I'll Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours

From the top shelves* of porn to the semi-pornographic tv commercials to the suggestive ads for everything from perfume to chocolate bars, one thing should be abundantly clear to anyone: sex sells.

Yesterday, I got some spam in one of my email accounts. I usually delete the stuff right away, unread. But this one give me a good laugh. The subject line read:

SHY TO FCUK WITH UR SHORT GUN? L0NGER 3" INSTANTLY hard

Personally, I don't think I need 3 inches. Sure would be nice if they did some limited checking on their spamming - "Oh, Sandra...never in the history of mankind has a guy been named Sandra. Likely doesn't need this drug."

Though the "Shy to fuck" part struck a nerve with me. Because when I was writing my first mystery ms, I had this rule in my head, "No sex. My characters are all virgins. Unless they have kids. In which case it was cloning."

Okay, a little extreme, but I really had this issue with writing a sex scene. For some reason, more than anything else that I've written- the rapes, the murders, the body of a baby being dug up - the idea of writing a consensual sex scene flipped me out.

I couldn't help thinking that there would be some part of a reader's brain thinking, "This is how she likes it."

Which is why I felt that Stuart MacBride did an absolutely brilliant thing in his debut novel, Cold Granite (Which, if you haven't bought yet, what's wrong with you? Do I have to come beat you with a stick? Ooops, just gave Boy Kim an excuse to wait.) I'm not going to spoil it for anyone who hasn't read it yet, but it is truly one of the most original and hilarious ways to deal with the whole sex issue in a book. Damn him for thinking of it first.

When I was discussing this with a friend of mine, she told me about a friend of hers who used to write Harlequins. When they'd give out dialogue pages and say what was okay and what wasn't. So using the word penis was definitely out. But "throbbing manhood" was an acceptable substitution. WTF? Throbbing manhood? Throbbing...sounds like a dull ache in your chest, like when you have heartburn, or that number version of a headache, like one that's lingering in the background beating the drum, building, warning you that a full-blown migraine is on the way.

Which definitely doesn't sum up any of my, er, experience.

A few re-writes later, I got over my inhibitions. I still feel really awkward about the sex lives of my characters, though. I guess I feel like it hasn't got much to do with the main focus of the story (solving some crime or another) and it isn't something I really need to know about. Off-hand, the only book I can think of with a sex scene that's really relevant to the plot or character is Ian Rankin's Knots and Crosses, because of the memory trigger. Someone will probably throw another one at me I'm densely overlooking, but that's the one sex scene that comes back to me that makes sense in a book. "And now for sensible sex with Ian Rankin..." More than one way to read that line.

Not that some of the other ones weren't, um, interesting. I'm strictly talking about plot relevance here.

I wonder how everyone else deals with the issue of intimacy in their writing. Any inhibitions? Any research required? Do you feel it's something you have to put in there** or would prefer to skip entirely***? What does your spouse say about it?

You guys should all know by now that Kevin's given up trying to put a muzzle on me. Although the blog is one thing. When it comes to the books he says, "You know, my Mother will read this some day."

"And she'll start to wonder if we have sex?"

"SANDRA!"

I always know I'm in trouble when I get called 'Sandra' instead of 'Bear'.

I swear, it's my evil twin that posts most of this. Must be the nice one that writes the ms's... And on that note, my horoscope:

Daily Overview for February 01, 2006
Gemini

Quickie:
Get ready for a big change. A new career opportunity will start brewing this month.

Overview:
Timing is everything in relationships, whether you're dealing with coworkers, family, casual acquaintances or lovers. Learn to pick up on nonverbal cues so you can strike while the iron is hot.

I don't actually read my daily horoscope or anything, but this is one time I'd like it to be right. And since evilkev's also a Gemini, there are really four of us in this relationship, so any forewarning of trouble is a big plus.

* Thank you John Rickards for educating me about porn. I'm in your debt. You're the man. Anyone who needs porn info should talk to John. If not this one, any old John will likely do. Just hit the local streets where the girls work and you'll find them.

** Yeah, yeah, I know I just asked for it. Bring on the cheap shots...

*** In your writing. What you do at home, I don't need to know about. Unless you're on Crime Writer House with John, Stuart and Russel. Oh, I bet James is really glad he isn't writing crime at the moment, though we could make an exception because of his DI McLean short stories. We'll have Stuart sautéing away with nothing but a pink apron, leather thong and bare backside, James with his sheep. Russel will be lost in the closet, buried under John's condom collection, likely screaming in horror. And that's the only stuff tame enough for me to mention on my blog. Which is really saying something, considering this is my blog.