Friday, January 04, 2008

The Blurbs You’ll Never See

“She was good in bed and I liked her book.”

“Well, reading it beats listening to my wife nag me.”

“Sure it sucked, but worked well with the paper mache recipe on page 127.”

“Incredibly inconveniently packaged toilet paper.”

“Makes a better doorstop.”

“Great value for the money. It took my dog weeks to chew through this one.”

Your* turn. Any classic blurbs you have seen on books, or things you can think of that would never be used as a blurb? I must confess, a personal favourite I received from a reader was, She's no Dan Brown.

* Yes, it should be your, not you're... But that still doesn't take the cake for the biggest slip-up ever for me. The other one was sexual, though, so I've suppressed it. Personally heated the house for about a week, though.

20 comments:

Brian said...

This is an actual blurb

"If little blurbs like this actually affect your way of thinking, you're a sheep and a follower -- so fulfill your damn destiny already, pick up this beautiful book, and go pay for it. Really, I'm sad for you." -- Brad Meltzer, Author of Justice League and The Book of Fate.

Also Crooked Little Vein has some of the best blurbs ever.

Sandra Ruttan said...

I love that blurb.

John McFetridge said...

Dave Barry's "Big Trouble" had about forty newspaper reviews (back in the days when forty newspapers reviewed books) and blurbs comparing it to an Elmore Leonard novel and then the blurb from Elmore: "Should I be getting a piece of this?"

Steve Allan said...

"This is a great book... for me to poop on!"

Sandra Ruttan said...

LOL John - priceless.

Now Steve, that could be a real selling feature to parents with toddlers...

Lyman said...

On the jacket of Daniel Handler's book ADVERBS, Dave Eggers is quoted as saying, "...Anyone who lives to read gorgeous writing will want to lick this book and sleep with it between their legs.”

Um, yeah... and why precisely did the publisher think this was a good blurb?

Anonymous said...

Never mind read that book, i want to date it!
chel

Steven T said...

"This book will stir up deep emotions within you..."

"I laughed and I cried...mostly, I cried..."

"I couldn't turn the pages fast enough..."

"If you're standing in the bookstore with this book in your hand and money in your pocket, then you might as well..."

"The cover is nice..."

Sandra Ruttan said...

OMG, you guys are killing me! Too funny.

Jim Winter said...

"Buy lots of copies of this book so I don't have to work with the author anymore."

norby said...

If you've got nothing better to do...

norby said...

Oooh, wait-

There are worse books.

If the opinion of someone you've never met or heard of is really influencing whether or not you buy this book, then your money is better spent on therapy you easily influenced fool.

I'm only saying I like this book because I'm getting paid for it.

Don't buy this book, get it from the library.

It's a great bathroom book.

This self-help book will have you feeling like a million bucks in no time or your money back, assuming you have the guts to return it. (Sorry, that's more of a sales pitch, but I couldn't resist)

trinity67 said...

Shouldn't it be your turn, not you're turn? Or is that the point?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Nope, you're dead right. The only point is that Sandra should wake up before she posts, and 5:28 is not my finest hour. Neither is 6:28... or 7:28 for that matter!

Austin Carr said...

The prose left me speechless.

Kept me up all night.

If you like thrills, try this nightmare...

Brian said...

In the spirit of the first one Sandra listed. A blurb you’ll never see.

“The only thing that sucked worse then this book was the author’s poor attempt at a blowjob when she drunkenly stumbled into my room two Bouchercons ago. In fact the only thing sloppier then watching her go down on my big toe is her prose. “

Sandra Ruttan said...

I bet you think nobody's going to read that one now, which is why you waited so long to post it!

Brian said...

I didn't want to type it at work. :)

Steve Allan said...

Just thought of this and had to post it here. The funniest comment I've ever given someone in a workshop was "it was so good that not only did I pee myself, I pooed a little too." Someday I hope he'll use that for a blurb for his book.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Brian, you're naughty.

Steve, OMG. If it was a book of bathroom jokes it would be brilliant.