Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Someone Once Told Me The Reason People Like Sex In Books

...is to confirm that they’re normal. It’s a chance to peek into a bedroom without breaking a law.

I guess my philosophy is, as long as it’s legal and consensual just close the fucking door and no, I don’t really want to hear about it later.

Unfortunately, closing your eyes to the world doesn’t mean you aren’t affected by it. One of the things I’ve started doing is packing things up. And that means sorting through my extensive collection of stuffed animals – mostly bears.

I actually have a fair number of second-hand bears, because they’re collector bears. And that’s what makes this story all the more disturbing.

There are just some things that… never occur to me, and having sex with a stuffed dog is one of them. As I’m trying to decide what to keep and what to give away or put in a yard sale, I’m suddenly having second thoughts about letting anyone get their mangy paws on my stuffed animals.

But at least I can actually figure out how the guy did it. I’m not sure I even want to try to wrap my brain around how someone has sex with a bicycle.*

I mean, how do you have sex with a bicycle? And how do you have sex with pavements? (Same article as the bike.)

Whatever happened to people having sex with other people? Did that go out of fashion, and I missed the memo?

None of you are ever going to look at a vase the same way again.

* Thanks to Al Guthrie for passing on the link.


stevemosby said...

Obviously, the "cycle-sexualist", as the judge in the case quipped, is very amusing, but on the face of it this case seemed quite shocking to me. It seems an enormous waste of taxpayers money for a start - but also slightly worrying that a man can be stuck on the Sex Offenders Register for, basically, masturbating with an inanimate object. I know it was a hostel, and all that, but it was his room and he'd locked his door. If he'd been fucking someone, I don't imagine it would have gone this far.

I think we should all raleigh to his cause. Etc.

JamesO said...

What I still don't understand about the bicycle man was why he was put on the sexual offenders register. I mean, he was doing it in a locked room with an inanimate object - whatever it was that he was doing. Would they have put him on the register if he was pulling himself off over a jazz mag? I'd have thought that someone who was attracted to machinery in that way was a lot less dangerous than someone who likes barely legal pictures of naked girls.

I suspect it's one of those stories where the paper's not telling you everything. But even so it seems a bit harsh.

Surely having sex with a pavement would hurt?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Ooohhh, a pun to prove a point. It spoke to me.

It is puzzling that such a big deal has been made about it, though in hostels you usually share rooms, don't you? Anyway, I guess the difference may be in part being discretely under the covers with someone else, or standing in the middle of the room, exposed.

But the pupophile, that's weird. I feel certain the owner of the stuffed dog doesn't want it back.

Sandra Ruttan said...

James, the jokes about the pavement guy liking a hard time just write themselves.

I do remember when I was studying journalism there was a big argument over whether it was necessary to name someone charged with bestiality, in part because the man had a family.

I think all I could say is, if someone tried to get up close and personal with my dog, and my dog bit him, I certainly don't think my dog should be put down for it.

pattinase (abbott) said...

I actually don't like much explicit sex in books. Then I might find out I'm not doing it right. This belief is born of the bogus info my mother gave me at 10 and will never be undone.

Sandra Ruttan said...

I don't like sex in books because I'm a prude. : )

Al Guthrie said...

Us Scots are experimental. Not so long ago in Edinburgh there was a guy done for having sex with a traffic cone. In a public place. Apparently he couldn't get his hands on his favourite sex object, his shoes, and none of the passers-by would help him out with one of theirs, so he had to make do with the traffic cone.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Shoes? Guess he really has a foot fetish.

Randy Johnson said...

Reminds me of that old joke about the girl friend who wouldn't indulge my foot fetish. She was "lick-toes intolerant."

Sandra Ruttan said...


Next someone will tell me there's a whole group with nostril fetishes. Wait, please don't...

norby said...

And I thought it couldn't get weirder than furries. I'll explain later Sandra.

Yeah, the guy with the bicycle is mystifying. First of all-how? Sadly, I've been wondering about that much more than I really should have and I just can't figure it out. You do really think there must be more to the story though. It does seem a bit much to put him on the offender registry.

As for books, bring it on, not much bothers me.

Grant McKenzie said...

Really! You're thanking Al for passing that along ;-)

Sandra Ruttan said...

Well, when you put it that way, Grant, maybe not. ;)

Of course, the cone story outshines them all.

And Norby, I don't think I want to know.

KarenC said...

I wonder if some of the sex in books is just there to make us mere mortals feel inadequate :)

Then again I can never work out if the author is gloating or delusional about their own performance [VBEG]

Sandra Ruttan said...

Karen, I suspect much of it is wish fulfillment.

This is why I hardly ever write sex. Analyze me for avoidance, not performance technique! : )

norby said...

It's actually not that bad, just strange.