Friday, August 11, 2006

Bearded Wonderboy Doth Protest Too Much

Denial is a strange thing. The more someone denies an allegation, the more people wonder why they’re denying it. Imagine walking past a video store with a sign in the window that says, “We do NOT sell porn.”

I’d assume they did, or had at one point. Why assert yourself as what you allegedly aren’t? Reputable businesses assert themselves as what they are. They let the truth bear witness.

It’s almost impossible to prove a negative. Nevertheless, the Bearded Wonderboy is giving it a go. Looks like the phrase de jour is Rabid Rankin Fanatic Fan Front – I wish he’d stick with the same title. Consistency, Stuart.

But it isn’t even them he’s really taking issue with. Something about a criminal records check…

I’ve had so many criminal records checks done they’re old hat. Wait. That doesn’t sound good, does it? Bear in mind every time I had new clients or switched jobs in my career, I had to have one done. (I worked in education, for anyone who doesn't know already!)

I can see why people would want to take some precautions where Stuart’s concerned. I mean, if you’ve read his books… Even Val McDermid said she almost lost her breakfast reading Stuart’s latest. That’s why the book is called Dying Light.

Side note. You know everyone knew that Stuart was the Bearded Wonderboy, but some didn’t know the name of the Author Formerly Known As God. I’m astonished.

Anyway, Stuart once moaned that I’d stop reading his blog because I’m so famous now (Where do people get this insane idea?) and I didn't have time for him.

Then at Harrogate, every time he saw me he demanded, “More pictures of Stuart.”

So, I decided to blog about Stuart today, to prove I haven’t forgotten him. Despite the fact that my brain is completely fried. I’ve been transcribing audio interview… I will do just about anything to take a break from transcription. Even editing. If it wasn’t raining, I’d consider gardening.

And in completely unrelated news, I received a response to a query today, inviting me to submit my work. Hmmm. Wonder how long that one was out there? Obviously a while…

And blogging about Stuart gives me an excuse to post kitty pictures.

But first, jokes.

This one is courtesy of Miss Ginsu Tongue

A dedicated Teamsters' union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

A Relatively Polite Joke From JT Ellison, who has a new post up at Murderati

Warning! This joke is from Stephen Allan… and involves an adult toy shop.

It's the first day of work for a new clerk at a dildo shop. The manager has been training him all day and is getting ready to leave the clerk to tend the store for the afternoon.

"Just remember," the manager says, "the white dildos are $25 and the black ones are $50."

The manager leaves and the clerk's first customer comes in.

The customer asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

The clerk says, "That's $25."

"How much for the black dildo?"

"That's $50."

"I'll take a white one."

The clerk rings up the sale.

A little while later another customer comes in.

The second customer asks, "How are the white dildos?"

The clerk says, "Well, the white ones are $25."

"And how much for the black dildos?"

"Those are $50."

"I'll take a black one."

The clerk rings up the sale.

A third customer comes into the shop.

The third customer asks, "How much for the white dildo?"


"How much for the black dildo?"


"And how much for the silver dildo."

"Well, that one's a $100."

"I'll take the silver one."

The clerk rings up the sale.

At the end of the day the manager returns and asks the clerk how he did.

The clerk says, "Well, I sold a white one for $25, I sold a black one for $50 and I sold my thermos for a hundred bucks!"


Anonymous said...

Stuart is rather proud about having had a background check done. Kind of makes you wonder what he's gotten away with. Norby

anne frasier said...

stuart is going to be at once upon a crime in minneapolis this month. i've never read any of his books -- i'll have to tell him sandra sent me. ;)

s.w. vaughn said...

Kitties!!! :-)

Poor, unloved Stuart... LOL. Sandra, you're so sweet!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Excellent point Norby! Does make you wonder!

Anne, do go see Stuart and tell him that! And if you end up feeling so inclined to try his books (Cold Granite has one of the funniest sex... or was that sex?... scenes in it I've ever read) ask him to draw you a picture in the front. Tell him I said you would. (He'll just grumble at me and since it will be ages before I see him again, he'll forget by then.)

I mean, check out his website, extras, Skeleton Bob and you'll see how talented he is!

Thanks SW! My husband would disagree today. He says I'm the definition of surly. :) Stuart just loves attention.

Patrick Shawn Bagley said...

Am I the only who feels unclean after reading a dildo joke while there's a picture of Sandra as a little kid up in the corner? I'm going to go look up some counsellors in the yellow pages. See you later.

Sandra Ruttan said...

So you'd feel fine if it was a picture of me aged?

Good luck with the therapy. Hey - did you get any nasty fan fiction mail? I've heard they can be vicious...

Patrick Shawn Bagley said...

"So you'd feel fine if it was a picture of me aged?"

Er, I...uh, homina homina homina, um...sorry I hear the phone ringing, gotta go.

Patrick Shawn Bagley said...

Nope, no nasty fan fic mail. I'm a little disappointed.

Don't worry, though. If I do hear from any of them I'll be sure to publicly ridicule them.

Sandra Ruttan said...

LOL Patrick! I'd love to see that!

In fact, I should email you... Not to be nasty about your post. Er, uh, I'll explain later.

DesLily said...

Awww, great kitty pics!!

love the "woman waiting for the perfect man" pic lol.. it could also be anyone waiting for the perfect computer.. one that doesn't crash ever, never freezes up, no error messages etc..heh..(never gunna happen) those ladies in "waiting" have a better shot! lol

Sandra Ruttan said...

DesLily, the only advantage to a computer is that you can have it or any defective parts replaced under warranty!

Steve Allan said...

Dildos are funny.

Julia Buckley said...

Love the Stewart picture. I see that he is bearded, but what makes him a wonderboy? (Aside from his excellent writing). Is there a secret power?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Steve, if you say so.

Well Julia, Stuart's been on about his bearded wonderfulness for eons. So, I call him the Bearded Wonderboy.

Personally, I would love to see him with no facial hair. I bet he has chipmunk cheeks.

Mindy Tarquini said...

I cannot tell a lie that I think will eventually catch me out...

I stole that joke from Dana Bunion.

Well, she sent it to me. Then I stole it and sent it to you. I did that because I wanted your ARC. I'd have done anything for that ARC.

I feel

Sandra Ruttan said...

Mindy, I am honoured that you would lie to try to win my book!

That's persistence and determination, people!

You'll get another chance, Mindy. But I'd watch out for Angie, she's a tough competitor!

WannabeMe said...

Sandra, you look SOOOOO adorabable in that picture. Who knew a thriller writer lurked under those cute cheeks.

So if MG confessed, does that mean I get a chance at your ARC???

Sandra Ruttan said...

Dana, have you seen the evil gleam in my eye, though?

If Mindy had won, you would have had to fight her for it. We could have sold tickets, made it a fundraiser...

WannabeMe said...

Hey, you can buy the book MG and I are working on - it'll be like mud-wrestling, but with older, wrinkly women. =)

Mindy Tarquini said...

Oooo! Another chance to lie and cheat? Sandra! You really DO care...

Gabriele Campbell said...

Lovely pic of Bearded Wonder Boy. Is he talking to his nose doctor while you took it?

Sandra Ruttan said...

Dana, are there pictures?

MG, yes, I care. Occasionally!

Gabriele - you might be right. I'm surprised he hasn't offed the nose doctor by now!

Gabriele Campbell said...

I can tell him a few stories what the Germans did to the Roman officers they captured at Kalkriese.

No wonder Varus himself prefered suicide. I bet that nose butcher would, too. :)

Anonymous said...

Love both those jokes. They were great. Gees, the kittens have grown. So adorable.

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