Friday, March 07, 2008

Ah, The Evil In Me (& more Uncle Charlie memorial jokes)

Ah, I always knew great photos of Deric Ruttan would surface, from back when his hair was longer than mine. Unfortunately, via pdf, so I had to put them on my website. They're here and here.

This is probably why my relatives don't speak to me.

Although things are still in process for transferring Spinetingler, I've done a bit of an update about some of the changes.

I'm not going to apologize for being a wee bit irritated this week. When the same people e-mail again and again and again and again, and seem to think I should want to take my time to create free advertising for them in Spinetingler, and promote their book (that I haven't read, because I never got a review copy) on my blog they've burned a bridge. Hell, my friends don't even ask me to do that stuff for them.

You can't stop me from coming on here and expressing my enthusiasm for anything I love - book, song, album, movie, drop-dead gorgeous guy - but if there is one thing I can promise any reader, it's that if I'm enthusiastic, it's genuine, because I'm a fan of the work, not because someone asks me.


More from Uncle Charlie - as always, politically incorrect, potentially offensive, but I know he'll be chuckling from the other side.

Heartwarmer

This will warm your heart, especially if you have lost faith in
human kindness.

This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary
school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had
received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing
to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you
know who might need a lift today.


Dear Faculty and Students,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Living Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and its nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you. Thank you for that opportunity,
Sincerely,
Agnes

Kitchen Bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "all you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now. cause this is the last stop!"

And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

A horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS."

"When you come out, you may play with your train.. but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say.

"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue. "For those of you boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen

Problem Solved

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house; I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY" and she acts like she is asleep every time."

The Cure For Snoring

A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah, right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him, so she goes to the closet again, She grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband
wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were,or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"



Yellow, Pink & Green

Mujibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration. The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the Canada."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Sympatico help desk. I talked to him yesterday.

Newfie Se Therapy

A Newfoundland couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally,after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask.

Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Blue Cross."

A Clean Nun Joke

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said,"If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Now, in honour of Uncle Charlie's memory, I think everyone should order the 2009 Nude Police Officer Calender now. It's for a good cause.

The all nude police officer calendar for 2009 is now available!

The all nude police officer calendar for 2009 comes in an all-male and an all-female version for only $8.95, (plus $3.45 for shipping & handling). $5.00 from each sale goes to the National Police Officer Memorial Fund.

All pictures show full frontal nudity, for both female and males. Just click on the menu to select which one you want to preview. They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers.

Click here to view all 12 (24) totally nude police officers.

Gender Objects

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender:.
For example:
1) Ziploc Bags- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.

2) Copiers- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the
right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
pushed.

3) Tires- Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain
water.

6) Web Page- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
up.

8) Hourglass- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

9) Hammer- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Newfie Lubricant

Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland, Murph's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said, "Hey, Murph! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!" Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too...." Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murph, you just had yourself another boy!"

Murph said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?" The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception." Murph said, "Ah yeah, during conception"

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil." She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night" Murph said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's a fookin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!"

The Female Perspective

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)
You're laughing, aren't you?

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Two Blondes Chatting

Two blondes from Newfoundland were chatting.

One blonde asks another,"Which is further,Vancouver... or the Moon?"

The other replies: "HELLOOOOO, Can you see Vancouver?"

Cop Humour

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift super visor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

5 comments:

Picks By Pat said...

Those were wonderful! I never knew Canadians had such a wicked sense of humor. Must be something in the water.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Glad you enjoyed them. Canada actually produces a lot of comedians. Jim Carrey, John Candy, Tom Green, to name a few. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Canadian_comedians

Maybe it is something in the water.

RAC said...

There's not anything in the water--it's those long damned winters, I'll betcha.

Randy Johnson said...

Fuunny! I guess I'm a porn freak. I had to bite to see the punch line.

Sandra Ruttan said...

RAC, that actually explains a lot. ;)

Randy, the porn freak is classic. Simply classic.