Traffic Signs & Corporate Lessons (hang in there - funnies included)

How do we get from A to Z on the web?

Easy. Flag down a traffic cop and ask for directions. Unless you're a man, in which case you keep driving around, hoping you can figure it out on your own.

Now, seriously, we rely on simple website names we can remember, google search engines and we hope that when we look for something, we can find without too much trouble.

I recently discovered the wonders of a sitemeter. Specifically, the map that shows you where people come on from, and how they get to your site.

Which proved FASCINATING to my little brain.

It turns out that people from Saudi Arabia and Ireland have accessed my site by typing the words Sandra sex in the google search engine. Someone from the Colorado State University ended up on my site searching for bunny disection. Turns out that rabmans or bunmans or humbits post I did a while back popped up in their search efforts.

And just yesterday, someone ended up on my site because they'd done a search for ball chair and someone else dropped by during a google search of the word butt.

All of which has given me this keen insight into how to draw more traffic to my blog. Clearly, I should be posting about sex as often as possible. Sex with bunnies on balls or chairs that somehow involves a reference to a butt. Which shouldn't be hard...

Somewhat more seriously, there are ways to draw traffic, if that's all you're looking for. You can check out the most-searched words on the web and sprinkle your posts with them.

For example, here's some of the top 500 words searched for last week:

Google. Ebay. Yahoo. Paris Hilton (why, I'll never know). Lyrics. Tattoo art (thanks to John Rickards making it a hot topic on his Mystery Circus). Myspace. Anna Benson (who?). Girls. zac efron. eminem. jenna jameson. yahoo.com (shouldn't it be obvious where to find that?)...

Well, you get the idea. Although, surprisingly enough, "high school music" and "from" are both in the top 30. As well as games, dogs, from and mapquest. Sex wasn't in the top 30, or 40, and it was even beat out by thongs (#47) and lingerie (#50). But there's more good news for me - bikini came in #65, so yesterday's post has some extra clout.

And breasts was #68, babes #72, women #83 and nudist #84.

How helpful is it to look back? Well, it depends. If you want to snag excess traffic what you really need to do is be blogging about stuff before it happens. But there is a list of the top 200 long-term, based on almost 403,000,000 searches from the past 100 days. How does it compare?

#1. Google
#2. Paris Hilton
#3. Ebay
#4. Yahoo.

Girls is #6. Dogs is #9. Amazingly, poetry is #5.

Which means that if you want to go for maximum hits with minimum words, you need to talk about doing Paris Hilton and other girls the way dogs do each other, followed by reading poetry and shopping on ebay. Or something like that.

I'm delighted to see 'my humps' is #21. Thongs is #32.

Now, you might be bored out of your tree at this point, wondering why the hell I'm going on about search words. Except for the "increase blog traffic" angle. But I actually think this is a valuable writer tool. Keen insight into the human psyche. Who knew so many people were searching for 'my humps' when the word 'sex' isn't even in the top 100? And oh my, 'my chemical romance' is #67. What the hell is that? And no doubt John and others will be laughing at me, but pussycat dolls? #130 on the long-term list, and I haven't a clue what those are, and I'm not sure I want to know.

Really, I'm shocked. My pure virgin mind is on overload.

People blog for all kinds of reasons. Some blog to help others. Some blog to feel important. Some do it for marketing and communication purposes. Others haven't got a clue.

When I started, I didn't know why I was doing this. Since then, my blog has evolved into this monstrosity of baring my thoughts to all you poor, poor, unsuspecting people out there.

I'm glad I started this. Not only is it a record of what I do and the high and low points of my life and what I'm learning about writing and the business side of things, its also a great way to connect with people.

And you never know. If you make a point of using those key search words routinely, you might have a subconscious marketing advantage - after all, people have been known to look at a book and say "that name sounds familiar" and buy it.

Personally, I'm inclined to believe anyone typing Sandra sex into google has a "conservative librarian turned wild" sex fantasy. Maybe if I write a book that includes that, I'll really boost my blog hits.

And now, Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information with your colleagues and employees, you may prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The Nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.