Friday, December 15, 2006

Climax Now

There must be some cosmic event, aligning all the planets or the fourth moon is rising in over Jupiter when the sign of Sagittarius is rising or something, because in one of those peculiar quirks of fate random chance has collided with something else that’s been on my mind a bit.

I know it’s a great shock to all of you that I’m not fond of writing sex scenes. I’m not even fond of reading them. And on one of the discussion groups I read there’s been a discussion about that this week.

[Oh, and on a complete aside, my apologies to Russel for wearing you out yesterday. Hope you finally managed some sleep. ;)]

Last night, Kevin picks a show for us to listen to the commentary on while we eat dinner. And it actually isn’t important what show it was, as you’ll see in a moment, but apparently in Season 2 of The Wire they don’t list the commentators on the case. In pops Season 2, episode 6. Which would be one of my favourite episodes, in spite of the fact that it’s the episode D’Angelo dies in. But the courtroom scene is priceless. Anyway…

The commentary isn’t provided by the writers, the director of the episode or the show’s creator. Nope. It’s actors. Dominic West, who plays the self-destructive, whoring, drinking Jimmy McNulty (okay, he was during season 2!) and Michael K. Williams, who plays “homothug” Omar, who robs from drug dealers and is handy with a shotgun. And the actor called Omar a “homothug” on the commentary, because Omar is gay but as Michael said there’s nothing gay about Omar so it’s homothug.

Now, this is like getting the inside scoop on all the gossip on a show. For one thing, McNulty is never on top in any of his sex scenes because Dominic doesn’t want to show off his white butt cheeks. Thanks for sharing, Dominic.

But even better, these two fine, upstanding gentlemen give their assessment on all the breast shots in the show, from seasons 1 and 2. I think Callie Thorne should be a bit disappointed at only ranking #2, but that’s another aside. You see, this is why I listen to commentaries. When was the last time a group of guys ever did an assessment on quality breasts when I was around? When was the first time? And surprisingly, even Kevin was mum on the subject as we were listening to this insightful commentary. He was like Prez going to the titty bar, refusing to look because he was there with women.

But if I’m going to write from the POV of male characters, don’t you think it helps me to understand how guys rank boobs? And yet for some reason I can’t convince Kevin to share his opinions. He really is unhelpful when it comes to insight into the male mind.

Now, the one problem I have is that I’ll have to watch the episode where the #1 boobs are shown and see if I can figure out why they rank higher. Because the guys only provided partial assessment. Just, “Wow” and not much in terms of specifics. Size? Colour? I’m still left wondering exactly why one pair scored ahead of another. How do you rank good knockers, guys?

Now, curiously enough, this connects to a recent interview I did and subsequent remarks made to me by individuals that have convinced me that the next time I’m in Scotland I need to study the backsides of men more. Which raises a whole different set of questions. What makes for a good butt? Amount of cushion, firmness, general shape?

I don’t write much sex, but I’m beginning to see the potential up side in changing that. Think of all the research.

So, who’s going to fess up? What do you find most attractive about a person? And don’t you dare say, “Their mind.”

Bill, I expect you, at least, to answer this!

Oh, and in case you’re wondering about the title of the post, Dominic said in one of the sex scenes he did the director told him, “Climax now” and he had a little tirade about needing some warning, couldn’t just deliver on demand…

Isn’t that just like a man?

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Here's the thing. The male of the species is taught from a very early age that sharing an assessment of other women to his female partner is VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY DANGEROUS! In most circumstances, it's safer to jump naked into a vat of rattlesnakes.

There are multiple issues at work here. For example, there is the "you're a woman-objectifying-sexist-pig" issue. Even if you, as a woman, specifically go out of your way to insist that your man, please oh please, explain the standards by which we objectify women, most of the time we're gonna run screaming into the night before we give in. Because the thing is, you don't really want to know. You just think you do. We understand that once we actually give in and explain it, we're in for trouble.

Even more important than that is the, "oh-so-you-prefer-her-to-me" conundrum. You say, "how would you rate her?" and we eventually give in and say, for example, "a nine." Now, depending on the kind of woman you are, you either say out loud, "And how do you rate me?" -- or you think it. IF you say it, we're doomed, because if we rate you higher you won't believe us and if we rate you lower, well, oh lord save us. Even if secretly you agree with the rating, you don't want your man to say it.

Of course, you thinking the question is just as bad, because you're going to assume the answer anyway, and no matter what you assume, we can't win. Especially since at different points during the day you will assume different answers, and dun us each time based upon the current assumption. As time passes, we won't even know why we're in trouble.

Us men understand implicitly that discussing this topic is fraught with peril, with multitudinous opportunities for loss and absolutely zero opportunities to win.

Just accept that we like bewbies and leave it at that.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and in the spirit of Sandra's last post, I wanted to add:

( o )( o )

*snort*

Sela Carsen said...

For this, I may have to bring out the old avatar!

Sandra Ruttan said...

So Bill. How would you rate me?

LOL. Okay, seriously. I'll say that a guy is hot. I'll say it in front of Kevin. So why is that okay, but it's not okay for him to think someone else is physically attractive?

I realize I'm a bit of an anomaly as far as "women" go, because stuff like this doesn't bug me the way it bugs some people. But for me, so much of it goes back to writerly curiosity. I once asked someone what they thought the appeal of a certain sexual position was and they said it only appealed to deviants. That didn't help me learn anything about the brain of a person that was into that particular activity.

Come on Sela! Get that avatar out!

Now Bill, back to you with a serious question. How would you rank JA Konrath as a kisser?

Anonymous said...

He didn't really engage like I would have hoped.

Sandra Ruttan said...

So there was no tongue involved?

Anonymous said...

Not from him.

Sandra Ruttan said...

So on a scale of 1 to 10...

John McFetridge said...

There was a gag in a sitcom in which the wife said they should each name one person they could sleep with and the other one couldn't say anything about it. She said her's would be George Clooney. The husband thought for a second and then said, "Okay, mine's that woman who works at the Starbucks."

Men can usually find *something* they like in a woman.

But what's this about not writing - or even reading - sex scenes? Sex and money, what else is there to write about?

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't Joe to get all weepy and emotional on me.

Sandra Ruttan said...

John, I only said I'm not fond of writing them. Or reading them. I didn't say I couldn't/didn't. I've definitely skimmed a few.

As to sex and money, what else is there? Love, John. Come on, you asked a woman that? And you expected a different answer? Eish.

Bill, maybe Joe will surprise you next time he sees you.

So is nobody really going to tell me what makes for a good ass? I knew you guys wouldn't talk boobs, but no butts either? Bawk bawk.

SAND STORM said...

"Kevin was mum on the subject as we were listening to this insightful commentary" ...smart man your Kevin!

This post reminded me of the farmer that went into a "Lady's Boutique" to buy some lingerie. The clerk showed him a number of items then sensing his shyness asked "well what size Bra does she wear?" The man thought and rubbed his chin and said I guess 18 1/2!" The clerk looking confused said "18 1/2 are you sure?" "Well he said taking off his cap "one of them fits in here and I wear 9 1/4 so I figured I'd just double it"!

SAND STORM said...

"Okay, seriously. I'll say that a guy is hot. I'll say it in front of Kevin."

See this is one of those trick questions...if we mention someone it comes back to haunt us forever maybe longer!

Plus it's the 45 minute conversation that follows to explain our choice and back it up with data and and and...
Who is hot? Why you are Honey! see much easier:)

Sandra Ruttan said...

Ha ha Sand Storm! Very funny.

But if a relationship is healthy, don't you think people should be secure enough to talk about stuff like this? I mean, damn, if my husband was going to cheat on me I'd hope it would be with someone hot. At least then I could understand it.

SAND STORM said...

"if my husband was going to cheat on me I'd hope it would be with someone hot"


Like Charles did with Camilla over Diana....see not that simple is it.

Truth is most guys can find something attractive about most "Most" women.

OK my day for jokes....how to seduce a woman.

Light candles or incense, play soft music with the lights dimmed. Sip a nice wine or liquor before a warm fire. Lead her to the bedroom festooned with rose petals and after a loving foot massage engage in small conversation leading to an affectionate cuddle followed by an hour of foreplay.Talk about life and relationships after the "event" and snuggle in each others arms.

How to seduce a man...
Show up naked bring beer!
Sleep.

Sandra Ruttan said...

See, that's a big part of the reason I'm not attracted to women. Too much work.

Anonymous said...

"So is nobody really going to tell me what makes for a good ass? I knew you guys wouldn't talk boobs, but no butts either?"

Here's the thing, it's all subjective. What works for one guy isn't necessarily going to work for another. If you're just going off of the physical cues there are lots of studies that can answer that question for you.

Some guys like hard bodies, some like women with some cuves. Some guys like women with large boobs, some with small. Big butts, small butts, or no butt at all. Blonde, brunette or bald. With tattoos and piercings, without tattoos and piercings. Some of us like them all. No one answer will give you the picture you're looking for.

And don't discount the "Her mind" answers, either. Smart chicks are hot. There's no bigger turn off than an idiot. Except maybe a psycho idiot. With a knife and your address.

As to Kevin giving you an answer, I suspect he knows that you wouldn't believe it, which is that you're his ideal. (Kevin, I expect payment to clear by the 5th - FYI)

Sandra Ruttan said...

It isn't even the answers that really interest me. It's what prompts them from different guys. It's all about understanding how men think.

Anonymous said...

I see the problem. You're taking it as axiomatic that men think. That, alas, is open to debate, and speaking as a man, I tend to land on the "don't" side of the argument.

P.S.: This is Bill, and Blogger is being a big butt.

Eileen said...

Please have no loins turning to lava or his firm velvet love stick or throbbing centre of me....

That is all I ask.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Now Bill. Some men do think. A lot of my favourite authors are men, so it must happen more than just occasionally.

Eileen, no worries there! I don't plan on being that descriptive!

Anonymous said...

What if the loins turn to magma, or it's a rigid percale love throttle, or a pulsing centre of you?

And that thinking thing? It's all just a trick. Dudes trying to get laid is all.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

LOL...there is a planetary alignment this weekend of three of them!

Sandra Ruttan said...

"There's no bigger turn off than an idiot. Except maybe a psycho idiot. With a knife and your address."

Oh, you didn't want me to pass that on, Stephen? Sorry...

Bonnie, that explains a lot!

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