, its still good to smile. And because typing out some long, opinionated post is going to put me in pain, so I'd rather cut and paste some jokes.

And because you guys do such a great job of cheering me up when I'm down, so I hope I can return the favour in some small part. I've had a really rough week, one where I thought about quitting the writing, running away and joining the circus (only Rickards didn't invite me) and one where I ended up duking it out with some people elsewhere in blogdom. I did send my apologies to JA Konrath, but I should apologize here. I let my emotions get the better of me, and I'm sorry. I'm just glad it wasn't 'in person' or I'd have the medical bills to deal with after kicking your a- ahem. Sorry.

Right, then. The jokes. Some old, no doubt, but hopefully one or two that make you smile.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
(Of course . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
BEAST
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

And Now...
Repeat after me: I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never co mplain about MY kids again .. I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kid s again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ... I will never complain about MY kids again . I will never complain about MY kids again ...


And, a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY old man! Nephew Athaniel has turned 7! I expect 4-digit multiplication to follow within the month.


Niece Arriel, 11 (wants to be a CSI), nephew Athaniel, 7 (wants to be rich), nephew Dashiell, 7 months, who will be corrupted by his Aunt Sandra to live up to his namesake and be a great crime writer.

I'll Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours

From the top shelves* of porn to the semi-pornographic tv commercials to the suggestive ads for everything from perfume to chocolate bars, one thing should be abundantly clear to anyone: sex sells.

Yesterday, I got some spam in one of my email accounts. I usually delete the stuff right away, unread. But this one give me a good laugh. The subject line read:

SHY TO FCUK WITH UR SHORT GUN? L0NGER 3" INSTANTLY hard

Personally, I don't think I need 3 inches. Sure would be nice if they did some limited checking on their spamming - "Oh, Sandra...never in the history of mankind has a guy been named Sandra. Likely doesn't need this drug."

Though the "Shy to fuck" part struck a nerve with me. Because when I was writing my first mystery ms, I had this rule in my head, "No sex. My characters are all virgins. Unless they have kids. In which case it was cloning."

Okay, a little extreme, but I really had this issue with writing a sex scene. For some reason, more than anything else that I've written- the rapes, the murders, the body of a baby being dug up - the idea of writing a consensual sex scene flipped me out.

I couldn't help thinking that there would be some part of a reader's brain thinking, "This is how she likes it."

Which is why I felt that Stuart MacBride did an absolutely brilliant thing in his debut novel, Cold Granite (Which, if you haven't bought yet, what's wrong with you? Do I have to come beat you with a stick? Ooops, just gave Boy Kim an excuse to wait.) I'm not going to spoil it for anyone who hasn't read it yet, but it is truly one of the most original and hilarious ways to deal with the whole sex issue in a book. Damn him for thinking of it first.

When I was discussing this with a friend of mine, she told me about a friend of hers who used to write Harlequins. When they'd give out dialogue pages and say what was okay and what wasn't. So using the word penis was definitely out. But "throbbing manhood" was an acceptable substitution. WTF? Throbbing manhood? Throbbing...sounds like a dull ache in your chest, like when you have heartburn, or that number version of a headache, like one that's lingering in the background beating the drum, building, warning you that a full-blown migraine is on the way.

Which definitely doesn't sum up any of my, er, experience.

A few re-writes later, I got over my inhibitions. I still feel really awkward about the sex lives of my characters, though. I guess I feel like it hasn't got much to do with the main focus of the story (solving some crime or another) and it isn't something I really need to know about. Off-hand, the only book I can think of with a sex scene that's really relevant to the plot or character is Ian Rankin's Knots and Crosses, because of the memory trigger. Someone will probably throw another one at me I'm densely overlooking, but that's the one sex scene that comes back to me that makes sense in a book. "And now for sensible sex with Ian Rankin..." More than one way to read that line.

Not that some of the other ones weren't, um, interesting. I'm strictly talking about plot relevance here.

I wonder how everyone else deals with the issue of intimacy in their writing. Any inhibitions? Any research required? Do you feel it's something you have to put in there** or would prefer to skip entirely***? What does your spouse say about it?

You guys should all know by now that Kevin's given up trying to put a muzzle on me. Although the blog is one thing. When it comes to the books he says, "You know, my Mother will read this some day."

"And she'll start to wonder if we have sex?"

"SANDRA!"

I always know I'm in trouble when I get called 'Sandra' instead of 'Bear'.

I swear, it's my evil twin that posts most of this. Must be the nice one that writes the ms's... And on that note, my horoscope:

Daily Overview for February 01, 2006
Gemini

Quickie:
Get ready for a big change. A new career opportunity will start brewing this month.

Overview:
Timing is everything in relationships, whether you're dealing with coworkers, family, casual acquaintances or lovers. Learn to pick up on nonverbal cues so you can strike while the iron is hot.

I don't actually read my daily horoscope or anything, but this is one time I'd like it to be right. And since evilkev's also a Gemini, there are really four of us in this relationship, so any forewarning of trouble is a big plus.

* Thank you John Rickards for educating me about porn. I'm in your debt. You're the man. Anyone who needs porn info should talk to John. If not this one, any old John will likely do. Just hit the local streets where the girls work and you'll find them.

** Yeah, yeah, I know I just asked for it. Bring on the cheap shots...

*** In your writing. What you do at home, I don't need to know about. Unless you're on Crime Writer House with John, Stuart and Russel. Oh, I bet James is really glad he isn't writing crime at the moment, though we could make an exception because of his DI McLean short stories. We'll have Stuart sautéing away with nothing but a pink apron, leather thong and bare backside, James with his sheep. Russel will be lost in the closet, buried under John's condom collection, likely screaming in horror. And that's the only stuff tame enough for me to mention on my blog. Which is really saying something, considering this is my blog.

I'm going to end it all

Thanks Trace - whom I wish much success with the launch of her ebook, Repo Chick Blues. Sorry I won't be around to see its success, but it's nice to know I won't drown. I have a fear of drowning, ever since I almost drowned when I was 10.

** I'm not displaying the graph because it doesn't work properly.

But here's the conclusion:

You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you want to know hwo you will commit suicide, take a look at your second highest percentage on the bar graphs.
Suicide - 87%
Gunshot - 80%
Bomb -73%
Posion - 67%
Disease - 67%
Stabbed - 60%
Cut Throat - 53%
Disappear - 40%
Accident - 40%
Eaten - 40%
Suffocated - 27%
Natural Causes - 20%
Drowning - 7%
How Will You Die??

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