Times when only a swear word will do

There are moments when "shucks darn" doesn't quite cut it.



And "fiddlesticks" falls far short of expressing how we truly feel.



I think it would be safe to say that there are times in the lives of each of us when our cheeks are burning, when we're seething with rage, when only a swear word seems appropriate.

Let me post the question: At the moment in time when that wheel fell off, do you think the driver was thinking, "Gee, that's too bad"?

More like "J-s-- Fcukin' C----t I'm gonna die!"

We humans are communicative creatures. We express ourselves physically, by flipping the bird, shooting darts with our eyes, smacking someone on the head...whatever. When we have those moments of crisis, the words that usually come out aren't nice.



So, would it be better for the parachutist to say, "Oh dear" if he said it with the same force and emotion as "fuck me"?

I ask because this is a contentious topic for writers. I recall at Harrogate last year, on the Sex and Violence panel, Mark Billingham talking about how people didn't complain about the murder or nature of the crime in the book, but they would write letters protesting the use of swear words.



This was something I struggled with during the early writing. I had two characters who, essentially, never swore. Boy it was hard for those two to express some things!

But generally speaking, I think that if you're writing police procedurals like I usually do, swear words are part of the package. It's part of the stress of the job. Things just come out that wouldn't necessarily come out in other circumstances.

Cops are, after all, only human. And those words say a lot.

I listen to radio traffic from emergency response teams. Anyone with a scanner can pick up police calls and sometimes, first responder action. I happen to know one of the people who responds to such calls around here, and I can hear those calls while I'm typing at my desk. One day, this reasonably mild-mannered, lay pastor for a local church was cursing over the radio. It was a stressful call, someone wasn't pulling their weight, he lost patience.

It happens. Anyone called out to clean a little bit of brain off the local highway might get a wee bit tense and let some colourful words slip.

And they can be forgiven for it.



Personally, I think the anti-cursing motto is a bit out of touch with reality. If you sit in bus stations or on commuter trains, walk through school hallways or get a drink in a coffee shop, the reality is you're going to hear people swearing. All the time. And for trivial things.

So is it really fair to expect our fictional cops - who we readers want to follow proper police procedure, to be believable in all other aspects of their portrayal - to smile and be polite when they're handling the stress of their jobs?

I don't think so. Our characters have to be real, first and foremost. Warts, flaws, cuss words and all.

Warning! Joke may contain four-letter words!
Two alligators were sitting in the swamp talking. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as  kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
 
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
 
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock  the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
 
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!